relapse

Dec. 24th, 2007 02:57 am
notesinblue: (destiny)
sitting on the loveseat watching my candles flicker and burn. full moon tonight, and it's officially christmas eve. i've felt very off since friday. i hate that the emperor always pulls his shit during holidays or exams. i had recaptured a tiny bit of my holiday spirit, and had been anxiety free, and then...wham, right in the gut. the fact that the queen of wands called doesn't help. yeah, it's kind of funny in a sick way. but on the other hand now i'm nervous around my phone again. i had finally gotten over that, and again, wham. i feel like this whole thing made me backslide. *sigh* and all i really want is to have a nice holiday.

i'm tired. i'm tired of dealing with this crap, day in and day out. i just want it to be done. i don't want to think about him, or any of it, ever again. i want to be allowed to move on with my life. it seems like every time i pull free i get pulled in again. i'm trying not to let it bother me, to not think about it, but unfortunately i sort of have to think about it. i don't have the luxury to sit back and do nothing until the trial because he keeps fucking shit up, and assuring that every cent i have goes to my lawyer. i'm tired of that too. i'm just so damn tired of all of it. I'm even tired of writing about it.

today is christmas eve. i think i'm going to turn off my phone and just close out the world. just hide away on the mountain for the holiday and try to forget that any of this exists. i want to be free from my anxiety again. i want to have a merry christmas. i want to be whole and happy. i want to be myself again.
notesinblue: (falling)
for better or worse, i pushed send this time.

Ne -

I was sitting in Clark watching it snow today and I was struck by a sudden spell of missing you intensely. I found myself thinking of a thousand things I wanted to tell you, show you, share with you, and I was nearly overcome with the sense of your absence. It seemed in that moment that you had been gone for years, decades. I suppose it surprised me in large part because it was so random and unprovoked. That and, strange as it may sound, I've gotten used to your absence.

I realized last week that I've gotten used to the absence of a great many things. My life no longer resembles its former self - the only remnant is Monday night, where I feel somewhat detached. It's not the same without you there. It's not the same in general. I've changed and no one seems to have noticed. I humor them by making the same old jokes and keeping my metamorphosis to myself.

The Emperor and I have been getting along well the past few weeks and I'm glad for it. He is unhappy and he seeks my advice and sympathy - I suppose some things remain ever the same. I would worry about him, but he seems determined to make things difficult for himself. I think it's what he needs to do right now. Not even his "distracting fling" with the Queen of Wands makes him happy (which makes me wonder what the point is). These days I sit quietly as he rests his head on my shoulder and tells me he is doomed to remain unhappy. I do all I can, which is to say I offer a kind word, a hug, and go on my way. It is all I can do. It's all I ever could do, except now I'm aware of my limitations.

Most of my other friendships have settled into near stagnation. Since I moved up here, and winter hit, I haven't seen much of anyone. We still have five feet of snow up here and it has snowed every week for two months. The weathermen are beside themselves, as is my poor father. I passed the stir crazy stage a month ago. I'm resigned now to living and breathing snow, textbooks, and solitude. I figure I'll dig myself out next spring.

The Prince of Swords has returned to school (woo!) and remains chained to S at the hip. I'm glad for him, but I miss him as well. I haven't seen him, just the two of us, since October. I only vaguely recollect what being around him without others is like. I miss the side of him that only comes out when there is no one around to impress.

The Prince of Disks and I, on the other hand, have been closer the past few months than we have been in a long time. I edited his book for him and he's excited about revisions. He seems happier than he has in a long time. I think he's finally coming to peace with himself. I think you'd be happy to see how much he's grown this past year.

The Princess of Cups and I have a bit of a falling out. After a couple months of snippy passive aggressive phone calls we finally had an ill-fated dinner that ended in shouting across the table in a busy restaurant. We've since reconciled but things aren't the same. I doubt they ever will be. And strangely I feel nothing for the loss. To much has been lost over the past year for me to care as deeply as I once did about such things. I'm afraid I've become cold. But Disney movies still make me cry, so all is not lost.

It's very dark out tonight, the snow clouds have blotted out the moon and the lights from town. I've lit my room with candles to take the chill off. (It's -7 degrees.) I'm supposed to be typing my paper for tomorrow's lecture on Byron, but as soon as I opened my laptop I found myself thinking about you again.

I've been meaning to write this letter for weeks. I'm not sure why I didn't. I suppose it's just because I have so much to say. And I don't just mean all of the crap I wrote above this. I mean so much more than that. Even now I can't find the words or inclination to write them. Suffice it to say that I have a lot I wish I could tell you. And there is a lot I wish I could hear. I want to hear you describe the ocean in New Zealand, or the cliffs of Ireland. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear your distinct way of speaking, and seeing the world. I suppose I just miss you, as I said at the beginning.

And I do, miss you. I love you, R. I'm not sure what that means anymore, if anything, but I'd be remiss not to say it. Don't worry. I expect nothing in return. I rarely even hope for anything anymore. But I do still feel something every time I hear certain songs or see familiar sights. I think to myself, "once upon a time me and a boy I loved were there, and I was happy", and I'm thinking of you. Strange that despite our lack of a romantic relationship I feel so connected. I'm not sure why I bring it up, except that it has been clinging in the back of my throat, something unsaid and heavy, for quite some time. I've been careful to tiptoe around the words, and I've grown weary with not saying what's on my mind (much to the chagrin of others). So please, forgive my candor just this once, and take it for what it is: an offer of honesty and affection.

I hope you are well. I hope New Zealand is the paradise it seems. I hope you are happy. I hope you dream wonderful dreams. I hope for a great many things, all of them good, for you. Know that somewhere on the other side of the world someone is watching a snowflake melt on a pane of glass and thinking of you. Know that you are, as always, loved.

Love, Me
notesinblue: (prose)
unsent letters... ever since that strange girl i once knew told me about them, i find myself composing them on occasion. the idea was like a virus. contagious. fortunately i'm not afflicted all that often. so here is a december installment, brought on by a sudden outbreak.


dear prince of wands,
what i didn't write in the letter, but really wanted to, was: do you miss me? are you looking forward to seeing me again? do you think about me from time to time? or should i forget about you as you may have forgotten about me?

dear king of disks,
why are we having lunch tomorrow? yeah, we're friends, but why are we really getting together? i've known you for nine years and we've never gone out to lunch. so tell me - what should i expect? what do you expect?

dear emperor,
i missed you today. it hurt, very deeply, and came out of the blue. but that's not the remarkable part. the remarkable part is that in missing you today i realized that i hadn't yesterday. either i'm finally healing thanks to your charming behavior, or i'm getting really really good at being detached and numb.

dear queen of wands,
i'm not surprised you're fucking him. not really. but honestly, truly, i don't think i could hate you more. emotions this strong are reserved for those you once truly loved. think about. and if the emperor gives you my number, don't call it. and if he invites you over when i'm there, don't show. 'cause, babe, i will choke the life out of you with my bare freaking hands. and you, who has looked into my heart in the past, should know that i'm dead serious.

dear prince of swords,
i'm really glad you called. i was stunned at how glad i was. i've missed you. and rather than being sore because you haven't been around, i find myself happy that you picked up the phone and called me for the first time since i moved away. please visit me before the year is over. please make things somewhat normal again by being my friend the way you used to be.

dear empress,
i'm sorry i haven't called. it's just, you scare me sometimes. you remind me a little of her, and with her shitting where i just slept she's on my mind. that and i know he's poisoned you against me to an extent. i don't blame you. he calls you back and i don't. he's charming and tells all, and i don't. but please, don't believe everything he says. he lies and he's delusional. and please, don't stick a sword through my back like she did. be different. be better.

dear princess of cups,
i miss you. i miss you and i feel left behind. it's not your fault. i'm not angry, except for possibly at myself. i haven't been around and you've had to fill up the hole i left. you've made new friends and kept busy. and i'm not a part of it. i picked up and left you all alone, and now i'm sad because i know you've moved on. i hate that in leaving him i might have broken things. i hate even more that i'm too weak to fix them properly right now. i just hope that you'll still be there, if even a little, when i come crawling home.

dear king of cups,
you really hurt me yesterday. badly. and i know you know it. things were stiff, uncomfortable, today. i'm not angry, just hurt. if you're actually sorry, and you want to make it better, just do what you're so good at - pretend nothing happened. i want to forget about it even more than you do. trust me on this one.

dear jasper,
i think you somehow intuitively know that i need you right now. when i couldn't stop crying yesterday you wouldn't leave my side. thank you for sleeping by my feet, and sitting with me on the deck. thank you for listening and offering nothing but unconditional love in return. well, sometimes it's conditional on food, but everyone has their vices. thank you for being exactly what i need right now even though we never really bonded before. we've bonded now. so thanks. or in terms you might better understand: good boy. good dog.
notesinblue: (profile)
i haven't written in here in a long time, for good reason. i'd rather try and ignore how unhappy i am, not wallow in it by writing (and rereading) about it here. but i have to write something now. this cannot pass without comment.

i just finished my second novel...and i'm miserable. i remember finishing Icarus. it was the best feeling ever. i had never been so happy. the feeling was honestly indescribable. so why is it that i'm utterly miserable finishing this one? if i stop and think about it, there are a thousand reasons.

- i don't like it.
okay, well, that can be fixed with editing. you can make it work with some revising. even though it seems unbelievably ugly now you can still work it. relax.

- now i have to write my play and go back to work.
well, that's life kiddo so you better get used to it. i know it makes you unhappy and anxious, but there's not much to be done about it. best start learning to deal with it. or better yet, hammer out the play in the next few days so it's behind you and apply for a loan. you'll feel so much better.

- i can't stop thinking about all the shitty things the emperor has done.
ah. see, this one's the toughie. every time i start to heal, something happens to twist the knife. each time i start to get my feet under me he pulls out the rug, without fail. it's gotten to the point where i can predict badness just by my mood: oh, i feel okay, bet something shitty will happen within the next hour, and bam! i'm right. for example, here's the past eight days:

i start to feel alright, then i go to game and he doesn't even bother to get the door and say hello to me. he's insensitive to the point where i can barely drive home i'm so upset. i start to recover a few days later, the day before Thanksgiving, and he calls that night to tell me he's sleeping with the queen of wands, and he's sad because K is upset with him. i have a meltdown. it's the crappiest thing he could have ever done to me. i'm blown to bits. i begin to feel slightly human again, then go to game and get in a two hour discussion with him about how much of an asshole he is. i leave feeling empty, which is better than the sucking pit i felt a few days earlier, and decide i might be healing.

then the next day, today, i wake up sad again after processing all the ugliness in my sleep. i cry all the way down the mountain, but manage to cheer myself up throughout the afternoon. by the time i get home i'm genuinely happy. i got to enjoy that for about an hour. i'm halfway through my first celebratory cookie when he calls to tell me he totaled the car and can he please borrow mine. i hang up feeling like my heart is missing again. i realize it's not because he totaled my old car, which has enormous sentimental value to me, but because he was calling yet again because he needed something for me. he disguises it under other pretenses, but that's the real reason.

'K is upset with me and maybe screwing the village ho was a bad idea, boo-hoo. oh, but i didn't call for a shoulder to cry on, i called 'cause i thought you should know. not that i think it's any of your business.' or 'i need a car to drive cause i'm a shitty driver and totaled the one you gave me. i mean, gosh, i was in an accident, but i'm okay. thought you should know.' it's crap.

i was angry at him last thursday, and i managed to hold onto that all through monday. but today the anger fizzled out when i thought he might be hurt in a bad accident. he's not, and now i'm left feeling sad and used again. every time he does something like this it makes me want to call him. i get sucked back in. it's like heroin. i resist, but i jones for at least a couple days. it's just an indication of how sick our relationship was that it's the bad things that make me want to pay attention to him.

i really hate him at the moment. i hate that he does this to me. i hate that in a way i let him. i hate that i still miss him and care about him. i hate that he's fucking the one person in the world i can't handle him fucking. i hate that he seems to be happy. i hate that i give a shit. i hate feeling like this.

i'm sure i'll feel better in a few days, but i'm so tired of being sad. i thought finishing my book would lift me up, give me the confidence and joy i needed, but it didn't. if anything it did the opposite. i feel like this book is horrible. i feel like i've lost my touch, and worse, my passion. i feel so god damn empty inside. if writing a novel won't help fill and heal the hole, what the hell will? i know only time will heal this hurt, but i'm tired of waiting. i've been hurting for so long. when does it get easier? when will i wake up and be over all this grief? they say grief has five stages. i've been through them all multiple times and i'm not done yet. how many times do i have to spin around this wheel before i start feeling alive again? how much more do i have to take? how much more before i can say i'm over him and happy with me?
notesinblue: (optimistic)
it's official: today was good, i'm not depressed, and i didn't cry once.

i quit my awful job. i'm 98% certain i got a job at the cab company (dispatcher not driver, but hey). and i'm thrilled to sleep in tomorrow. i'm getting a re-do on this week. next wednesday i'll start my new $8 and hour phone job and it will be much improved over the one i started this wednesday. i don't get a re-do on saying good-bye to the prince, but i don't think i'd want one anyway. unless it involved being naked more. and even then probably not. as for now i'm going to ignore the giggling coming from the emperor's room and focus on the sound of rain outside my window. i refuse to let anything get between me and falling asleep feeling mellow. not even the queen of wands. because dammit, i don't ever have to set foot in that hellhole of a phone base again, and that's something worth smiling about.
notesinblue: (wtf)
i was going to write about the kissing. about how warm he was next to me. how soft the fabric of his shirt was under my fingertips. the taste of his neck beneath my lips. how he felt, pressed tight against his slacks. the feel of his mouth on mine, his tongue teasing my own. how much i wanted. how little he gave. it was a kiss i've waited for, wanted, for so long it's like i dreamed it. so close, yet so far away. and how twisted up i am with longing. i was going to write all about the kiss.

but coming home and finding her high heels by the front door. her car parked in the drive. the house dark, and your door closed. i'm hit between the eyes. her? i never saw it coming. you never liked her. not ever. she vanished off the map after i refused to fuck her. and now you do? you? her?

this house has become consumed with lust and madness.

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January 2013

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