notesinblue: (destiny)
[personal profile] notesinblue
i am so damn torn right now.

my crush on the hanged man has reached critical mass. i want to give it a go, but i'm worried i'm making a huge mistake. and i can't tell if my apprehension is caused by my gut intuition (and hence i should pay close attention), or if i'm just scared because of the damage the emperor and the prince of wands caused (in which case i should work through it). i doubt myself to the point where i shy away from opportunities out of crippling fear. i can't tell if that's what i'm doing right now, because if it is i need to stop. i can't keep avoiding life out of a fear of failure. but if it's my intuition then i need to listen.

for the past few days i've been walking on air, but today i feel anxious and distraught. i'm worried and a bit depressed. the prince of swords, queen of disks, the I Ching, and my tarot cards, they all are cautioning me to be careful and it adds to my feeling that i'm being foolish. and then there is Maggie telling me that this sounds very exciting and promising, along with the prince's lady, brimming with joy for me. or the king of cups giving me a thumbs up. it makes me torn. i want to trust them, all of them, but none of them really know him. it's hard. and confusing.

he has some faults that worry me. he's fragile, lacking confidence, and tends toward the melancholy. i don't feel at all like he would ever abuse me, which is something i'm hyper aware of right now. but the prince of swords is right: he does tend toward the depressive. which is a red flag. but i can't help but wonder if all of those faults are because no one is, or has been, there for him. i don't want to be his mom. or spend all my time trying to fix him. but i do see a vast potential. like perhaps given some support he would blossom. but there it is: support. i'm afraid i'm falling into an old pattern of trying to fix him and be his rock. i don't really want that. i just... i guess i just have an intuition that it will all happen on its own. which sounds stupid, and i know it, but it's what i truly feel. i don't even contemplate the idea that it might not happen at all.

can he be a man for me, instead of a boy? i don't want any more boys. he's six years younger, and inexperienced and unsure, but does that disqualify him? i don't know. he was man enough to apologize to me a year ago for something that i never dreamed he would, and no one else i know would have been big enough to do it. he walked me to my car last night. he's careful with me in a way that indicates a capacity for deep affection and caring. he told me he shared my fear that he has become a bit emotionally retarded, but that awareness is encouraging. even more so the fact that he wants to change it. he told me he was frustrated that he was always so polite and aloof. he wants to be more. he wants to be a man. do i give him the opportunity? my heart says yes and my head says no.

my heart... that's that then. i typed it before i thought it. my heart tells me the truth. it was my head, not my heart, that told me love was enough in the past. i mistook the source because it pleaded the case of love and loyalty. but in my heart i knew all along i was making a mistake by staying. that's where the insomnia and anxiety came from. it was my heart saying, listen, listen, i know you love him but you need to go. i'm worried that my fear now is the same, but i think i may just be playing the part of the pessimist. i'm scared. but i'm not scared when i'm with him. when i'm with him i'm happy, if not a bit tense because of all my doubt and questions. i need to let go. the worst thing that can happen is it's a big disaster and i lose my friend. i've lost him before and i survived. just putting that out there helped melt a knot in my gut.

i think that's my biggest fear: that i'll jump in, realize it's all wrong, and hurt him badly. but i have to worry about me right now. my intentions are good. that's all i can do. if i blow him off there's a chance i might be doing him a favor but there's also a chance it would be a disservice, the same as if i don't blow him off. wouldn't it be better to take a chance for once? don't i deserve to take a chance? doesn't he deserve a chance too? i think so. i suppose we'll see what happens next time i see him. four days from now. it feels like a long long time.
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January 2013

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