the soil on which we walk
a mountain of mistakes
for us to climb for pleasure
a hundred clocks are ticking
the line becomes a circle
spin the wheel of fortune
or learn to navigate
living with my parents again, now that i'm a thirty-something, is very different than when i lived with them as a teenager. on about a million levels. one of them is that i notice their flaws more. we fought a lot when i was younger, and barely ever now, but i can see their neurotic tendencies and shortcomings clear as day now whereas they were invisible before. maybe that's *why* we don't fight - i see why they act the way they do even when it's unreasonable.
i've noticed how immature and stubborn my father can be. and that he drinks more than i ever remembered, which makes me sad. i know he does it because he's tired. i hope he can finally get out of his job this winter because it's killing him. more than anything though i notice my mother's unhealthy attitudes.
she worries. all the time. about everything. and when there is nothing to worry about, she invents something. she's terribly negative, but she cites everyone else as being the negative ones. she's condescending and bossy when she's tired, which seems to be much more often than in the past. she nags and criticizes, but rarely does much herself. and i loath how she speaks to my father sometimes. i know she has no idea how she sounds. if she knew she'd feel awful. it's just awful though. and i'm terrified that's how i might be.
the nervous tendencies didn't manifest in me until a steady stream of abuse had been poured up me over the years, but they did manifest. and now they won't leave. and the rest, well, i don't think i'm like that, but i'm sure she doesn't either. the emperor said i was like that, but he said a lot of awful and untrue things about me. he projected his own ugliness onto me, and he shares many qualities with my mother - perhaps it was him not me. still, i worry i may be an awful bitch to those that care about me (read as: those that let me get away with it, and i know will let me get away with it). i worry. heh. and there it is again.
i used to say that i wouldn't mind turning into my parents too much, because as far as folks go they're pretty awesome. and they are. but they're no longer flawless and in their faults i see some of myself. i wouldn't mind retaining their finer qualities, but i'll be damned if i'll end up so critical and negative without a fight. i don't want to be that way. the past decade has beaten me down, but i refuse to be tainted by it. i refuse to see the glass as half empty rather than half full. or too big.