notesinblue: (Default)
all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.
notesinblue: (virgin state)
i feel stuck.

i want to move forward, but it's like i'm shackled in place. i know what i want, i even know what i need to do in order to get it (to a degree), but i'm immobilized by fear. i talked to Tanya about this and she suggested i journal with myself, have a dialogue. i think we both know that what is holding me back is inside me. no, it is me. so here we go. c'mon self. it's just you and me. why the hell won't you let me move forward?

because i'm afraid.

of what?

something horrible happening.

okay. be more specific.

i could end up off worse. i could lose everything again. i could end up alone and hurt. i don't want to hurt anymore. i've suffered so much already. i can't bear to start over again. it would kill me.

okay. first of all, no, it won't kill you. in fact, i'm getting better at this, loss, all the time. i'm getting stronger. and i'm much stronger now than i was when i lost the emperor. and yes, something bad could happen. but something bad could happen anyway. sitting and doing nothing will not protect you from disaster, in fact, it's inviting it.

but i'm comfortable. i feel safe. i don't have to go outside my comfort area. i'm not stuck in a job i hate, in a life i hate. i'm safe.

no, you're not. you're depending on others. you will never be safe. and the safest you will ever be is if you depend on yourself. and yes, you are outside of your comfort zone. you're miserable where you are.

but it could be worse. i know what to expect here. and i'm comfortable.

you are not comfortable. you have a routine to which you have gotten used to and you don't want to lose it. you don't want to lose the freedoms that come with where you are. but there are freedoms you will get in exchange for the ones you give up.

i don't want to give up anything.

but that's moot. you already are. you're penniless. you can't afford to do the things you want to do, see the people you want to see, and be where you want to be. your inertia and financial distress has trapped you just as much as any job could. and it is getting worse.

but i hate working. i just want to play and live.

again, you are jobless and you aren't doing that anyway. you're just sitting around decaying. and okay, you've had some jobs you've hated. and no, work isn't always wine and roses. but you have had jobs you've liked. and having money would be nice. and so would moving out.

but i'm scared.

of what?

being trapped in a bad job. not being able to make it on my own. being all alone.

okay. one by one here. bad job? quit. not making it on own? bullshit. you've done that and more before. and being alone? well, why is that so awful? and who says you will be?

i'm never alone here.

i know. and it sucks. be objective: when you had the house to yourself it was nice wasn't it? being able to do what you want when you want to do it. that was really nice.

but i can't do that if i'm working anyway. so why bother?

first of all, says who? there are always days off. yes, it will be hard. but you can do it. and you bother for all the reasons above. you are dying like this. you are killing yourself. you are not sitting in the woods healing and writing epic poetry, so don't say you are. you are sitting up here hiding.

no, i'm not.

yes, you are. and you fucking know it.

...

stop hiding. now is the time to take risks. stop avoiding me and stop avoiding what needs to be done. i've let you get away with it for way too long. playing sick won'y work anymore. yes, i have PTSD. but you know what, i'm getting better. i can't hide forever. and you know what? who says i have to leap in and get a full time desk job? no one besides you. deliver pizzas. stock groceries. whatever. just go out and do it.

but there's nothing i want to do.

you didn't want to carry copy or deliver pizzas, and you ended up loving both.

and look where that ended up.

yes. look. because you are only seeing the negative. i have so much now that i wouldn't have had otherwise. take a god damn chance. and if you don't like it, quit. the emperor is not lurking out there to reprimand you like last time. you will not starve and die. unless, of course, you continue to do nothing.

but i don't know how.

ask for help.

i'm scared.

there you go again. that's an excuse.

what if i can't find anything?

well, you certainly won't if you don't look.

it's hard.

most things are. but you've done harder. you've even done this. you can do it again.

what if i can't?

you can.

but what if i can't?

then we will find another solution. but again, doing nothing doesn't get you closer.

i'm still scared.

i know. it's okay. we can get there together. no one is asking you to leap without looking. just stick a toe in the water. just give me a chance. because i don't want to be here anymore, and you don't really either. give me another chance. please. i know i screwed up in the past, but i need to try again. please let me.

... ok.

i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry i've let you down in the past. this time we'll work together. this time we will listen to one another. we can do it. both of us. but i need you to help me. will you please give me another chance?

yes. i love you. just please don't leave me alone anymore.

i won't. i'm sorry.

i know.

i love you too. thank you.

i'll try. i can't promise anything.

i know. i can't either. but at least we will do our best.

just promise me you'll stop ignoring me.

i'll do my very best.

ok. ... you need a hug.

i know.

call someone.

okay.

dream life

Apr. 5th, 2009 01:00 pm
notesinblue: (glee)
i just had the most wonderful dream. i’ve woken up smiling. i’d go back to sleep and catch some more comfy bed, snuggly, nap time, but i wanted to write it down.

i dreamed the hanged man and i were both graduating. it was from the university in the spring, but it felt like high school. everything was warm and breezy, and it was filled with flowers. we sat on bleachers and there were maybe only fifty of us all total. a woman called him up first, and there was thunderous applause. i was so proud of him, and he was well recognized and lauded. i went second, and again, applause. and i did it right this time, because i felt right. i grinned from ear to ear and felt like i had accomplished something. (later that night i spied a black and white close up of me in a frame - i'm laughing in my mortarboard and holding my diploma up to my face, radiant with glee.) then we both walked off the stage together and met my folks who gave us huge hugs and congratulated us. it felt wonderful and momentous. we walked out into the sunshine hand in hand smiling and happy.

then the dream changed. again, this was all the present but it felt like high school. it was summer, but not long after the ceremony, maybe a month, and i was attending the university swim meet with the hanged man and my parents (though my mother never appears in this dream). the meet was a big deal, and a lot of people’s graduation or success depended on it. the princess of cups was there, and her eyes were swollen and red, infected by pool water from not wearing goggles like everyone else. she never saw me. she looked miserable and defeated. i found out, from my father, that over the course of the weeklong tournament she had fallen from third place to seventeenth. she was a failure. she was never going to amount to anything, and she knew it. i witnessed her defeat, shook my head, and felt a little sorry for her. then i left her behind without much thought, got some shaved ice, and enjoyed the rest of the summer festival with the hanged man.

then it changed again. i was picking out tulips from bins and the hanged man was no longer at my side, but my father was. i wanted the perfect lavender tulip to keep forever and cherish, to remember the past day by. there were yellow tulips and purple ones, and they were all amazing. i knew exactly which one i wanted, but i had to find it - i knew it was there because i had sen it earlier without getting it. it was just the right shade and shape. my father pulled one in particular from the box and asked me if it was the one i wanted, in a “please say no” sort of tone. it was tiny. the color was an amazing rich purple, but it had yet to open and it was itty bitty. it was a seedling. even though the color appealed to me i shook my head. maybe i could press it in a book or something, it was a nice shade, but it wasn’t what i wanted. he smiled and i kept looking. i found the one i was looking for and was happy. then my father showed me something else. it was a Tiffany lamp on a swing arm. it reminded me of the tulip. it was lavender, pink, and orange. i didn’t like the orange, it wasn’t quite right, but it was a gift and the more i looked at it the more i liked it. he offered to clamp it to my wing back chair in my room, and just like that we were there, as happens in dreams. it was my old room back at Larkbunting, but it was a bit different and i don’t think it was attached to their house. the wing back chair was in my closet as a reading place, and my father hooked the lamp up and i fell in love with it. i knew it would be so cozy there, reading at night. i felt peaceful and happy. this was my life and i felt content.

i woke up smiling and haven't stopped. it's clear to me what my subconscious was talking about, and i truly believe today that i can build the life i want. i will heal my wounds, get over my obstacles, and put my old life behind me. i will love the hanged man without pause, stop dwelling on those that tried to destroy me, and the negative feelings that go with them, and i will find a nice job and home. i will be whole, healthy, and happy. i believe it. just as i believe in the sunshine melting all the snow beyond the windows. warm days are ahead.

words

Jan. 5th, 2009 03:14 am
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
Words words words. Where have you gone? It seems that every time I write something I like it cripples me for months afterwards. I look at the piece in question and feel awed and retarded. How could I ever create something that interesting again? It is as though I have convinced myself that I have a very finite reserve of brilliance and it has been depleted. In fact, it seems every time I finish something I’ve just used the very last word in my reserve tank. And yet I always find more. I have a faulty fuel gauge. I cruise around thinking I’m on empty, afraid to go anywhere for fear of ending up stranded on a deserted roadside. Except I’m driving a god damned oil tanker. I could write every day for the next one hundred years and never run dry. So then why the fear?

I need to remember something very important. It seems no matter how many times I remember it, a brilliant epiphany over and over again, I still manage to forget it anew. When I feel anxious it is usually because I feel powerless and out of control. Panic attack? Do something to regain a sense of power. Anxious? Do something. Say no, say yes. Assert yourself. Write. Take control of your day and stop floating along in the current. Seriously. I mean this. Stop. Right now. And do what you really want to do most. Stop being so concerned with every one else and whether you might fall flat on your ass or screw up. Just fucking do it. Regain a sense of strength and the tightness will fade. You can do it, but first you have to get up off of your ass and decide to actually do it. So go. Now. Because sitting on your ass skimming over these words months later while in a funk will get you nowhere. Only you have the power to do that, and trust me: that power is more vast than you ever give yourself credit.
notesinblue: (profile)
internet’s down and i feel somewhat isolated and crippled as a result. there were so many things I planned to do tonight, but most of them involved the web. write a holiday greeting in my public journal, update my photo blog with pictures from graduation, finish my year end lists, maybe search for the last couple holiday hatchlings on Facebook. stuff like that. instead I’ve spent the past hour futzing around my room cleaning things up somewhat.

i’m so rarely here anymore. i rarely spend the night in my own bed and it feels strange. it also means odds and ends pile up when all I ever do is stop by and get fresh clothes. i sort of miss my space, but i’m lonely. if i could teleport my guy here it would be perfect. wouldn’t it?

i’ve been forgetting to take time for myself and it has been wearing at me. i need to remember to be my own friend sometimes. i’ve been neglecting my relationship with myself. that may be contributing to my melancholy. and then there is the loss of Jasper. i miss him so much. it feels wrong that he isn’t here by my side. it heightens my loneliness. and graduation, the pressure of starting out on a new adventure, weighs on me heavily.

perhaps i am as melancholy as the hanged man says. i don’t want to be. not at all. and it makes me sad that he sees me that way (proof he’s right). i need to change it, both for myself and for our relationship. he worries about me and thinks i’m unhappy. that’s no way to live. i should know. so i need to meditate on what i need to do for myself.

right now i’m just hoping i get my period for Christmas. it’s late (stress does that) and it’s making me nervous (which probably isn’t helping). we’ve been careful, no accidents to speak of, but it scares me and makes me think. what if? i don’t want to be a mother, at least not right now. i’m just starting to remember how to be myself and how to be someone’s love. i have big important steps ahead of me in the coming months: finding work, moving out again. i can’t have anything complicating it right now. so dear holiday spirits, please bring me my period and a happy mood. i’m tired of feeling anxious when i should be happy. i have so many things to smile about.

loot

Jul. 9th, 2008 10:37 pm
notesinblue: (glee)
happy birthday to me!

for future reference i shall record the presents i was graced with:

grandma: $50
papa: $50
folks: $50 gift card to Target, shorts (don't fit, to be returned), Neverending Story on DVD (duplicate to be returned), $400 to help with tuition
the hanged man: book of Keats love poems, Dr.Tran T-shirt, replacement for my lost Queen of the Damned soundtrack, movie tickets
the princess of disks: $30 Best Buy gift card
the heirophant: a giant cookie (with a frosting crocodile on it)

it's sort of amazing to me to be involved with someone who actually went out of his way to make my birthday special instead of making me miserable all day. what a change. thing haven't just gotten better for me, they're better than ever.

gone

Jun. 30th, 2008 02:07 am
notesinblue: (pensive)
why is it that you can miss someone you haven't seen in years after they die? are you missing them, or the pure essence of them? is it the knowledge that all those coffee dates you promised one another will remain forever unrealized? or is it something deeper? could it be the realization that you never intended to keep any of those dates, and even if you had that you would not have said what was really important: even though you aren't part of my life, nor me yours, you are dear to me.

except i said that, albeit several months, possibly years ago. in my case it's the loss of what she represented that i mourn most. i've taken heart from her strength. so many times i felt overwhelmed, like giving up, and i thought of her tenacity and i found the will to carry on. but she lost her fight. and part of me feels like all my faith, and all her courage, strength, and positive thinking, didn't change a damn thing. she's dead and the world is a darker place for it. and while i try to honor her spirit by staying positive i feel dark inside. i don't want to live in a world where all of that means nothing and the most cheerful woman i've ever known dies of cancer while her true love is left holding her lifeless hand.

untouched

Feb. 14th, 2008 10:48 pm
notesinblue: (blue sex)
i miss kissing. dancing close to someone. the feel of skin beneath my fingertips. i don't really miss being in a relationship. or sex. just the little thrill of electricity that comes with initiation. the flutter of excitement. those heated moments when one person reaches out and another person reaches back.

which is both why i've been flirting with the hanged man, and why i need to stop. i'd fucking break him. all i want is some spark. which is so uncool to pursue, even slightly, with a friend. and a fragile virgin friend at that. he's never been kissed. who the hell am i to wiggle my eyebrows at him when all i want is a bit of fun? i'm pissing myself off. it's just, there is no one, and i mean no one, else to flirt with.

i don't want a boyfriend, or even a fling. i just want to feel human again, if even for a moment. no one has touched me in nearly two years. sometimes i close my eyes and try to remember what it's like. and i can't. babies become retarded without human touch. i'm not becoming retarded intellectually, but i am emotionally. the longer it continues the more i feel like i'm becoming a machine, or undead.

i bought a pair of high heeled fuck-me boots. i cut my hair short and daring, and dyed it black. i feel like i'm fishing, even though i don't want to catch anything. i truly don't. i'm content with being single. my life is complex and full enough without being in a relationship. yet there is that yearning for contact. i want someone to run a hand through my new short hair. i want to be touched.

miracle

Feb. 3rd, 2008 12:54 am
notesinblue: (happy)
swamped with homework.
still waiting for a ruling.
somewhat sick.
flat broke.
alone.

happy anyway.
notesinblue: (daydream)
Today I...

...plucked a single snow-white hair from the top of my head where it was reaching toward the sky like an antennae, then let it fall to the floor where it was lost in dog hair, bits of bark, and coffee cake crumbs.

...shouldered a brand new winter coat, the first in a decade, stylishly assembled to resemble a coat my father once had in the early seventies. new twice.

...walked quickly, far too quickly, everywhere I went while listening to the rise and fall of piano, guitar, synthesizer, voice, all of them tuned to the key of discontent.

...read the damn poem about blackbirds again and vowed to write my own poem with thirteen verses on a single subject. thirteen ways of looking at...what precisely? as soon as I figure that out it will be brilliant. revolutionary. mind blowing.

...ate a granola bar for the first time in my adult life, pondering each chewy bit of childhood mountain adventure stuck in my teeth.

...raised my eyebrows at the unsolicited smile of one I once called friend and now call nothing at all, all the while marveling not at the situation but rather at the softness of the hat I was fumbling to tug over my cold tinted ears.

...parked illegally under a sign that said 30 Minutes in bold authoritative type when I knew full well I'd be an hour, and didn't look back when I walked away.

...baked cinnamon rolls, watched them rise, smeared frosting over the tops where it melted, then devoured one. two. later perhaps three.

...enjoyed the feel of a new pair of socks surrounding my feet, and wriggled my toes, making red and black argyle waves lift and crash upon the floor silently. cotton on cotton.

...found the piece of polished quartz I thought I had lost, nestled in the shelter of my coffee table's silver leg in the thicket of cream colored carpet.

...took a few pictures of my dog as he slept upside down, dreaming in the position of a deceased cockroach.

...decided to rename my most recent poem ellipses. this is not said poem, nor is there a single ellipses contained within its lines.

...by happenstance, wrote thirteen lines in my journal all saying different things but expressing the same sentiment: Today was Thursday the 24th of January. Just another day. Just another unique, repetitive, ordinarily extraordinary day. My name is ever changing, and I am a poet.

dragging

Jan. 20th, 2008 02:16 am
notesinblue: (dream)
i seem to have recaught my cold, and i've spent all day feeling ill and watching tv as a result. i hate that. tomorrow is my last day of vacation, and while i had hoped to make it count, it looks like i'll spend it wrapped in a blanket watching it snow and trying to get healthy. not what i had hoped for, but it could be worse.

i'm nervous about the new semester, but i always am. it doesn't matter how many times i do this - i'm always just as jittery as i was the first time. it doesn't help that i still don't know what i'm taking. my next to last semester and i don't know what i'm going to register for. *shakes head* it's that fourth class i just can't seem to figure out. nothing i want fits, and everything that fits sounds either soul-crushingly dull or like boat loads of work. i wouldn't mind the work if i weren't already tackling two really tough classes already. i'll check again tomorrow to see if anything middle of the road has opened up, or jumps out at me. regardless, it's time to decide.

i felt like i had something to say, but all that comes to mind is, "i don't feel well and i'm nervous about school." i've been trying not to think about the divorce, but it lingers. i don't feel any closer to the end than i did before court and i'm not sure if that's because i'm really not, or because it hasn't sunk in yet. a little of both i'm guessing. in the meantime i'm trying to push it out of my thoughts. which works alright until i turn out the lights, hence, here i am. perhaps Nyquil holds the solution to more than one of my problems. nothing quite like the sweet sweet sleep of cold meds.


note: i rediscovered the Supernatural "scary just got sexy" promo, and i can't get it out of my head. i hadn't seen it since last summer so when i stumbled across some screen caps i had to hunt it down and rewatch it. sexy indeed. i'm inspired to make icons again.
notesinblue: (optimistic)
ok. here it is. i've been working on a list of things, big and small, that i'd really like to do this year that i have thus so far failed to do in previous years. i've never done anything like this. it's not a list of resolutions per se, more like a list of things that i think would make this year amazing. i need not complete them all, though that would be phenomenal - the more i do the better the year will likely be. i'm not including my divorce or my bachelors, because those are things i've been working on and already planned on completing this year, gods willing. these are other things, things i've stalled on or never quite got around to. these are like mini-dreams, all of which would make me happy. so without further ado, here's the list.

self & home:
cut my hair short
get new glasses
reach my goal weight/health (roughly a size 8 and around 130)
clean and decorate the loft - possibly paint
throw/give away everything I don't need or love

creative:
start and track the travel journal
edit my second and third books
complete a happiness scrapbook
photoblog one entry a week all year
mix more cds (including two supernatural playlists)
archive my journals into hardcopy form

experiences:
read more - especially russian authors
go to the desert for a vacation
road trip - this may, or may not, be the desert trip
go to Denver for a play/opera/symphony
throw more parties. even if they're small.
london?

skills:
learn to dance - possibly to salsa.
learn to shoot like a badass
learn to play the piano

stepping stones:
look into, and eventually apply for, grad school
get my damn passport
submit some short stories/poetry for publication
find an agent/research publishing
notesinblue: (daydream)
i'm watching Lost in another tiny window. my interest has somewhat waned, but i don't think it's the fault of the show. i feel somewhat discontent. i think it's because my vacation is nearly over and i haven't done a damn thing. i still have plenty i'd like to do, but time is short. worse, court is creeping closer and i have such a sick feeling in my stomach everytime i think about it, it's unreal. i want to be done, but i no longer believe this will be the end. there will be more. sometimes i'm afraid it will never be done, that i will be trapped in this cycle of hell forever. of course i know it's not true. one day it will be over. i just wish i knew that day was going to be soon.

lord am i tired of writing that over and over again. the same shit, just a different day. if only there was something i could do about it. i suppose i could try to focus on something else, like all those things i want to do that i mentioned. maybe i could write a list. hmm. okay. let's try it. who knows, maybe it will invigorate me. i could use some inspiration right about now.

finish watching Lost
take down X-mas decorations
cook up a story for monday
start the travel journal
edit
finish reading fortune
happiness scrapbook
photoblog (ongoing)
register
clean and decorate the loft
play a game (Shadow Hearts, ongoing)
mix two/three supernatural playlists
burn disks for friends
get things ready for next semester
call dentist
notesinblue: (daydream)
it's time for my annual "year according to lj" post. to play take the first line (or two) from the first entry of each month and repost it. let's see what 2007 looked like...

jan: "driving through snow, so thick i could only see five feet in front of me, i had a familiar conversation with myself with unfamiliar results."
feb: "for better or worse, i pushed send this time."
march: "i deleted all the entries out of my old journal and converted it into a photography and writing journal."
april: "right now i'm not very happy. i don't know why. i was fine, and then all of a sudden i was overcome with a case of the blues."
may: "i've been plagued with anxiety all day. i need to be working on my take home finals, but i'm paralyzed by my emotions."
june: "At World's End broke my heart."
july: "i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been."
aug: "last night i had a long vivid dream that i was some sort of undead ghoul."
sept: "this past year i can't shake the feeling that my life, my situation, is a work in progress."
oct: "every time i have an encounter with the emperor it throws me off balance, and this time i'm having trouble picking myself back up."
nov: "i'm having trouble getting my word count in. i've spent all day "writing" and only have 2.2k to show for it."
dec: "i'm so fucking tired of his bullshit and i'm tired of this divorce."

lord i hope next year is cheerier, or, at the very least, free from the emperor's influence. he's the most toxic person i've ever encountered. and i had the misfortune of marrying him. i remember being so afraid of growing old alone, or of being alone in general. not anymore. not the way i used to be. i used to think even the wrong person was better than no one. i sure as shit don't think that now. when i think about living out the rest of my life single i feel a certain calm acceptance. so what if i'm single? so what if i never have a family? it's better than being in the abusive hell cycle i was in before. thinking of it that way, being alone seems like a blessing, not a curse.
notesinblue: (smokin')
i think i'm...bored. can't remember the last time that happened. i have plenty of things to do, but none of them are really blowing my skirt up at the moment. i'm snowed in, and while i have books, tv, puzzles, and videogames galore, i also have cabin fever. blarg. i could edit, write, scrapbook, or any other number of creative endeavors, but i'm not feeling a real spark. i was rewatching Lost, but i'm just a few episodes from season three and, like i said, i'm snowed in. maybe i should finish it off anyway. never know, i might be more inspired tomorrow night. what an odd situation. it's been a long time since i was disenchanted with loafing. how unlike me. maybe this is a good time to do some cleaning. ... nah.
notesinblue: (glee)
it's a true holiday miracle: i had a merry christmas. Now i'm basking in the post-holiday glow, feeling happy. what a contrast to the past several years. yet more proof that life without the emperor is not only okay, it's better.

and now, a list of my loot. recorded for posterity.

chrysta - card, cookies, & a mix cd
sage - card
andrea - woven hand warmers
princess of disks - cookies
grandma - chocolates, & $50 Target card
folks - seasons 1-5 of X-Files, $30 Barnes & Noble card, chocolate, "I Am America & So Can You" - Colbert, Sega games for the PS2, Covenant - Skyshaper, VNV Nation - Judgement, T-Shirt (Careful or you'll end up in my novel.), gloves, socks, draft-dodgers for my leaky antique windows, & pineapple candles.

quite the haul! i have a feeling the princess got me a gift too, but i won't see her until thursday. i actually have a tin of cookies for her, the only person outside my family i'm actually exchanging gifts with. watching the folks open their gifts was the best part though. i did good. and now that the holiday has passed i can safely go pick up a few things i've been wanting, like Lost season 3 and a new hard-drive. i'm just so damn happy to have spent the holiday without bullshit, drama, or hurt. i used to mourn the loss of the emperor as a part of my family, but now i realize he never was family. family is so much more. the people i have left are my real family, and they're amazing.
notesinblue: (blue sex)
it seems worth noting that it's been the better part of a week and i'm still anxiety free. i just finished cleaning the loft and i'm laying on the loveseat watching a couple candles burn down. i was going to watch tv, or read a book, but i'm bored with those ideas. i'm not sure what i want to do, but i'm pretty sure i'm too tired to figure it out.

i was trying to remember the last time i danced with someone, and i can't. the last time i even felt skin beneath my fingertips, or hair between my fingers, was the summer before last. the prince of wands. i haven't spoken to him since june. in a way i hate him more than the emperor. the emperor is insane, what's the prince's damn excuse? idiocy i suppose. not really the point though. the point is i'm afraid i've lost my sense of touch. or the ability to be close to another human being on a physical level. i lay in my bed alone every night, and it rarely bothers me anymore. i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if my passion is drying up and wilting. i don't want to see anyone right now. but i wouldn't mind a little closeness. just so i can remember what it's like to feel.
notesinblue: (virgin state)
staying at the princess of disks' house for the night. she's not here. just me and the fish. and her rat. it's eerie. i don't like being away from home. never have. never will. it makes me uneasy. normally i'd be having a big damn panic attack right about now. away from home and all alone. but i'm not. i'm uneasy, but not triggered the way i would expect. it's...okay if not ideal.

as soon as i'm done typing this i'm going to go try to get comfortable in someone else's bed (something i'm having trouble imagining) and maybe even get some sleep. barring sleep i'll read the book i brought or watch some tv. i'm glad i decided to come here instead of staying at the prince of sword's house. i may be all alone, but at least i don't feel awkward. and i don't have to sleep on a stiff futon that has been peed on by cats numerous times. yeah. so, uneasy, but okay. maybe the emdr really did fix me. cause if this hasn't sent me screaming then i think i might be a-okay.

free

Dec. 16th, 2007 12:15 am
notesinblue: (optimistic)
i don't want to jinx myself, but i think my EMDR worked. i haven't had an anxiety attack since my appointment on friday. i've felt relaxed, like myself. i hope it sticks, because it's amazing to live without the fear chained around my heart.
notesinblue: (reading)
i'm nervous about tomorrow. i'm afraid i won't remember anything for my theory exam, or that the bulk of western lit will be on the one book i didn't get finished. i'm worried as hell about snow. or not making it to the tests. or not being able to make it home afterward. and i'm worried the emperor might crop up, or something else equally distressing and distracting will happen. i'm just...stressed. and at the same time a little excited. i'll have a month off to relax and unwind after this. yet, i'm already worrying about next semester and i haven't even finished this one yet. oy vey. i really need to get my anxiety under control.

i didn't used to be like this. i hate that i worry all the time, and that i get these waves of uncontrollable panic and dread. it's obviously physiological, a trained response. i'm like a lab rat that's been shocked so many times it freaks out if anything even remotely reminds it of that buzzer. i'm looking forward to trying out the EMDR on friday and i have high hopes it will help. i just want to be myself again. not this abused wreck that he left behind. i was always such an optimistic and mellow soul. i want that back. i need it back. but in the meantime, exams.

one way or the other the semester ends tomorrow, and that's at least a relief. and tomorrow night there's a new episode of Supernatural. so there's that to look forward to. i'll be taking my lit final while it airs, but that's what the DVR is for. friday i can chill out and watch it in my pjs if i want. and take a bath. and bake brownies. and read something someone didn't assign me. and watch PotC3. and snuggle my dogs. or all of the above, or some combo thereof. or something else entirely. whatever i want. but i'm sure Dean and Sam will work into it somehow, 'cause what a good way to kick off break. yee-ha.
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