crisis

Jul. 19th, 2008 11:52 pm
notesinblue: (facepalm)
[personal profile] notesinblue
ok self. you've been consumed with anxiety this past week to the point where it feel like your heart has been ripped out. this is not okay. so here's what we are going to try tonight: write until something pulls loose or you feel better. now go.


i'm afraid and it all started with the hanged man. which makes me worry that it has to do with him. did he simply trigger it or is this a warning sign? i feel like it's the former but i'm petrified that it may be the second. what if i'm fooling myself? what if it's all a lie? what if i don't love him? i can't ask myself these questions without breaking into a sweat. which, again, worries me. when i think about it all logically i can see no problem though. i'm scared that i can no longer answer with confidence when i ask myself if i love him. do i love him or do i love what he does for me, what he represents? why wouldn't i love him? he's everything i want and need. ok, setting that aside for a moment, what if i don't? is that what's scaring me? maybe. i stand to lose a lot. or do i? yes, i stand to lose another new shiny future all built perfectly in my head in addition to losing him and being wrong. i really don't want to be wrong. i said he was the one and i can't take that back. can i? i don't know. this isn't making me feel any better though. am i mad at him? do i want to be away from him? my heart aches when i think that, but i don't know what that means. maybe i'm afraid i *should* get away from him and i know i don't want to, like with the emperor. maybe i'm afraid i'm going down the same road, and i'm going to be hurt. i do have the same trapped feeling. but that doesn't seem right either. lets try this, how would life be better without him? well, i'd have more free time. i'd have more time for me. i miss me. i feel like i never get time to be alone and just sit and think. i can't remember the last time i went out alone. but i could do that anyway. i already told him i wanted space and i have it. i don't feel better. i felt just as sick about coming home as i did going down to be with him. when i think about getting up tomorrow and spending all day here i feel ill. i likewise feel ill when i think about going down. either way i feel a rush of anxiety. so where do i want to be. a voice inside my head keeps saying "home". well we've been over this. there's no suck place. and typing that makes me sad, like i want to cry. home is gone. the wetlands, my house, my husband...all gone. i miss him. i don't know why all of a sudden but i do. i miss him so much and i don't know why. it's like he just left. i can feel his absence like a hole where my heart was. the hanged man is not him, for better or worse, and i didn't think i wanted him to be but maybe a part of me does. i miss J. there i said it. i miss him.

and now the tears have come. so many of them and they're coming from a place of grief, not fear. i thought i was done with this but i guess i still was holding on to something. in this moment i just miss him so much. and that may be the hanged man's only fault: he's not the emperor. he's so different, and mostly for the better, but he's not him. and now the anxiety is back. unexpected. i thought the tears were an indication that i had popped out a cork. but it looks like i'm wrong. there is something going on in my head and it has to do with the hanged man. do i want to leave him? do you want to leave him, T? if you could, would you leave him and run back to the emperor? a little voice in my head said yes and another recoiled and screamed no. conflicted. so which is it? who would you pick, the emperor or the hanged man? my instincts pull me toward the emperor. i miss him. my head tells me the hanged man. my heart...i can't tell. i can't tell where my heart is. i know that the emperor is gone forever no matter what choice my heart makes right this instant. but if i don't pick the hanged man i don't know if i should stay with him. he's not a surrogate. i love spending time with him. when i get upset it's because i look deep into his eyes and what, see it's not the emperor? was i pretending he was the emperor? he's better. a voice in my head cries out "no he's not!", but yes, yes he is. i feel like i'm fighting with myself. a battle is raging between my old self and the person i'm trying to become. i want to talk to someone about this without having to reassure them that i love the hanged man, because what if i don't? and that thought makes me feel sick, which again i don't know how to read. every time i ask myself if i love him i feel sick. you'd think that would mean no, but that's not always the case with me. am i rationalizing? do i not love him? god i feel ill. i also feel certain that i did love him before all of this happened, which leads me to believe that i still do.

i want to go home.

i keep almost calling the hanged man by the emperor's name. that feels important. it's been popping up a lot lately. let's go back a moment. let's go back to the grief if we can. ... i miss him. he's gone. and maybe he's not a monster. maybe he was the love of my life and he's gone. but that doesn't feel right. that makes me feel just as ill. i don't want this. any of it. when i picture the hanged man in my head my heart aches. it feels like i've lost him somehow. but i haven't. did i lose the illusion of him? what is it that makes my heart hurt so badly? what's going on with me? i'm going to go sit and think a little - this doesn't seem to be helping.
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