the letter i just sent to the prince of wands sums it up pretty well. i don't have strength to write anymore.
I'm still not sure if I can type the words, but I want to try. I need to talk to someone about this and I really really need someone to understand and believe me. I'm going out on a limb here, and I need you to truly believe what I am going to tell you. I need your support and understanding. I can't stress it enough, how important this is to me. Part of me is afraid to talk to you about this, but you're one of my very dearest friends. So I'm going to trust you, as I would hope you would trust me were our roles reversed.
I should start by telling you that up until the 1st, when everything fell apart, I was doing well. I wasn't exploding with joy, but I was starting to feel sane again. It was amazing. The anxiety (which I never talk about, but has been debilitating) that I had been suffering from for nearly two years, was all but gone. I was sleeping, smiling, and even laughing again. I was starting to feel like myself again. And then everything was blown apart.
He didn't want me to tell you about it, but if I'm going to talk to you about this there is no way around it. Were you here you would have found out anyway, I have no doubt. I don't want to betray his confidence, I really don't. But like I said, I need to talk to someone. So please understand how sensitive all of this is and don't mention it, especially to him. He doesn't want you to worry. Nor do I. I just need your friendship right now. God I'm babbling. I'm sorry. This is just really hard for me to accept, and writing it out makes it real. *takes a deep breath*
Okay, here's the thing... when J came home from Hawaii he was back to his moody, depressive, and mean ways. I'm certain you know what I'm talking about. I'm not sure why he was so bad, but he was more cruel than usual. (more on that later) I've been seeing him on Tuesdays and Thursdays for lunch, and through much effort on my behalf we had been getting along. I had strong hopes that we could be friends, and I worked very very hard to that ends. Harder than I've ever worked before, even when he made it very difficult.
Then I got a phone call from S on Sunday night, the 1st, telling me that he was in Mountaincrest. He had been suicidal and she did what I had been afraid to do in the past, she had him taken in. He was alright (he still is), but they were keeping him for three days. And he was angry about it.
Naturally I was freaked and very upset. The thought of him dying was... It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I visited him every day he was there, and was super supportive and kind. I was the best friend I could be, as he deserved. I dropped everything, including class, to be Wonderwoman. And my anxiety came back, I couldn't sleep or eat. I was so shaken by his attempt, but at the same time I was really glad he was alright and getting some help. I was frightened but hopeful. And then he got out last Thursday.
Here is the part I really really need you to understand and believe, and also to not repeat, especially to Jason. It would be beyond horrible if this got back to him in this form. It's really important that he does not have this conversation with anyone for awhile. He needs to come to his own conclusions, and examine things from inside. Otherwise he will lash out, become stubborn, and be destructive to me and whomever brings it up. And it really isn't about choosing sides, so please don't feel like that's my intent. It's not. I haven't spoken to anyone (aside from my folks) since Thursday, and I have been a wreck. I haven't been to school or even read LJ. I feel as though my heart has been torn out - that's why I'm telling you this.
When I saw him on Thursday he tore me apart. Deliberately and carefully.
He told me that his depression was in large part my fault. That I was to blame for his suicidal wishes. That I needed to think long and hard about how to fix him. That I've never given a damn about him, all I've ever cared about was his money. That I'm a bad friend. That I've never tried. That I only care about my self. That I'm too wrapped up in myself to care about him, or do anything for him. And he went on and on. I was obliterated. I swear, and I would hope that you already know, none of it could have been further from the truth. And here is the thing I need you to believe and understand: he has done this in varying degrees for a long long time.
J is emotionally abusive to me. God...I can't even say it out loud. It's too horrible. I wish I could tell you how hard this is to admit. I'm so embarrassed and deeply hurt. I don't want you to think ill of him, that's not why I'm telling you this. Lord help me, but I don't think ill of him. I still love him and care about him. I would still do anything in the world for him. But in that moment I had to face the cold hard fact that my relationship with him is highly abusive. It's been killing me (I'm not being melodramatic, my doctor has been beyond concerned about my health), and it was that sort of abuse that led to me leaving the house last October. And so, after some counseling, I told him that it would be better for both of us (and I really believe this) if we no longer saw each other, at least for a while.
I miss him so much. So so much. He's been my best friend for nearly as long as you've known me. But I know that as long as I let him use me as an emotional punching bag he will stay sick and I will continue to stay a wreck. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it out of great love. I did it out of hopes that he'll get better, and out of friendship. I care so much about his happiness and well-being. It's the truth, but he'll never believe it. I need you to believe it though.
And I need you to believe that for the past few years, when I've said that everything was alright, and I've defended him, and I've pretended that all was well... it wasn't. I've been covering up how bad things were, because I didn't want to admit it. I've been hiding things from my friends, and myself. I never told anyone. And now that I've finally faced things I need someone to believe me. I'm so afraid that no one will believe me. I can't explain why it's so vital that they do, that you do, I only know that I need to be heard and believed. I have no visible bruises, but the emotional ones are severe. I've been hurting for a long time in silence. And now I need the ones I love to know the truth.
Right now I'm feeling very alone and confused. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, but I know that I can't. Acknowledging how bad things were has blasted me apart. All this time I've been fighting to keep him in my life and to build a friendship with him, but all the while he has continued to hurt me. So long as I leave myself open to him, he will continue to do so. I don't think he can help it. Maybe one day we can be friends again. I hope for that so much. But right now it's out of reach. I'm worried about him. I'm scared that I've left him vulnerable. But I've been assured that this is the best way to help him, and I believe it. And it's also the best way to help me. Although lately I feel beyond help. I know I'm not, but I feel that way.
I don't know if I've worded any of this well. Sleep, food, and well put together thought processes have all eluded me lately. I don't even know if I should send this. I don't want you to worry, or to misunderstand. And like I said, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. And I'm not sure if sending this to you will help me heal or send me deeper. Please tell me that you believe me, that you're still my friend, that I will survive this. We both love J, I'm certain, but I need you see what I see - That he's very sick, and that he's been hurting me. I don't want you to turn away from him, quite the opposite, but my god I need someone to understand how badly he's injured me. It's not a normal case where you hear both sides of the story and meet somewhere in the middle. He's been lying about me, because he believes the lies he says. And I've believed them for too long as well. So please trust me R. Please believe me. Please be my friend right now, because I swear to god, I'm very much in need right now. More than I ever have been. I don't think I've ever needed understanding and a hug as much as I do right now.
Your dear friend, T