notesinblue: (Default)
all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.
notesinblue: (virgin state)
staying at the princess of disks' house for the night. she's not here. just me and the fish. and her rat. it's eerie. i don't like being away from home. never have. never will. it makes me uneasy. normally i'd be having a big damn panic attack right about now. away from home and all alone. but i'm not. i'm uneasy, but not triggered the way i would expect. it's...okay if not ideal.

as soon as i'm done typing this i'm going to go try to get comfortable in someone else's bed (something i'm having trouble imagining) and maybe even get some sleep. barring sleep i'll read the book i brought or watch some tv. i'm glad i decided to come here instead of staying at the prince of sword's house. i may be all alone, but at least i don't feel awkward. and i don't have to sleep on a stiff futon that has been peed on by cats numerous times. yeah. so, uneasy, but okay. maybe the emdr really did fix me. cause if this hasn't sent me screaming then i think i might be a-okay.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i had a good birthday today. well, technically yesterday. 7-7-07. lucky me - i turned thirty on the luckiest day of the millennium. let's hope that bodes well for my thirties.

pop made me pancakes before leaving for work, and mom was awesome for my mini-party. the prince of swords, princess of disks, and the hermit all came up, and we partook in much lasagna, cake, and card games. we played Munchkin (Fu & Bites) and Unexploded Cow (a new game from the princess). everyone got along great, and we laughed and had much fun. it really was a good day, better than my last several birthdays honestly. my grandfather even called to wish me happy birthday, something he hasn't done since i was a child. the whole day felt like the grande finale for a truly good week. i'm happy. mostly.

the emperor made no contact, and for that i am both glad/relieved, while also being foolishly disappointed. i suppose he really meant his good-bye. i wasn't wounded by it until now. even now the wound isn't deep, but it is there and i acknowledge it. his silence cuts just as his words do. what's worse is that the prince of wands didn't contact me either. not a peep. now that does cut deep, and it makes me angry too. last year all i wanted for my birthday was to kiss him. now i want to punch him. hell hath no fury...

i find myself deciding to cut him from my life. it may seem petty, "oh, cut him out just because he didn't call you on your birthday...grow up", but it's not that simple. the last time i saw him he really wounded me with the things he said. he unloaded a bunch of bs on me then vanished. i was disappointed when he didn't call for weeks, and i was hurt when he didn't call on the fourth. now i'm fed up. all i wanted was the tiniest consideration. the fuckin' heirophant called for shit's sake. and my grandfather, whom i haven't spoken to in the better part of a decade. but the prince can't pick up the phone? screw him. i don't need him. and what's even more distressing is i don't think i even want him anymore either. this time last year i was very much in love with both him and the emperor. now i find my heart broken and empty.

it's funny, the emperor refused to relinquish the PS2 in a settlement. i heard it broke two weeks ago. now, today, i got one from my parents for my birthday. it feels like karma. i got a PS1 when i turned 19, right after i moved out, and in with the emperor. all this year i've been saying i felt like i had gone back to being 18. now i feel 19 all over again. except this time i'll make different choices.

it felt strange hooking up the PS2, and my little tv, and having a complete living space here in my loft. it feels like i've made a home of my own, and there's no one else in it, so to speak. i've moved on, and even though i'm still here on the ridge with my folks, i feel like i'm alone for the first time. i'm single. i'm really single. i share my space and my heart with no one. all of that from hooking up my own damn tv. strange how the mind can work. strange how much this post has wandered, even though i think this is really what i set out to say even though i didn't really know it. strange how life spins.


for the records, my lootz:
grandma - $50
queen of disks & king of cups - PS2, White Knight by Jim Butcher, & $50 gift card to B&N
princess of disks - Buffy season 2 (so i don't have to get it back from the queen of wands since the emperor gave her my copy), Unexploded Cow, & three scratch tickets (i won $1!)
the hermit - a stack of burned music (should be fun to root through)
michael f - a paid Flickr account (weird that someone i hardly know got me something...)
notesinblue: (daydream)
i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been. sure, there have been times when i've felt very alone, but they haven't been as frequent as i had feared. in fact, i've been pretty together and happy. especially considering the contact i've had with the emperor. his last letter accused me of being greedy, backstabbing, manipulative, and all around awful. it ended with "good-bye". it made me feel sick. and then i moved on. at least, as much as i could.

i stayed home for the fourth tonight. the princess of disks came up and we had a great day. we went for a walk, played in the rain, snapped photos, pet the dog, chatted, ate cookies, and watched Buffy. it was healing, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. part of me feels strange knowing that i missed out on festivities down in town, that things proceeded without me, but i didn't want to see him. or his slut. or the prince. or any of them really.

the wounds are rawest on holidays. there are too many memories that bubble to the surface. i find myself unable to escape a decade of memories, each and every fourth of july, halloween, new years, what have you...all of them playing in an endless loop inside my tireless brain. i didn't want to subject myself to it. so i stayed here and had a great day. but now i'm left wondering: what did i miss? was *i* missed? did they talk about me? did they have a good time? what did they do? part of me is slightly bitter that no one called, especially the prince. but i'm relieved at the same time. my emotions confuse me, but i try to acknowledge them all the same.

i'm not sure why i'm writing all of this. i had intended to write about my day. my week. or possibly to rant about the letter the emperor sent, and post my response. the response i've decided not to send. i wrote it, but i didn't send it. he doesn't get any more words from me. not even angry ones. none. not anymore. and that's a tragedy. i loved him more than anyone or anything, and now we'll probably never share a kind word with one another again. it breaks my heart. it was so needless. it *is* so needless. but it's done. he's broken things beyond repair. no amount of apologies can mend it at this point, and he wouldn't offer them anyway.

we'll never share another fourth of july. never again will we smile at one another as fireworks ignite the sky. we'll never rebuild our bonds. this was the first of many fourths without him. and it leaves me feeling blue. but not undone. i'm not obliterated, frightened, or lost. i'm not even angry. i just feel sad. a gentle sadness, like soft rain through trees. this too will pass. but now i take a moment to reflect on this passing. i contemplate the loss before laying it to rest. he said good-bye to me. now it's my turn to say good-bye to him.

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notesinblue

January 2013

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