Jan. 3rd, 2008

still stuck

Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:55 pm
notesinblue: (profile)
i've had a sick feeling in my gut since yesterday afternoon. i started out the year so optimistic, but now i feel quite the opposite. i think the emperor must be concentrating on me pretty hard - i feel as though the evil eye is fixed upon me. divorce fears actually woke me up this morning, pulled me right out of sleep. i feel as though i personally am on trial, instead of this being a divorce. i'm tired of my character being attacked, hell, of me being attacked.

the emperor has submitted his evidence list and it's all designed to tear out my throat. it most likely won't do much to help his case, but it will be awful. i'm starting to fear that this will never be done. that even if final orders are handed down on the 17th that i'll be dealing with him for months and months afterwards. he didn't honor the temporary orders, why would final ones be different? if i'm awarded money he won't pay it. if i'm awarded property he won't release it. the house is going into foreclosure and the attorney's fees keep piling up. he is hell bent on bankrupting me and i see no defense against it. i'm worried i may have to leave the university with only one semester left to go. i just feel so trapped. i feel the way i did when i was still with him - a slave to his malice and control.

i'm just so damn tired of all of this. i've never been one to regret. i believe that i am who i am only because of how i got here. i've learned so much, and grown. but still, if i could go back in time and avoid all of this, i would. i want free of him so badly. i want him out of my life. i just want to build a new life, a good one. i feel so optimistic when i think about a future that he isn't a part of. how much longer must i wait? how much more must i endure? when do i get to live my own life instead of his?


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January 2013


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