May. 22nd, 2008

funk

May. 22nd, 2008 01:54 am
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
the hanged man shaved off his beard and he looks twelve. i know it's petty, but it bothers me. it makes me feel old. six years didn't seem like that big of a difference when he looked more my age, but now he looks even younger than he actually is. it will grow back. i know it's a little thing, but it threw me off and now i'm trying to recover my attraction.

i'm in a funk today. i've had a bad feeling in my gut since yesterday morning. the hanged man had a little needy fit, and it freaked me out. i tried not to let it, but it did. mood swings scare me. the emperor made good and sure of that. and mood plummets out of the blue, especially ones related to sex, are a huge button for me. i keep telling myself it's nothing, that everything is good, but i'm not buying it on some level. i'm freaking myself out. things have been wonderful. he's wonderful. so why this reaction like i'm back with the emperor again?

i know i'm oversensitive, and making a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me is scared it's a red flag. i feel sick inside. i'm scared and upset. i haven't called him, and usually by now we would have been on the phone for at least an hour. i keep going from wanting to talk to him to wishing he wouldn't call. it's confusing. bottom line: i'm upset and i need to talk to him. i just don't know what to say.

i'm not sure what precisely is bothering me. i feel like i need a good cry. just a week ago i was wishing we were engaged, and now i feel like i'm about to sprint. what the hell is my problem? can i trust that things really have been amazing? can i trust myself? and if i can, what do i trust? do i trust how i felt last week or how i feel now? both? is that possible? i just wish i knew why i was so upset over something that happened almost two days ago. i didn't even want to talk about him tonight when my folks asked how he was. i glazed over the subject. i keep reassuring myself that things are good but they taste a lie. but why? why why why?

is it that i realized he isn't perfect? that he has some of the same flaws the emperor did? even if that's the case it doesn't mean he is the emperor. just because he got needy in regards to sex doesn't mean he's going to start pouting, whining, and guilting me. which may just be what i' so afraid of. i don't want the uncomfortable sex life i had before again. i don't want to spread my legs out of obligation. i don't want to do it just to make him feel better about himself and get him off my case. that's what i did with the emperor. and i can't do it again.

maybe that's what i need to tell him. maybe it's as simple as that. maybe i need to pick up the phone. god knows i've felt like shit all day over this and it hasn't done any good. this has helped though. and i know talking to him will too. it always does. besides, i made a promise to always be honest and open with him. this is how things fester and rot. and i know i don't want that.

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notesinblue

January 2013

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