notesinblue: (pensive)
[personal profile] notesinblue
i've been wanting to sit down and write this, clear my head, all night but i've been too busy. which is part of the problem i'm sure. i'm feeling very grumpy today and some of it is directed toward the hanged man. and as i sat down to write this i realized why. it's taken me all night to put it together: he requires an insane amount of energy. he clings, which has never bothered me before, but now that i'm busy as hell it's problematic. strike that. it's not only problematic, it's irritating. i'm irritated.

but it isn't just the clinging. it's the insecurity. i feel like i have to reassure him all the time, which in turn makes me worry. if i'm spending all my time trying to tell him it's all okay, is it? and then there's the worst part: whenever i'm not super chipper, and uber into him, he gets all worried and needy. i feel like i have to be "on" all the time. add all this together and it's exhausting. and i don't know what to do. when he isn't being neurotic i love being with him. we have a great time. i like talking to him, spending time with him. it's awesome. that is, unless he's being a train wreck, and then it makes me tired. and today i find myself crabby, and full of doubt.

i've been cock sure i was falling in love with him, hell, already knee deep in it...until today. today i don't know. today i feel nothing except somewhat smothered. maybe i need a break and that's it. maybe i'm just tired and overwhelmed with school and it has nothing to do with him on any meaningful level. or maybe i was wrong. that idea makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. i can't tell where any of this is coming from or if it means anything other than i need to examine my issues and get a good night's rest. maybe i just needed to acknowledge that i feel more than a little tired of having to constantly reassure him everything is cool. because it's making things uncool. he's so afraid he'll break it that he's breaking it. and now i'm afraid it's not just breaking, it's broken. all in the span of one day. which makes me suspect i'm just having a mood.

but what if i'm not? what if i've reversed momentum and i'm pulling away just as fast as i rushed in? i'm scared. for the first time i'm really scared. part of it is that i miss my space. i don't think this would be such a big deal (at least this fast) if i were in town. but i'm spending almost every night with him in his little apartment. there is a feeling of obligation. and the worst part is that when we spend time apart the next time i see him he goes on and on about how much he missed me...and i don't feel that way. i don't miss him. especially not right now. i'm glad to be alone and able to type this in my own bed. i miss being tied into LJ and current on my reading and shows. i miss my dogs. i even miss my folks. i don't like being away from home. never have. and maybe that's all it is. i miss my space.

so what do i do about it? i'm spending the next two nights with him. i'm meeting his folks tomorrow for god's sake. i'll come home on saturday, but that's two days away. realizing i need space right before our two days together seems like shitty timing. on the other hand, i'm actually looking forward to the next few days, which is a very encouraging sign. i'm not dreading it at all, although i am nervous about thursday night. and about the sex thing. it's such a constant drama. honestly, that's probably the heart of it all. he feels weird and broken, and in turn i feel like i constantly have to please him to boost his esteem. maybe if that was all working right things would be okay. except i'm sick of working on it. it's stressful.

hmm. i really do think this is primarily a sex thing come to think of it. it's about space, but a big part of it comes from not wanting to be in a situation where sex can spring up. i'm not stressed about friday at all because i know we'll be out all night. i'm stressed about him wanting it, me not but feeling obligated, then us having a failed attempt and him freaking. it's awful. so i want to avoid it, hence, i wanna be here at home.

working through all of that actually has loosened a knot in my gut. i feel a bit better. but still, what do i do about any of it? talk to him for certain. i promised him and myself i'd keep communication open even if it was difficult. but then what? i feel like i've told him a lot of this already, although not tied together, and not about wanting space or feeling numb toward him.

feeling numb... that's the part that really worries me. he kept saying i love you yesterday and i didn't want to say it back because i wasn't feeling it. i felt it before, where did it go? is it gone or am i using a coping skill and shutting down because i sense a disturbance? i'm inclined to think the later but i remain worried. have i been wrong this whole time? have i been lying to myself? have i? part of me says yes and part of me says no. which is which? i wish i knew. i was so sure and now i'm so not. things aren't fun when you're worried, and when things aren't fun i worry. nice cycle i've put myself in. i can't convey how much of how i'm feeling i blame not on him but on the emperor. i used to trust myself. now i only doubt.

i truly hope, hell, i pray, that i wake up tomorrow and this yucky feeling is gone. i want to feel energized the way i did before, not sapped. i just want to be happy. i was. i really was. i can say that with 100% certainty, yet still i doubt it. which says to me that a good chink of this has to do with how messed up i am. still. or maybe it's all just a bad day. maybe. mom said we all are allowed to just have bad days some times, without any reason. maybe that's all it is. again, maybe. maybe. god i hope so.
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January 2013

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