notesinblue: (walk alone)
i find myself melancholy today and i'm not certain why. it's a bunch of little things i suppose. i just wish i could let them all go and enjoy my day. it's windy and cold, but the sun is out. i have the day off. i can do whatever i want. and yet... perhaps i need a nap. or to get out of the house. i'm not sure. all i know is that i feel low.

the prince of wands keeps popping into my head as well. it's not what's bothering me, but it doesn't help. the hierophant said that he seems him semi-often, and that the two of them bitch about my divorce. hard to imagine what they might say, since i haven't spoken to the prince since june, and i never discuss the divorce with the hierophant. they must simply rehash whatever trash the emperor is selling. it makes me sick. and hateful. which is so unlike me. i'm not accustomed to carrying so much bile. i just want to scream at the prince. scream and punch and spit at.

i'll be the first to admit that all of this has given me some abandonment issues. my husband abused me, then discarded me. my best friends left me. one, the princess, telling me i should just get over it all and that i was selfish. the other, the prince, telling me that i was never abused and that i was essentially full of crap. my biggest fears come to life. now i keep almost everyone at a distance for fear they may turn on me as well. because the people i loved didn't just leave, they kicked me on the way out. the people i don't keep at arm's length i feel like i cling to too tightly. the prince of swords and my parents. i hold onto them for dear life. i just hope i'm not smothering them. still, here i am, feeling lonely and melancholy, and i dare not reach out for help or comfort. if i didn't get it i'd be worse than i am now. so i carry on by myself. even though i know it's not healthy.

i think i should pack up and head to town. go shopping. sit in a coffee shop. anything other than sit here trapped in my own head. time to take this day by the scruff of the neck and shake it until it gives me what i want. which is to say, i need a little revitalization.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i had a good birthday today. well, technically yesterday. 7-7-07. lucky me - i turned thirty on the luckiest day of the millennium. let's hope that bodes well for my thirties.

pop made me pancakes before leaving for work, and mom was awesome for my mini-party. the prince of swords, princess of disks, and the hermit all came up, and we partook in much lasagna, cake, and card games. we played Munchkin (Fu & Bites) and Unexploded Cow (a new game from the princess). everyone got along great, and we laughed and had much fun. it really was a good day, better than my last several birthdays honestly. my grandfather even called to wish me happy birthday, something he hasn't done since i was a child. the whole day felt like the grande finale for a truly good week. i'm happy. mostly.

the emperor made no contact, and for that i am both glad/relieved, while also being foolishly disappointed. i suppose he really meant his good-bye. i wasn't wounded by it until now. even now the wound isn't deep, but it is there and i acknowledge it. his silence cuts just as his words do. what's worse is that the prince of wands didn't contact me either. not a peep. now that does cut deep, and it makes me angry too. last year all i wanted for my birthday was to kiss him. now i want to punch him. hell hath no fury...

i find myself deciding to cut him from my life. it may seem petty, "oh, cut him out just because he didn't call you on your birthday...grow up", but it's not that simple. the last time i saw him he really wounded me with the things he said. he unloaded a bunch of bs on me then vanished. i was disappointed when he didn't call for weeks, and i was hurt when he didn't call on the fourth. now i'm fed up. all i wanted was the tiniest consideration. the fuckin' heirophant called for shit's sake. and my grandfather, whom i haven't spoken to in the better part of a decade. but the prince can't pick up the phone? screw him. i don't need him. and what's even more distressing is i don't think i even want him anymore either. this time last year i was very much in love with both him and the emperor. now i find my heart broken and empty.

it's funny, the emperor refused to relinquish the PS2 in a settlement. i heard it broke two weeks ago. now, today, i got one from my parents for my birthday. it feels like karma. i got a PS1 when i turned 19, right after i moved out, and in with the emperor. all this year i've been saying i felt like i had gone back to being 18. now i feel 19 all over again. except this time i'll make different choices.

it felt strange hooking up the PS2, and my little tv, and having a complete living space here in my loft. it feels like i've made a home of my own, and there's no one else in it, so to speak. i've moved on, and even though i'm still here on the ridge with my folks, i feel like i'm alone for the first time. i'm single. i'm really single. i share my space and my heart with no one. all of that from hooking up my own damn tv. strange how the mind can work. strange how much this post has wandered, even though i think this is really what i set out to say even though i didn't really know it. strange how life spins.


for the records, my lootz:
grandma - $50
queen of disks & king of cups - PS2, White Knight by Jim Butcher, & $50 gift card to B&N
princess of disks - Buffy season 2 (so i don't have to get it back from the queen of wands since the emperor gave her my copy), Unexploded Cow, & three scratch tickets (i won $1!)
the hermit - a stack of burned music (should be fun to root through)
michael f - a paid Flickr account (weird that someone i hardly know got me something...)

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notesinblue

January 2013

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