carrying the closet around on my back

[notesinblue]

i feel dishonest every time i go into a fitting room.
...or use a public restroom.
...or a locker room.

i feel dishonest when women share 'girlie' secrets with me.
...or when i go along on a girl's night out.
...or get called ma'am.

i feel like i'm deceiving both strangers and friends.
...like i'm tricking people.
...like a liar, a spy.

sometimes i'm frightened that the illusion will suddenly break and people will be outraged.
"how the hell did that man get in here?" "you bastard, you tricked us!"
except i never meant to. i really didn't.

the men see me as a girl and they shut me out. i feel excluded. disappointed.
the women see me as kindred and confide in me. i feel dishonest. embarrassed.

i should tell them. i should tell them all.
but i don't think it would change anything for the better.
and i'm afraid.
afraid that i won't have a place at all anymore, instead of just the wrong one.