Jan. 7th, 2008

inheritance

Jan. 7th, 2008 01:51 am
notesinblue: (blue mind)
a thousand generations
the soil on which we walk
a mountain of mistakes
for us to climb for pleasure

a hundred clocks are ticking
the line becomes a circle
spin the wheel of fortune
or learn to navigate
~covenant


living with my parents again, now that i'm a thirty-something, is very different than when i lived with them as a teenager. on about a million levels. one of them is that i notice their flaws more. we fought a lot when i was younger, and barely ever now, but i can see their neurotic tendencies and shortcomings clear as day now whereas they were invisible before. maybe that's *why* we don't fight - i see why they act the way they do even when it's unreasonable.

i've noticed how immature and stubborn my father can be. and that he drinks more than i ever remembered, which makes me sad. i know he does it because he's tired. i hope he can finally get out of his job this winter because it's killing him. more than anything though i notice my mother's unhealthy attitudes.

she worries. all the time. about everything. and when there is nothing to worry about, she invents something. she's terribly negative, but she cites everyone else as being the negative ones. she's condescending and bossy when she's tired, which seems to be much more often than in the past. she nags and criticizes, but rarely does much herself. and i loath how she speaks to my father sometimes. i know she has no idea how she sounds. if she knew she'd feel awful. it's just awful though. and i'm terrified that's how i might be.

the nervous tendencies didn't manifest in me until a steady stream of abuse had been poured up me over the years, but they did manifest. and now they won't leave. and the rest, well, i don't think i'm like that, but i'm sure she doesn't either. the emperor said i was like that, but he said a lot of awful and untrue things about me. he projected his own ugliness onto me, and he shares many qualities with my mother - perhaps it was him not me. still, i worry i may be an awful bitch to those that care about me (read as: those that let me get away with it, and i know will let me get away with it). i worry. heh. and there it is again.

i used to say that i wouldn't mind turning into my parents too much, because as far as folks go they're pretty awesome. and they are. but they're no longer flawless and in their faults i see some of myself. i wouldn't mind retaining their finer qualities, but i'll be damned if i'll end up so critical and negative without a fight. i don't want to be that way. the past decade has beaten me down, but i refuse to be tainted by it. i refuse to see the glass as half empty rather than half full. or too big.
notesinblue: (optimistic)
ok. here it is. i've been working on a list of things, big and small, that i'd really like to do this year that i have thus so far failed to do in previous years. i've never done anything like this. it's not a list of resolutions per se, more like a list of things that i think would make this year amazing. i need not complete them all, though that would be phenomenal - the more i do the better the year will likely be. i'm not including my divorce or my bachelors, because those are things i've been working on and already planned on completing this year, gods willing. these are other things, things i've stalled on or never quite got around to. these are like mini-dreams, all of which would make me happy. so without further ado, here's the list.

self & home:
cut my hair short
get new glasses
reach my goal weight/health (roughly a size 8 and around 130)
clean and decorate the loft - possibly paint
throw/give away everything I don't need or love

creative:
start and track the travel journal
edit my second and third books
complete a happiness scrapbook
photoblog one entry a week all year
mix more cds (including two supernatural playlists)
archive my journals into hardcopy form

experiences:
read more - especially russian authors
go to the desert for a vacation
road trip - this may, or may not, be the desert trip
go to Denver for a play/opera/symphony
throw more parties. even if they're small.
london?

skills:
learn to dance - possibly to salsa.
learn to shoot like a badass
learn to play the piano

stepping stones:
look into, and eventually apply for, grad school
get my damn passport
submit some short stories/poetry for publication
find an agent/research publishing

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