notesinblue: (Default)
all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i find myself melancholy today and i'm not certain why. it's a bunch of little things i suppose. i just wish i could let them all go and enjoy my day. it's windy and cold, but the sun is out. i have the day off. i can do whatever i want. and yet... perhaps i need a nap. or to get out of the house. i'm not sure. all i know is that i feel low.

the prince of wands keeps popping into my head as well. it's not what's bothering me, but it doesn't help. the hierophant said that he seems him semi-often, and that the two of them bitch about my divorce. hard to imagine what they might say, since i haven't spoken to the prince since june, and i never discuss the divorce with the hierophant. they must simply rehash whatever trash the emperor is selling. it makes me sick. and hateful. which is so unlike me. i'm not accustomed to carrying so much bile. i just want to scream at the prince. scream and punch and spit at.

i'll be the first to admit that all of this has given me some abandonment issues. my husband abused me, then discarded me. my best friends left me. one, the princess, telling me i should just get over it all and that i was selfish. the other, the prince, telling me that i was never abused and that i was essentially full of crap. my biggest fears come to life. now i keep almost everyone at a distance for fear they may turn on me as well. because the people i loved didn't just leave, they kicked me on the way out. the people i don't keep at arm's length i feel like i cling to too tightly. the prince of swords and my parents. i hold onto them for dear life. i just hope i'm not smothering them. still, here i am, feeling lonely and melancholy, and i dare not reach out for help or comfort. if i didn't get it i'd be worse than i am now. so i carry on by myself. even though i know it's not healthy.

i think i should pack up and head to town. go shopping. sit in a coffee shop. anything other than sit here trapped in my own head. time to take this day by the scruff of the neck and shake it until it gives me what i want. which is to say, i need a little revitalization.
notesinblue: (blue sex)
it seems worth noting that it's been the better part of a week and i'm still anxiety free. i just finished cleaning the loft and i'm laying on the loveseat watching a couple candles burn down. i was going to watch tv, or read a book, but i'm bored with those ideas. i'm not sure what i want to do, but i'm pretty sure i'm too tired to figure it out.

i was trying to remember the last time i danced with someone, and i can't. the last time i even felt skin beneath my fingertips, or hair between my fingers, was the summer before last. the prince of wands. i haven't spoken to him since june. in a way i hate him more than the emperor. the emperor is insane, what's the prince's damn excuse? idiocy i suppose. not really the point though. the point is i'm afraid i've lost my sense of touch. or the ability to be close to another human being on a physical level. i lay in my bed alone every night, and it rarely bothers me anymore. i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if my passion is drying up and wilting. i don't want to see anyone right now. but i wouldn't mind a little closeness. just so i can remember what it's like to feel.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i had a good birthday today. well, technically yesterday. 7-7-07. lucky me - i turned thirty on the luckiest day of the millennium. let's hope that bodes well for my thirties.

pop made me pancakes before leaving for work, and mom was awesome for my mini-party. the prince of swords, princess of disks, and the hermit all came up, and we partook in much lasagna, cake, and card games. we played Munchkin (Fu & Bites) and Unexploded Cow (a new game from the princess). everyone got along great, and we laughed and had much fun. it really was a good day, better than my last several birthdays honestly. my grandfather even called to wish me happy birthday, something he hasn't done since i was a child. the whole day felt like the grande finale for a truly good week. i'm happy. mostly.

the emperor made no contact, and for that i am both glad/relieved, while also being foolishly disappointed. i suppose he really meant his good-bye. i wasn't wounded by it until now. even now the wound isn't deep, but it is there and i acknowledge it. his silence cuts just as his words do. what's worse is that the prince of wands didn't contact me either. not a peep. now that does cut deep, and it makes me angry too. last year all i wanted for my birthday was to kiss him. now i want to punch him. hell hath no fury...

i find myself deciding to cut him from my life. it may seem petty, "oh, cut him out just because he didn't call you on your birthday...grow up", but it's not that simple. the last time i saw him he really wounded me with the things he said. he unloaded a bunch of bs on me then vanished. i was disappointed when he didn't call for weeks, and i was hurt when he didn't call on the fourth. now i'm fed up. all i wanted was the tiniest consideration. the fuckin' heirophant called for shit's sake. and my grandfather, whom i haven't spoken to in the better part of a decade. but the prince can't pick up the phone? screw him. i don't need him. and what's even more distressing is i don't think i even want him anymore either. this time last year i was very much in love with both him and the emperor. now i find my heart broken and empty.

it's funny, the emperor refused to relinquish the PS2 in a settlement. i heard it broke two weeks ago. now, today, i got one from my parents for my birthday. it feels like karma. i got a PS1 when i turned 19, right after i moved out, and in with the emperor. all this year i've been saying i felt like i had gone back to being 18. now i feel 19 all over again. except this time i'll make different choices.

it felt strange hooking up the PS2, and my little tv, and having a complete living space here in my loft. it feels like i've made a home of my own, and there's no one else in it, so to speak. i've moved on, and even though i'm still here on the ridge with my folks, i feel like i'm alone for the first time. i'm single. i'm really single. i share my space and my heart with no one. all of that from hooking up my own damn tv. strange how the mind can work. strange how much this post has wandered, even though i think this is really what i set out to say even though i didn't really know it. strange how life spins.


for the records, my lootz:
grandma - $50
queen of disks & king of cups - PS2, White Knight by Jim Butcher, & $50 gift card to B&N
princess of disks - Buffy season 2 (so i don't have to get it back from the queen of wands since the emperor gave her my copy), Unexploded Cow, & three scratch tickets (i won $1!)
the hermit - a stack of burned music (should be fun to root through)
michael f - a paid Flickr account (weird that someone i hardly know got me something...)
notesinblue: (daydream)
i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been. sure, there have been times when i've felt very alone, but they haven't been as frequent as i had feared. in fact, i've been pretty together and happy. especially considering the contact i've had with the emperor. his last letter accused me of being greedy, backstabbing, manipulative, and all around awful. it ended with "good-bye". it made me feel sick. and then i moved on. at least, as much as i could.

i stayed home for the fourth tonight. the princess of disks came up and we had a great day. we went for a walk, played in the rain, snapped photos, pet the dog, chatted, ate cookies, and watched Buffy. it was healing, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. part of me feels strange knowing that i missed out on festivities down in town, that things proceeded without me, but i didn't want to see him. or his slut. or the prince. or any of them really.

the wounds are rawest on holidays. there are too many memories that bubble to the surface. i find myself unable to escape a decade of memories, each and every fourth of july, halloween, new years, what have you...all of them playing in an endless loop inside my tireless brain. i didn't want to subject myself to it. so i stayed here and had a great day. but now i'm left wondering: what did i miss? was *i* missed? did they talk about me? did they have a good time? what did they do? part of me is slightly bitter that no one called, especially the prince. but i'm relieved at the same time. my emotions confuse me, but i try to acknowledge them all the same.

i'm not sure why i'm writing all of this. i had intended to write about my day. my week. or possibly to rant about the letter the emperor sent, and post my response. the response i've decided not to send. i wrote it, but i didn't send it. he doesn't get any more words from me. not even angry ones. none. not anymore. and that's a tragedy. i loved him more than anyone or anything, and now we'll probably never share a kind word with one another again. it breaks my heart. it was so needless. it *is* so needless. but it's done. he's broken things beyond repair. no amount of apologies can mend it at this point, and he wouldn't offer them anyway.

we'll never share another fourth of july. never again will we smile at one another as fireworks ignite the sky. we'll never rebuild our bonds. this was the first of many fourths without him. and it leaves me feeling blue. but not undone. i'm not obliterated, frightened, or lost. i'm not even angry. i just feel sad. a gentle sadness, like soft rain through trees. this too will pass. but now i take a moment to reflect on this passing. i contemplate the loss before laying it to rest. he said good-bye to me. now it's my turn to say good-bye to him.
notesinblue: (daydream)
he's back.

i got a call from him when i was taking my am. lit. final and i almost peed my pants i was so excited. compared to the last few days i felt like today was a gold star day. i weighed in at 139.5 lbs this morning. i'm sure it's a fluke, but i haven't been under 140 in so long. and then there was the relief of finishing my big paper and exam. and i just felt...great. the message from him saying he was back pushed me over an edge into yee-haw land. the icing on the cake. i was so giddy i was shaking.

i called him back right away but there was no answer. so i waited, hoping he'd call before i went back home. i putzed around and then decided i was being silly. i drove home, checking my phone intermittently. nothing. i kept my phone in my hand most of my drive home, and on my bed next to me once i got here. i was so thrilled. but the hours passed. three hours later he finally called me back. and after talking to him i feel hollow.

i don't know why. nothing important was said. except at one point he mentioned he'd be staying "at J's house for a couple nights". my stomach fell out. even now the words make me pull a face and feel ill. that was definitely what made the sick feeling come up, but i felt hollow even before that. there was a distance, something clinging in the air, and it wasn't a good something. i just, don't know. i was so excited, and now...

i need to write my paper and get some sleep. my last final is in less than ten hours. i'm supposed to call him when i get out. this was supposed to be a happy post. i feel ill.
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
the letter i just sent to the prince of wands sums it up pretty well. i don't have strength to write anymore.


R -

I'm still not sure if I can type the words, but I want to try. I need to talk to someone about this and I really really need someone to understand and believe me. I'm going out on a limb here, and I need you to truly believe what I am going to tell you. I need your support and understanding. I can't stress it enough, how important this is to me. Part of me is afraid to talk to you about this, but you're one of my very dearest friends. So I'm going to trust you, as I would hope you would trust me were our roles reversed.

I should start by telling you that up until the 1st, when everything fell apart, I was doing well. I wasn't exploding with joy, but I was starting to feel sane again. It was amazing. The anxiety (which I never talk about, but has been debilitating) that I had been suffering from for nearly two years, was all but gone. I was sleeping, smiling, and even laughing again. I was starting to feel like myself again. And then everything was blown apart.

He didn't want me to tell you about it, but if I'm going to talk to you about this there is no way around it. Were you here you would have found out anyway, I have no doubt. I don't want to betray his confidence, I really don't. But like I said, I need to talk to someone. So please understand how sensitive all of this is and don't mention it, especially to him. He doesn't want you to worry. Nor do I. I just need your friendship right now. God I'm babbling. I'm sorry. This is just really hard for me to accept, and writing it out makes it real. *takes a deep breath*

Okay, here's the thing... when J came home from Hawaii he was back to his moody, depressive, and mean ways. I'm certain you know what I'm talking about. I'm not sure why he was so bad, but he was more cruel than usual. (more on that later) I've been seeing him on Tuesdays and Thursdays for lunch, and through much effort on my behalf we had been getting along. I had strong hopes that we could be friends, and I worked very very hard to that ends. Harder than I've ever worked before, even when he made it very difficult.

Then I got a phone call from S on Sunday night, the 1st, telling me that he was in Mountaincrest. He had been suicidal and she did what I had been afraid to do in the past, she had him taken in. He was alright (he still is), but they were keeping him for three days. And he was angry about it.

Naturally I was freaked and very upset. The thought of him dying was... It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I visited him every day he was there, and was super supportive and kind. I was the best friend I could be, as he deserved. I dropped everything, including class, to be Wonderwoman. And my anxiety came back, I couldn't sleep or eat. I was so shaken by his attempt, but at the same time I was really glad he was alright and getting some help. I was frightened but hopeful. And then he got out last Thursday.

Here is the part I really really need you to understand and believe, and also to not repeat, especially to Jason. It would be beyond horrible if this got back to him in this form. It's really important that he does not have this conversation with anyone for awhile. He needs to come to his own conclusions, and examine things from inside. Otherwise he will lash out, become stubborn, and be destructive to me and whomever brings it up. And it really isn't about choosing sides, so please don't feel like that's my intent. It's not. I haven't spoken to anyone (aside from my folks) since Thursday, and I have been a wreck. I haven't been to school or even read LJ. I feel as though my heart has been torn out - that's why I'm telling you this.

When I saw him on Thursday he tore me apart. Deliberately and carefully.
He told me that his depression was in large part my fault. That I was to blame for his suicidal wishes. That I needed to think long and hard about how to fix him. That I've never given a damn about him, all I've ever cared about was his money. That I'm a bad friend. That I've never tried. That I only care about my self. That I'm too wrapped up in myself to care about him, or do anything for him. And he went on and on. I was obliterated. I swear, and I would hope that you already know, none of it could have been further from the truth. And here is the thing I need you to believe and understand: he has done this in varying degrees for a long long time.

J is emotionally abusive to me. God...I can't even say it out loud. It's too horrible. I wish I could tell you how hard this is to admit. I'm so embarrassed and deeply hurt. I don't want you to think ill of him, that's not why I'm telling you this. Lord help me, but I don't think ill of him. I still love him and care about him. I would still do anything in the world for him. But in that moment I had to face the cold hard fact that my relationship with him is highly abusive. It's been killing me (I'm not being melodramatic, my doctor has been beyond concerned about my health), and it was that sort of abuse that led to me leaving the house last October. And so, after some counseling, I told him that it would be better for both of us (and I really believe this) if we no longer saw each other, at least for a while.

I miss him so much. So so much. He's been my best friend for nearly as long as you've known me. But I know that as long as I let him use me as an emotional punching bag he will stay sick and I will continue to stay a wreck. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it out of great love. I did it out of hopes that he'll get better, and out of friendship. I care so much about his happiness and well-being. It's the truth, but he'll never believe it. I need you to believe it though.

And I need you to believe that for the past few years, when I've said that everything was alright, and I've defended him, and I've pretended that all was well... it wasn't. I've been covering up how bad things were, because I didn't want to admit it. I've been hiding things from my friends, and myself. I never told anyone. And now that I've finally faced things I need someone to believe me. I'm so afraid that no one will believe me. I can't explain why it's so vital that they do, that you do, I only know that I need to be heard and believed. I have no visible bruises, but the emotional ones are severe. I've been hurting for a long time in silence. And now I need the ones I love to know the truth.

Right now I'm feeling very alone and confused. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, but I know that I can't. Acknowledging how bad things were has blasted me apart. All this time I've been fighting to keep him in my life and to build a friendship with him, but all the while he has continued to hurt me. So long as I leave myself open to him, he will continue to do so. I don't think he can help it. Maybe one day we can be friends again. I hope for that so much. But right now it's out of reach. I'm worried about him. I'm scared that I've left him vulnerable. But I've been assured that this is the best way to help him, and I believe it. And it's also the best way to help me. Although lately I feel beyond help. I know I'm not, but I feel that way.

I don't know if I've worded any of this well. Sleep, food, and well put together thought processes have all eluded me lately. I don't even know if I should send this. I don't want you to worry, or to misunderstand. And like I said, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. And I'm not sure if sending this to you will help me heal or send me deeper. Please tell me that you believe me, that you're still my friend, that I will survive this. We both love J, I'm certain, but I need you see what I see - That he's very sick, and that he's been hurting me. I don't want you to turn away from him, quite the opposite, but my god I need someone to understand how badly he's injured me. It's not a normal case where you hear both sides of the story and meet somewhere in the middle. He's been lying about me, because he believes the lies he says. And I've believed them for too long as well. So please trust me R. Please believe me. Please be my friend right now, because I swear to god, I'm very much in need right now. More than I ever have been. I don't think I've ever needed understanding and a hug as much as I do right now.

Your dear friend, T
notesinblue: (virgin state)
i ran into the hanged man last tuesday. he apologized for dropping out of my life without a word. said he just needed to get the hell away from the princess of cups. i can relate. i took her off my friendlist a couple days ago. she has yet to respond - she's pretending not to notice, although i'm certain she has. with every passing day my curiosity wanes. i no longer miss her anymore. nor do i miss the prince of wands. he posted to say that he may be home in a matter of weeks. i felt nothing aside from a twinge of annoyance. my how far we have come. i haven't even spoken with the emperor in nearly a week. it would seem that my letting go has stuck this time. it's about damn time.

in other news: i love the rain and i love miami vice. the last two days have been full of both. i read today by the woodstove and listened to the rain. can't remember the last time homework was so pleasant. then this evening the queen of disks and i rocked the vice into season 2. tomorrow is dresden files, boardgames, and pork roast. i'm happy as a clam.

over it

Mar. 18th, 2007 02:36 pm
notesinblue: (optimistic)
first of all, here are a couple memes:

You Are 40% Feminine, 60% Masculine

You are in touch with your masculine side.
You are not overly sensitive and not easily moved.
Occasionally, though, something will get through and touch your heart!


You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.


i find it interesting that they both say the same thing in different words.

in other news i'm feeling very 'over' everyone today. the princess of cups, the emperor, and even the prince of wands. i didn't even bother to call the emperor and ask about his trip when he came home two nights ago. i think i'm ready to move on, and away, from all of them. i hope it lasts.

today is the last day of spring break and i still have two papers to write. but bugger me if i'd rather sit on the deck and soak up the last few hours of relaxation until May. i think i've earned it.

homebody

Mar. 9th, 2007 01:01 am
notesinblue: (pensive)
something tells me i'm not getting up in the morning and hitting the highway. after discovering the theft of my vacation, by the princess of cups, i felt lower than low. then, to rub salt in the wound, the emperor told me he wouldn't be around on monday (which i had been planning my own trip around) because he's flying to Hawaii to visit the prince of wands. he told me that and i hated him threefold. i hated that he was ditching out on me on monday. i hated that he was blowing a grand on plane tickets after telling me he's too broke to make good on the money he owes me. and most of all, i hated that he was going to see the one person in this world i would visit if i could.

i've spent my day feeling depressed, anxious, and angry. needless to say it hasn't been fun. now i'm left feeling like i got hit by a bus. i'm tired, drained, and have a blinding headache. i wish i knew what i wanted. i feel so conflicted. i want to be the sort of person who isn't bothered by this sort of thing, that drives off into the desert on a whim and needs no one and nothing. but i'm not. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to step outside of my comfort zone. i'm afraid. and that makes me worry that i am, in fact, a terribly dull person at my core. i can no longer tell if i actually want to go on vacation, or if i just want to be the sort of person that wants to do such things. i feel like i don't know myself at all, and that distresses me.

what i really want is to crawl in a hole and do nothing for a week. which is precisely what i always do. i have so few experiences. i always seem to opt out. i don't want to get to the end of my days and realize my life has been forgettable. i don't want to lead a boring life - i want to lead an exceptional one. yet i think i need to acknowledge i'm not the carefree seat-of-the-pants type. maybe one day i will be. i'm not sure if that day will come or not. but today i'm feeling fragile. and this fragile homebody wants to stay where it's warm and safe. even if it means being dull. and even if it means having to face the fact that i'm not the person i wish i was.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
sometimes it's what isn't said that says the most. scratch that. often it's what isn't said that says the most. i've been reminded of this a lot as of late. today i was reminded while checking my inbox.

Miss you,
R


when you write someone a three page letter, pour your heart out onto the page, and get back only three little words (and not THE three little words i might add), it speaks volumes. at least now i know where i stand. honestly it's kind of a relief.
notesinblue: (falling)
for better or worse, i pushed send this time.

Ne -

I was sitting in Clark watching it snow today and I was struck by a sudden spell of missing you intensely. I found myself thinking of a thousand things I wanted to tell you, show you, share with you, and I was nearly overcome with the sense of your absence. It seemed in that moment that you had been gone for years, decades. I suppose it surprised me in large part because it was so random and unprovoked. That and, strange as it may sound, I've gotten used to your absence.

I realized last week that I've gotten used to the absence of a great many things. My life no longer resembles its former self - the only remnant is Monday night, where I feel somewhat detached. It's not the same without you there. It's not the same in general. I've changed and no one seems to have noticed. I humor them by making the same old jokes and keeping my metamorphosis to myself.

The Emperor and I have been getting along well the past few weeks and I'm glad for it. He is unhappy and he seeks my advice and sympathy - I suppose some things remain ever the same. I would worry about him, but he seems determined to make things difficult for himself. I think it's what he needs to do right now. Not even his "distracting fling" with the Queen of Wands makes him happy (which makes me wonder what the point is). These days I sit quietly as he rests his head on my shoulder and tells me he is doomed to remain unhappy. I do all I can, which is to say I offer a kind word, a hug, and go on my way. It is all I can do. It's all I ever could do, except now I'm aware of my limitations.

Most of my other friendships have settled into near stagnation. Since I moved up here, and winter hit, I haven't seen much of anyone. We still have five feet of snow up here and it has snowed every week for two months. The weathermen are beside themselves, as is my poor father. I passed the stir crazy stage a month ago. I'm resigned now to living and breathing snow, textbooks, and solitude. I figure I'll dig myself out next spring.

The Prince of Swords has returned to school (woo!) and remains chained to S at the hip. I'm glad for him, but I miss him as well. I haven't seen him, just the two of us, since October. I only vaguely recollect what being around him without others is like. I miss the side of him that only comes out when there is no one around to impress.

The Prince of Disks and I, on the other hand, have been closer the past few months than we have been in a long time. I edited his book for him and he's excited about revisions. He seems happier than he has in a long time. I think he's finally coming to peace with himself. I think you'd be happy to see how much he's grown this past year.

The Princess of Cups and I have a bit of a falling out. After a couple months of snippy passive aggressive phone calls we finally had an ill-fated dinner that ended in shouting across the table in a busy restaurant. We've since reconciled but things aren't the same. I doubt they ever will be. And strangely I feel nothing for the loss. To much has been lost over the past year for me to care as deeply as I once did about such things. I'm afraid I've become cold. But Disney movies still make me cry, so all is not lost.

It's very dark out tonight, the snow clouds have blotted out the moon and the lights from town. I've lit my room with candles to take the chill off. (It's -7 degrees.) I'm supposed to be typing my paper for tomorrow's lecture on Byron, but as soon as I opened my laptop I found myself thinking about you again.

I've been meaning to write this letter for weeks. I'm not sure why I didn't. I suppose it's just because I have so much to say. And I don't just mean all of the crap I wrote above this. I mean so much more than that. Even now I can't find the words or inclination to write them. Suffice it to say that I have a lot I wish I could tell you. And there is a lot I wish I could hear. I want to hear you describe the ocean in New Zealand, or the cliffs of Ireland. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear your distinct way of speaking, and seeing the world. I suppose I just miss you, as I said at the beginning.

And I do, miss you. I love you, R. I'm not sure what that means anymore, if anything, but I'd be remiss not to say it. Don't worry. I expect nothing in return. I rarely even hope for anything anymore. But I do still feel something every time I hear certain songs or see familiar sights. I think to myself, "once upon a time me and a boy I loved were there, and I was happy", and I'm thinking of you. Strange that despite our lack of a romantic relationship I feel so connected. I'm not sure why I bring it up, except that it has been clinging in the back of my throat, something unsaid and heavy, for quite some time. I've been careful to tiptoe around the words, and I've grown weary with not saying what's on my mind (much to the chagrin of others). So please, forgive my candor just this once, and take it for what it is: an offer of honesty and affection.

I hope you are well. I hope New Zealand is the paradise it seems. I hope you are happy. I hope you dream wonderful dreams. I hope for a great many things, all of them good, for you. Know that somewhere on the other side of the world someone is watching a snowflake melt on a pane of glass and thinking of you. Know that you are, as always, loved.

Love, Me
notesinblue: (smoke)
can't sleep - clowns will eat me.



initiating brain dump in three, two, one...

i have more than one song stuck in my head at the same time. the score from the Vice movie is fighting with numerous dance hits. right now it's Filthy Gorgeous vs. Strict Machine. i think the Scissor Sisters will win, 'cause hey, they have scissors and Goldfrapp just has disco. maybe i'll squash them both and listen to the blues.

the scene in the Vice movie where they salsa dance is the single-most sexy thing i have ever seen. period. and i've seen some sexy shit.

i want to watch more American Gothic. but there isn't anymore. it was canceled over ten years ago. fuckers. i'm not sure what pisses me off more: that the show got the axe, or that they dismissed my favorite character halfway through. right now i'm leaning toward the later. at least he got locked in a looney bin. most people would consider that a bad thing, but i consider it ten shades of awesome. it was fitting. i know i for one would probably end up in a rubber room if i accidentally killed my family and the devil was my arch-nemesis. i think i'm going to convert good ol' Doc Crower for game. i need a new character and he speaks to me (which says quite a bit, probably none of it good).

i've been angry lately. really angry. which seems like an improvement over depression or anxiety. still, i'm a bit concerned that i'll break someones face when i rejoin society on Tuesday. all it will take is someone saying something about how grand the weather is. or how fantastic the president's new Iraq plan is. or how rich, happy, in love, whatever they are. or anything really. "hi. i just looove American Idol, don't you?" pow! crunch! "sorry about your nose, pal." maybe i should just wear dark glasses and a hat so no one speaks to me. might be for the best. not that it will save me from stupid meet and greet name game BS. fucking liberal arts profs. and i want to join their ranks? bwahaha. i can't decide if that's funny or sad. doesn't that make it a parody? somehow i've become a satire.

i wonder who would play me if my life became a movie. Jake Weber comes to mind, but only because i've got AG on the brain. he's not right. not by a long shot. oddly enough, quite a few actors spring to mind, but not a single actresses. typical.

i really need to cut my hair. it's pissing me off. the question is, how long? or rather, how short? my father said i looked like a giraffe when i wore my hair short. gee. thanks. this is me not caring and taking scissors to my head anyway.

15 credits in one day, ten hours, forty-seven minutes. i'd say more, but i'd rather not give it any more attention today. god knows it will have plenty over the next few months.

it's cold. the pipes in my bathroom are frozen. i miss showering downstairs. at night. in a room with working heat. christ. negative fifteen degrees and five feet of snow. i wasn't kidding when i mentioned an ice age. we'll see how funny everyone thinks it is in ten years. haha. no, you can't borrow my parka. shouldn't have laughed at me when i was talking about global warming trends, ass. that'll learn 'em. see - told you i was angry.

the prince of disk's book is really amateur. untrained, shaky, and executed with the finesse of a sitcom writer trying their hand at greek tragedy. but buried in there, he has something. i mean, he really may have something. which is pretty damn cool for a first attempt. now it's just a matter of whether or not he has the patience and ability to chop and polish until it's more diamond than coal. it's worlds better than the queen of sword's first nano attempt. let's just hope he can take constructive criticism for once. i held up my end of the bargain - now it's his turn. if only i had time to work on my books. meh. i'll make time. eventually. i know what my priorities are, even if i am a procrastinating, self-critical fuck right now. it'll pass. all i need is a good pair of sunglasses and a smoke. not sure why, but i'm dead certain both would help the process more than is rational.

i got approved for my financial aid. 6k of federal casheesh. yay. it made my day. i was grinnin' like a monkey. then i looked at how long i'll be paying off my loans and the shine came right off. to regain a slice of joy i'm buying a goddamn digital camera. i've wanted one for a long long time and there's no time like the present. besides, why borrow money if you aren't going to enjoy it at least a little? debt is supposed to be fun, right? right? err...yeah. so watch as i blow cash on shit i don't need. whoosh. click.

i lost my ring shoveling snow. the next day my finger turned red where the band used to be, as if in angry protest. it's still red. it looks like a burn. i can't explain it, nor can my parents. all i can think is that my skin is expressing my displeasure for me, since i seem to be incapable of mourning another loss right now. somehow i think i would miss the ring less if my eye wasn't drawn to the redness, or if my thumb didn't keep looking for the missing silver. my body keeps reminding my mind. my heart has yet to get the memo.

*sings Choke by Hybrid* i miss dancing. i miss driving. i miss driving fast around the reservoir singing at the top of my lungs. sixty miles an hour, tires straining on the blacktop. praying, praying a deer doesn't come smashing through my windshield, filling my open mouth with glass. yeah. i miss that. the slippery crawl of icebound roads isn't quite exhilarating in the same way. not by a long shot.

the tealights are winking out. one by one. i'm down to one, nestled deep within the belly of a faceless copper bird. that distinct tang of smoke keeps filling the air as they run out of fuel and die of sputtering hunger. fire. heat. smoke. light. i wish i had thrown more logs in the woodstove before coming up here. it's cold. baby, it's cold outside. and so am i.
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
i'm trying to focus on what i have, rather than what i don't. but it's hard. especially when i feel so consumed by loss. i feel like a brat. a spoiled ungrateful child. but i can't help feeling disappointed. when my parents said the snow tires they got me for my car last november were my christmas present i thought they were joking. i mean, the only reason i had to get the damn tires in the first place is because they live in BFE. and they were the ones that insisted i get them. i would have made due. so surely they were kidding, right? wrong.

i bought them car stereos, video games, and board games. i spent more than usual, and far more than i had. and in return i got a puzzle, a cheap throw blanket i suspect they got somewhere for free, and a DVD i was going to buy myself anyway. i didn't get any gift cards like i always do. and i certainly didn't get the digital camera i was hoping for. i can't recall ever having such a barren holiday. it only worsened my feelings of loss, and i'll admit it made me feel a little bitter. i don't regret spending the money on them, but it does make me a little grumpy to know that i spent my camera money on them and got a $5 blanket in return.

and then there is the matter of the prince of wands. i wrote him a month ago and he never wrote back. i wrote him again for the holiday, and still no response. i've been checking my email and LJ at least twice a day - nothing. until just now. he posted in his LJ. he's having a fantastic christmas in australia. and i hate him for it. i hate him for not writing me back, for not caring enough to even return my holiday well wishes. i hate that he is happy while i am not. most of all i hate that he doesn't miss me. i saw the effort and glee he put into his post and decided i wasn't writing him again, not even a comment, unless he writes me back first. childish or wise? probably some of both.

and the emperor didn't call me either. our first holiday apart, and he doesn't appear to miss me either. and it fills me with heartbreak and rage.

then the weather report came on. more snow. i've been up here for weeks, so lonely, and with the plow broken and more snow on the way it looks like it will be a couple more. i wanted to have a good new years, but now it looks like i'll spend it alone. and the thought of that makes me sadder than i can express. i need this new years to be good. i need it like i've needed so many other things i haven't gotten, and this looks to be no exception. and i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling so utterly disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. i'm holding my head, crying, and the words "it's not fair" just floated through my mind. yeah, i know, since when is life fair. it's such a stupid thing to think. but i can't help but feel it anyway.

i'm so full of tears and bile. i'm angry at everyone who is happy, including my loved ones, and that makes me disgusted with myself. i just hate that it's christmas night and i'm sitting alone in a cold room weeping. i hate that i can't stop. i hate that it's these things that i can't stop thinking about when there are so many other happier things. like sledding, and games of dragonology, and a nice steak dinner. like the utter delight my father had when he opened his gift, or the group hug in front of the tree. why are these things overshadowed by what i didn't get? i suppose i needed to feel pampered, missed, loved. and i'm not. i'm on my own, and it's never felt clearer. i'm an adult, all alone in the world. and that's the one thing i've never wanted to be.
notesinblue: (prose)
unsent letters... ever since that strange girl i once knew told me about them, i find myself composing them on occasion. the idea was like a virus. contagious. fortunately i'm not afflicted all that often. so here is a december installment, brought on by a sudden outbreak.


dear prince of wands,
what i didn't write in the letter, but really wanted to, was: do you miss me? are you looking forward to seeing me again? do you think about me from time to time? or should i forget about you as you may have forgotten about me?

dear king of disks,
why are we having lunch tomorrow? yeah, we're friends, but why are we really getting together? i've known you for nine years and we've never gone out to lunch. so tell me - what should i expect? what do you expect?

dear emperor,
i missed you today. it hurt, very deeply, and came out of the blue. but that's not the remarkable part. the remarkable part is that in missing you today i realized that i hadn't yesterday. either i'm finally healing thanks to your charming behavior, or i'm getting really really good at being detached and numb.

dear queen of wands,
i'm not surprised you're fucking him. not really. but honestly, truly, i don't think i could hate you more. emotions this strong are reserved for those you once truly loved. think about. and if the emperor gives you my number, don't call it. and if he invites you over when i'm there, don't show. 'cause, babe, i will choke the life out of you with my bare freaking hands. and you, who has looked into my heart in the past, should know that i'm dead serious.

dear prince of swords,
i'm really glad you called. i was stunned at how glad i was. i've missed you. and rather than being sore because you haven't been around, i find myself happy that you picked up the phone and called me for the first time since i moved away. please visit me before the year is over. please make things somewhat normal again by being my friend the way you used to be.

dear empress,
i'm sorry i haven't called. it's just, you scare me sometimes. you remind me a little of her, and with her shitting where i just slept she's on my mind. that and i know he's poisoned you against me to an extent. i don't blame you. he calls you back and i don't. he's charming and tells all, and i don't. but please, don't believe everything he says. he lies and he's delusional. and please, don't stick a sword through my back like she did. be different. be better.

dear princess of cups,
i miss you. i miss you and i feel left behind. it's not your fault. i'm not angry, except for possibly at myself. i haven't been around and you've had to fill up the hole i left. you've made new friends and kept busy. and i'm not a part of it. i picked up and left you all alone, and now i'm sad because i know you've moved on. i hate that in leaving him i might have broken things. i hate even more that i'm too weak to fix them properly right now. i just hope that you'll still be there, if even a little, when i come crawling home.

dear king of cups,
you really hurt me yesterday. badly. and i know you know it. things were stiff, uncomfortable, today. i'm not angry, just hurt. if you're actually sorry, and you want to make it better, just do what you're so good at - pretend nothing happened. i want to forget about it even more than you do. trust me on this one.

dear jasper,
i think you somehow intuitively know that i need you right now. when i couldn't stop crying yesterday you wouldn't leave my side. thank you for sleeping by my feet, and sitting with me on the deck. thank you for listening and offering nothing but unconditional love in return. well, sometimes it's conditional on food, but everyone has their vices. thank you for being exactly what i need right now even though we never really bonded before. we've bonded now. so thanks. or in terms you might better understand: good boy. good dog.
notesinblue: (blue suit)
i have a crush on an imaginary person. again. this happens to me constantly. and i do mean constantly. i just wish it wouldn't distract me so much when it happens. nothing like zoning out and daydreaming about someone who doesn't exist all day. i suppose it's better than obsessing about someone who does exist, but is too far away to be a part of my life, whether that distance be emotional or physical. or a combination thereof in this case.

damn prince is flirting with the entirety of europe. he doesn't miss me at all. he's not out there growing and discovering himself. he's not getting over his issues. nor is he pining away for me. he's not doing any of the things i really hoped he would do. he's not going to come back all enlightened and carrying roses. why? because he's not on walkabout like he planned - he's on extended vacation. and i really resent him for it right now.

maybe it's just the pms talking, but to hell with real men (and women). maybe it is better to be lost in thought over someone who doesn't exist. a character may not ever acknowledge me, or be a part of my life, but hey, they won't disappoint me either. they can just float along and be a nice safe fantasy. like antarctica. *sigh* sometimes reality sucks.

last words

Sep. 17th, 2006 06:17 pm
notesinblue: (falling)
it wasn't a long conversation, nor was it short. it was good hearing your voice. the way you place your inflections, pose questions, mispronounce, tell stories, and laugh. i miss it already, your voice. it will most likely be well into next year before i hear it again. you're mailing your phone home tomorrow morning, before you hop on your plane and head across the pond. one of the first things you said, after hello & i had good timing, was that you were going to call me this evening. you were glad to hear from me. genuinely glad. and i was glad to hear you smile, even though i couldn't see it.

we caught up as much as we could. so much has already happened in just the short time you've been gone. i can't imagine how much more will happen before we talk again. yet it wasn't awkward, or painful. true, i cried after i hung up. i miss you. but what brought the tears wasn't longing so much as a release of pressure.

the conversation was ending and i could feel myself wanting, more than anything, for you to tell me you loved me. it was a romantic yearning, a fantasy. the kind i often have. it's things like this that have led to years consistent disappointment with the emperor. i honestly didn't think you would say it. so i decided i wouldn't say it either, no matter how much i wanted to. and i made a decision not to let it's absence trouble me. but then your voice became softer, more serious, and i was surprised. i could feel my breath stick in my throat and my heart change rhythms. maybe... just maybe...

Hold down the fort while I'm away.
*light laugh* i'll do what i can.
And take care of yourself.
i will. you too, okay?
I'll do my best. *pause* Hey...
yeah?
I love you.
i love you too.



i'll try not to forget, over-think, or doubt.
godspeed my sweet.
until next spring.
notesinblue: (profile)
i want to be loved. i know i am, by many. i'm lucky to have good friends and parents. but that's not what i mean. that's not what i long for. i long to be someones everything. that special someone that the whole universe revolves around. the center of someones life. sounds pretty spoiled doesn't it? i know. but it's what i want. i want to be the most dear to someone. not second most. not third. *the most*.

i'm not the emperor's beloved, and sometimes i doubt i ever was. i know that can't be true. it was real, once. it was. but not now. now i tell him how very lonely and frightened i am and he changes the subject, having not really heard me. my pain just reminds him of his own and the conversation swings 'round to his own woes. my desperate needs for love annoy him and he's quick to move on from any obligation to dole out affection. most times it leaves me feeling even lonelier. nothing makes you feel more insignificant than a quick hug then being told there isn't time for you - something else more important needs doing.

the prince used to make me feel special. i realize now that the bulk of it was an illusion. i hold out hope, but i fear i shouldn't. i'm just one of the flock. special yes, but mostly in my risk factor, not in how much he cares. why else would he fail to call or write to me, when i know he has called and written to others? if i were the one, wouldn't i be at the top of his list?

maybe i expect too much. at least, that's what the voice in my head says. but do i really? shouldn't i expect to be treated as precious by the ones who claim to love me? shouldn't i expect to be a priority? i want someone who will be there for me without my asking. someone who will scoop me up, hold me tight, and tell me it will be alright - and then make it alright! i want a storybook. i want something i'm starting to believe doesn't exist. i want love. and i'm scared to death i'll never get it. a lot of things scare me these days...

i'm tired of this constant anxiety. i'm terrified. constantly. every time i stop to think i have a panic attack. i just want to be held by strong arms and taken care of. the small weak voice in me keeps sobbing 'i want my mommy', but my mother is one of the last people i want to see right now. yet the sentiment is real enough. that's how i want to feel. all warm and safe, as only a child can feel. totally shielded from the future and all things large, black, and consuming. i want that feeling of safety, love, and complete trust. and i'm genuinely concerned i'll never feel that way again.

i used to feel it with the emperor. i trusted him utterly. i put all my faith and love into him in a way i don't think i'm capable of anymore. i believed in him, in us. i don't think i could ever trust someone like that again. which means i always feel wary and alone. i'm so very broken and i'm not sure i can be mended. i feel as though all my tears and love were for nothing. i gave myself to someone, my special one, and he used me up and left me empty and alone. how can that be possible? it's cruel and unfair. but i suppose life is, no matter how much i wish it wasn't.

so here i am. wishing that someone was doing for me what i did for him for so many years. i want what i gave returned to me. i want that solace. someone holding me together, pouring all they had into me. someone brushing my hair out of my face, and holding me in their lap. someone saying to me, 'shh. it'll be alright, babe. i'm here. i'm right here. and i always will be. i love you. i love you.' i only want that which i once gave so freely. if i could have that, perhaps i could be at peace enough to heal.
notesinblue: (Default)
i find myself missing the prince a lot this evening. maybe it was the music i was listening too, or the tv that was on. maybe it was just my heart. no matter the reason, i checked his journal and found that he had updated. the following picture was posted and it made me miss him terribly. i like the way he sees the world. it never ceases to intrigue and captivate me. i find myself wondering if he misses me at all. if he misses the way i see the world, or how i run my thumb across his knuckles when i hold his hand. selfish as it may be, i hope he does.

i had a very vivid dream last night that he visited me in my sleep. it was realistic enough that it made me wonder if it had been real, if he dreamed it too. maybe we really did see each other last night, our unconscious minds meeting up for a quiet stroll. true or not i find myself thinking of him. i wish i knew for certain how he felt, or what the future might hold. i don't want to wait for someone who isn't coming back, or doesn't want me. but i'm not sure i can help it. i suppose time is the only one who can say for certain, and time always keeps his secrets until the end of the game. for now i will turn out the lights, go to sleep, and hope i catch a glimpse of him again. he's on his way to Niagara Falls today. perhaps i will visit him there, overlooking the raw ferocity of water as it fights itself, gravity, and stone. as it spills forth, crashing outward and flooding into deep pools. as it pours out in an endless wave. it seems fitting - my own emotions resemble a waterfall more and more often these days.
notesinblue: (optimistic)
it's official: today was good, i'm not depressed, and i didn't cry once.

i quit my awful job. i'm 98% certain i got a job at the cab company (dispatcher not driver, but hey). and i'm thrilled to sleep in tomorrow. i'm getting a re-do on this week. next wednesday i'll start my new $8 and hour phone job and it will be much improved over the one i started this wednesday. i don't get a re-do on saying good-bye to the prince, but i don't think i'd want one anyway. unless it involved being naked more. and even then probably not. as for now i'm going to ignore the giggling coming from the emperor's room and focus on the sound of rain outside my window. i refuse to let anything get between me and falling asleep feeling mellow. not even the queen of wands. because dammit, i don't ever have to set foot in that hellhole of a phone base again, and that's something worth smiling about.
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