Jun. 17th, 2009 12:00 am
notesinblue: (blue mind)
[personal profile] notesinblue
i think i just has a psychotic break, or at the very least a nervous breakdown. i can hardly type this. each keystroke requires all my effort, concentration, and energy. i finished writing that last entry and broke down into sobbing. real hard, hopeless, sobbing. when i managed to get it down to a drizzling cry i texted him. i texted that i may be making a huge mistake, but i needed to talk to him and was he available. and then nothing. after about ten minutes when it became evident i wasn't getting a reply i put my phone on the nightstand and just shut down. i've been staring at the wall, unable to move, not even my eyes, for at least twenty minutes. i was barely breathing. and i feel numb. as i force my fingers to move and write this some of my awareness, though not much, is returning and with it a dead feeling is creeping in. i want to cease existing. it's not that i want to die, or am suicidal, i just want to end. i won't cause it. i won't let everyone down. i doubt i even could. i can barely make my fingers work. but i don't want to go on. i don't want to split up with him. i don't want to argue. i don't want to feel the way i do, subservient and sick. i don't see a way out. i only see darkness. and i don't want anymore pain or difficulty. i'm so tired. i don't seem to be able to fix myself and no one else can or will. i have fallen apart. and it is a quarter past twelve. he isn't calling. i'm done. i want to die. there. i said it. i want to die. but i won't. that's what upsets me the most. i won't. i'll just keep getting up in the mornings and it won't stop. just pain after pain. and that's life. i'm not cursed. that's just life. it's awful and painful and you seldom get what you want, and when you do you never get to keep it. *stares blankly* i need help. someone please help me. anyone. help. please. please. i'm begging you universe. please. let the phone ring. let my father wake up and check on me like he did that once. something. anything. please. please. help me. please.

the silence is deafening.

edit: he called five minutes after i posted this and i seriously think he saved me. i got what i needed off of my chest and i feel so unburdened. he's going to call me back in an hour or so and i'm actually looking forward to it. the dread is gone. thank god a hand reached down and helped me stand up. sometimes i seem to dig myself into holes so deep i need help getting out. thank you universe. and even more so, thank you R.
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January 2013


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