Apr. 20th, 2008

fever

Apr. 20th, 2008 09:17 pm
notesinblue: (falling)
so sick. i haven't felt this ill in a long long time. it's that quality of sickness where you feel like you're dying, or at the very least wish someone would drag you outside and euthanize you. it's awful and no amount of Nyquil seems to be working. i got it from nursemaiding the hanged man through it thursday and friday. boy howdy am i paying for my love now. that said, i'm not sure i would have done anything differently.

i've never felt the way i feel about him with anyone before. it's like we're two puzzle pieces clicking together. we just fit and everything feels so right. i know it's been a week shy of two months, but the way i feel with him is so different and amazing. i was with the emperor for over a decade, married him, and never felt this right with him. i loved him but i never felt like he was my soul mate. i just thought that was something cheesy people wrote in greeting cards. but i really feel that way about the hanged man. i feel like he's the one.

intellectually that freaks me out. i mean shit. it's only been a matter of weeks, and i just got out of a long abusive marriage that still makes me cry from time to time. my brain is telling me that this is silly. but my heart, my core, is saying the opposite. it's saying there is no such thing as timetables or hard and fast rules when it comes to love. and for once i'm certain that it's my heart saying those things, not vice versa. there is no doubt, except regarding my strange lack of it.

i'm not saying i'm running off to Vegas. nothing like that. but i am saying that i feel very very lucky. even as i lay here struggling to breathe and keep my eyes focused. i may be painfully ill, tragically even, and buried in schoolwork i can't keep my blurry eyes open long enough to finish, but i'm still lucky. because i have someone in my life that completes me rather than devours me. i've never been better.

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notesinblue

January 2013

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