notesinblue: (falling)
[personal profile] notesinblue
decided to take a chance on the hanged man and i'm so glad i did. he makes me feel, well, the opposite of how the emperor did. it's so nice. so so nice. now i'm just trying to figure out how to make it work when i live an hour away. and school takes up all my time. i wasn't kidding when i said i didn't have time for a relationship. but this...this is worth trying my best to make it work. besides, maybe the forced distance will help keep me from losing myself the way i tend to.

i find myself missing him and at the same time being a bit thankful for the break because when i'm with him it's all so intense. i took a long bath, read, and lounged today - it was very relaxing and i think i needed it. i worry that since i'm content when we are apart that means things aren't good, but on reflection it may be the opposite. i think it's a sign i'm healthy and non-codependent for the first time. it's strange, and goes against my instincts, but i think it's right. i've never been with someone like him and i've never been in a place like the one i'm in right now. my experience counts for shit. i'm not burning at as high a temperature, so i'm not turning to ash. i'm still on fire, but it's a nice fire that warms instead of burns. maybe this is what it's like to be in a normal, healthy relationship. i suppose we shall see.
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January 2013

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