gripe #113

Feb. 17th, 2008 08:23 pm
notesinblue: (facepalm)
been watching the history channel with the folks for almost three hours now, and i'm going nuts with boredom. my mom is so opposed to going and taking a few classes on campus, yet she insists on watching educational tv, reading non-fic, and just generally soaking up info whenever possible. which is great and all but it frustrates me. she's bored and trapped in a nowhere job, yet she has it in her head that she can't go back to school. she thinks she's too old. but she would love it. i on the other hand get enough of all of this during my weekdays. *sigh*

untouched

Feb. 14th, 2008 10:48 pm
notesinblue: (blue sex)
i miss kissing. dancing close to someone. the feel of skin beneath my fingertips. i don't really miss being in a relationship. or sex. just the little thrill of electricity that comes with initiation. the flutter of excitement. those heated moments when one person reaches out and another person reaches back.

which is both why i've been flirting with the hanged man, and why i need to stop. i'd fucking break him. all i want is some spark. which is so uncool to pursue, even slightly, with a friend. and a fragile virgin friend at that. he's never been kissed. who the hell am i to wiggle my eyebrows at him when all i want is a bit of fun? i'm pissing myself off. it's just, there is no one, and i mean no one, else to flirt with.

i don't want a boyfriend, or even a fling. i just want to feel human again, if even for a moment. no one has touched me in nearly two years. sometimes i close my eyes and try to remember what it's like. and i can't. babies become retarded without human touch. i'm not becoming retarded intellectually, but i am emotionally. the longer it continues the more i feel like i'm becoming a machine, or undead.

i bought a pair of high heeled fuck-me boots. i cut my hair short and daring, and dyed it black. i feel like i'm fishing, even though i don't want to catch anything. i truly don't. i'm content with being single. my life is complex and full enough without being in a relationship. yet there is that yearning for contact. i want someone to run a hand through my new short hair. i want to be touched.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i find myself melancholy today and i'm not certain why. it's a bunch of little things i suppose. i just wish i could let them all go and enjoy my day. it's windy and cold, but the sun is out. i have the day off. i can do whatever i want. and yet... perhaps i need a nap. or to get out of the house. i'm not sure. all i know is that i feel low.

the prince of wands keeps popping into my head as well. it's not what's bothering me, but it doesn't help. the hierophant said that he seems him semi-often, and that the two of them bitch about my divorce. hard to imagine what they might say, since i haven't spoken to the prince since june, and i never discuss the divorce with the hierophant. they must simply rehash whatever trash the emperor is selling. it makes me sick. and hateful. which is so unlike me. i'm not accustomed to carrying so much bile. i just want to scream at the prince. scream and punch and spit at.

i'll be the first to admit that all of this has given me some abandonment issues. my husband abused me, then discarded me. my best friends left me. one, the princess, telling me i should just get over it all and that i was selfish. the other, the prince, telling me that i was never abused and that i was essentially full of crap. my biggest fears come to life. now i keep almost everyone at a distance for fear they may turn on me as well. because the people i loved didn't just leave, they kicked me on the way out. the people i don't keep at arm's length i feel like i cling to too tightly. the prince of swords and my parents. i hold onto them for dear life. i just hope i'm not smothering them. still, here i am, feeling lonely and melancholy, and i dare not reach out for help or comfort. if i didn't get it i'd be worse than i am now. so i carry on by myself. even though i know it's not healthy.

i think i should pack up and head to town. go shopping. sit in a coffee shop. anything other than sit here trapped in my own head. time to take this day by the scruff of the neck and shake it until it gives me what i want. which is to say, i need a little revitalization.

miracle

Feb. 3rd, 2008 12:54 am
notesinblue: (happy)
swamped with homework.
still waiting for a ruling.
somewhat sick.
flat broke.
alone.

happy anyway.
notesinblue: (daydream)
Today I...

...plucked a single snow-white hair from the top of my head where it was reaching toward the sky like an antennae, then let it fall to the floor where it was lost in dog hair, bits of bark, and coffee cake crumbs.

...shouldered a brand new winter coat, the first in a decade, stylishly assembled to resemble a coat my father once had in the early seventies. new twice.

...walked quickly, far too quickly, everywhere I went while listening to the rise and fall of piano, guitar, synthesizer, voice, all of them tuned to the key of discontent.

...read the damn poem about blackbirds again and vowed to write my own poem with thirteen verses on a single subject. thirteen ways of looking at...what precisely? as soon as I figure that out it will be brilliant. revolutionary. mind blowing.

...ate a granola bar for the first time in my adult life, pondering each chewy bit of childhood mountain adventure stuck in my teeth.

...raised my eyebrows at the unsolicited smile of one I once called friend and now call nothing at all, all the while marveling not at the situation but rather at the softness of the hat I was fumbling to tug over my cold tinted ears.

...parked illegally under a sign that said 30 Minutes in bold authoritative type when I knew full well I'd be an hour, and didn't look back when I walked away.

...baked cinnamon rolls, watched them rise, smeared frosting over the tops where it melted, then devoured one. two. later perhaps three.

...enjoyed the feel of a new pair of socks surrounding my feet, and wriggled my toes, making red and black argyle waves lift and crash upon the floor silently. cotton on cotton.

...found the piece of polished quartz I thought I had lost, nestled in the shelter of my coffee table's silver leg in the thicket of cream colored carpet.

...took a few pictures of my dog as he slept upside down, dreaming in the position of a deceased cockroach.

...decided to rename my most recent poem ellipses. this is not said poem, nor is there a single ellipses contained within its lines.

...by happenstance, wrote thirteen lines in my journal all saying different things but expressing the same sentiment: Today was Thursday the 24th of January. Just another day. Just another unique, repetitive, ordinarily extraordinary day. My name is ever changing, and I am a poet.

dragging

Jan. 20th, 2008 02:16 am
notesinblue: (dream)
i seem to have recaught my cold, and i've spent all day feeling ill and watching tv as a result. i hate that. tomorrow is my last day of vacation, and while i had hoped to make it count, it looks like i'll spend it wrapped in a blanket watching it snow and trying to get healthy. not what i had hoped for, but it could be worse.

i'm nervous about the new semester, but i always am. it doesn't matter how many times i do this - i'm always just as jittery as i was the first time. it doesn't help that i still don't know what i'm taking. my next to last semester and i don't know what i'm going to register for. *shakes head* it's that fourth class i just can't seem to figure out. nothing i want fits, and everything that fits sounds either soul-crushingly dull or like boat loads of work. i wouldn't mind the work if i weren't already tackling two really tough classes already. i'll check again tomorrow to see if anything middle of the road has opened up, or jumps out at me. regardless, it's time to decide.

i felt like i had something to say, but all that comes to mind is, "i don't feel well and i'm nervous about school." i've been trying not to think about the divorce, but it lingers. i don't feel any closer to the end than i did before court and i'm not sure if that's because i'm really not, or because it hasn't sunk in yet. a little of both i'm guessing. in the meantime i'm trying to push it out of my thoughts. which works alright until i turn out the lights, hence, here i am. perhaps Nyquil holds the solution to more than one of my problems. nothing quite like the sweet sweet sleep of cold meds.


note: i rediscovered the Supernatural "scary just got sexy" promo, and i can't get it out of my head. i hadn't seen it since last summer so when i stumbled across some screen caps i had to hunt it down and rewatch it. sexy indeed. i'm inspired to make icons again.
notesinblue: (loss)
i'm blue. it's odd, i wasn't that upset when i left court today for once. but the past few hours i've been trying to play a video game to keep my mind off of things and it hasn't worked. not at all. i finally gave up. i think i figured out what's nagging at me, aside from all of the obvious.

today i sat in front of a room full of people and admitted that i'm afraid of the emperor. and that i never want to see him again under any circumstances.

and it's true. ... isn't it? it's true that i don't want him anywhere near me. that i'm fucking terrified of him. even that i was truly frightened walking out of the courthouse that he'd shoot me dead on the steps, even though he doesn't own a gun. i'm more afraid of him than i have been of anyone. he's unstable, cruel, and as emotionally destructive as an A bomb. and i don't want him in my life. at all.

and yet, it makes me sad.

i thought i was done mourning him. i truly did. i haven't missed him in months. i've felt very ready to be free of him. in fact, i've longed for it. but here i am, thinking about never seeing him again, about cutting him totally from my life, and i don't feel relieved or glad. i feel fucking awful. it was the look he had on his face. throughout all of this all i've seen is malice and hatred. but for an instant i saw it: he was hurt. after every thing he has said and done, i finally got to see a glimmer of the man i once loved under all of it. and i think, for a split second, he was sorry.

and it doesn't mean anything.

as soon as i wrote that i just wept stronger and deeper tears than i have in a long time. it was like the ocean pouring out of me for about five minutes. then i got up, blew my nose and dried my tears, pitched the kleenex in the fire and returned to the keys, where i am now, no longer feeling the same sick feeling and instead just feeling tired and somewhat sad.

it doesn't make a difference that he was wounded, or perhaps sorry. it doesn't matter. it's far too late to mean anything. he is no longer a part of my life, and he never will be again.

i've said all of this before, and i've known it for a while, but i think i just finally knew it in my heart today. and it hurts. it hurts to know that the person i loved, wanted to spend my life with, *did* spend twelve years with, is gone. in many ways that man was murdered by the insanity that overtook him. the man i married is dead, and he is never coming back. only the sickness remains. we will never have a tentative conversation in a coffeeshop in a year or so. there won't be a half-smile, then another in return, across a room. we won't talk a bit during a party. and we won't mend our fences very slowly over the years so that one day, many years from now, we are family again.

i feel hollow when i write it all. like maybe, perhaps, there is still a chance. and i hate that i cling to that on some level while the rest of me spends hours on end praying for him to leave the country and never return. i don't know why i would ever even want to have him in my life again, if even for a day. he has been a toxin, slowly killing me, for years. why would i ever want to recapture that? because i want to be loved? because i don't want the past twelve years of my life to be nothing but a horrible mistake? no. it's something else. it's because i don't want that person to be gone.

i loved him for a reason. and i don't want him to be gone forever. no one who loses a loved one wants that. i bet they fantasize about seeing them one day on a crowded street too. except that fantasy is much more obviously just that: a fantasy. my fantasy is more mundane, but just as impossible. the whole thing is exhausting beyond measure. i truly thought i'd be relieved equally beyond measure, and i'm disappointed that instead i feel loss for something that has been gone for a long time. i'm tired of grieving for him. i don't want him back. i suppose part of me just wishes for the power of resurrection because i miss the man he was. even while i hate the man he is.

i hope this is the end of my mourning. i hope this was the last step. it feels like it, but it has before. still, this time it's a bit different. this time i said it outloud. in his presence.

"i never, under any circumstances, want any contact with him again."

time

Jan. 17th, 2008 12:16 am
notesinblue: (profile)
in twelve hours i will be in the courthouse facing down one of the most agonizing events of my life: my divorce. it's taken a long time to get here. fifteen months since i left. eleven since divorce was proposed. eight since we filed. five since i hired the lawyer and we had our first temporary orders hearing. one since our last hearing. can't believe it's taken this long to get to final orders. and even after all this time, will it actually be over tomorrow? will i finally be free? i want to believe i will be, but my gut tells me there will be more.

i'm trying to be strong, to not be afraid. the anxiety is intensified knowing that i'll have to hear the queen of wands spout slander about me, as with the emperor himself and his puppet. then there is taking the stand myself and undergoing the bombardment from the emperor's morally bankrupt sleazeball lawyer. i never really got lawyer jokes until i met this man. waste of carbon doesn't cover it. more like the corruption and defilement of carbon.

i'm worried about the settlement. i'm worried i'll lose. everyone else seems so damn sure, beyond optimistic, and i'm trying to see it, but i don't. i'm worried that all this pain and suffering will be for nothing. but i can't afford to think like that. i need to relax. to believe. to believe in myself, my decisions, my attorney, and the law. to believe that no matter what happens tomorrow i will survive it and i will continue to go forward. to believe in my own strength, resilience, and power. and to believe that not only can i do this, but that i can do it and succeed. because i have to.

there is no sense in worrying about the inevitable. tomorrow will come, and i will go to court, and it will be awful, and i will come home. that's that. nothing more, nothing less. and if i'm very very lucky i will get my ruling swiftly and it will be favorable. right now i just need to breathe in, and breathe out. in, and out. and to try my best to fall asleep. when i wake up i'll be in the thick of it. and this time tomorrow it will be another bad day behind me instead of in front of me.

i can do this. i am able to do this. i am capable of doing this. and i will do this.
because it's time to do this. and i am ready.

it's time to end the emperor's long reign.
notesinblue: (rage)
i just remembered why i hate the princess of cups. why her abandonment and treatment of me falls into the realm of unforgivable instead of merely crappy.

fishing through a box, looking for something else, i came across the letter she wrote me on 12/11/06 pledging her love as my best friend. december fucking eleventh. almost exactly a month later i wrote this. a few weeks after that we had our disastrous "last dinner".

the fact that she was my closest friend, my best friend, and that she left me when i needed her most is horrid. the fact that she said so many awful things, and was downright horrific to me, is deplorable. but the fact that she did all of that after writing me the letter that she did is downright unforgivable. i wish i could share it with the empress as a warning, but it would just seem like pettiness or some other bile filled emotion. but the fact is i want to warn her. i want to warn everyone who crosses her path. i want to stitch a big crimson letter in all of her clothing so that everyone will know what she did to me, and know to stay away. but i can't.

and i have to see her on saturday.

i told the empress i'd play nice when she told me the princess would be at her party, and i meant it. i had no desire to see her or speak to her, but i didn't feel the need to leap up and slap the crap out of her on sight either. but now, with my memory jogged, i'm not sure i'll be able to keep my promise. i'll stay cool and ignore her. but she'll do something. a look. or heaven forbid, an attempt at conversation. and that will be it. i'll crucify her. i will rip her the fuck apart. and i'll be happy to do it.

maybe i should arrive terribly late or leave terribly early.
notesinblue: (optimistic)
ok. here it is. i've been working on a list of things, big and small, that i'd really like to do this year that i have thus so far failed to do in previous years. i've never done anything like this. it's not a list of resolutions per se, more like a list of things that i think would make this year amazing. i need not complete them all, though that would be phenomenal - the more i do the better the year will likely be. i'm not including my divorce or my bachelors, because those are things i've been working on and already planned on completing this year, gods willing. these are other things, things i've stalled on or never quite got around to. these are like mini-dreams, all of which would make me happy. so without further ado, here's the list.

self & home:
cut my hair short
get new glasses
reach my goal weight/health (roughly a size 8 and around 130)
clean and decorate the loft - possibly paint
throw/give away everything I don't need or love

creative:
start and track the travel journal
edit my second and third books
complete a happiness scrapbook
photoblog one entry a week all year
mix more cds (including two supernatural playlists)
archive my journals into hardcopy form

experiences:
read more - especially russian authors
go to the desert for a vacation
road trip - this may, or may not, be the desert trip
go to Denver for a play/opera/symphony
throw more parties. even if they're small.
london?

skills:
learn to dance - possibly to salsa.
learn to shoot like a badass
learn to play the piano

stepping stones:
look into, and eventually apply for, grad school
get my damn passport
submit some short stories/poetry for publication
find an agent/research publishing

inheritance

Jan. 7th, 2008 01:51 am
notesinblue: (blue mind)
a thousand generations
the soil on which we walk
a mountain of mistakes
for us to climb for pleasure

a hundred clocks are ticking
the line becomes a circle
spin the wheel of fortune
or learn to navigate
~covenant


living with my parents again, now that i'm a thirty-something, is very different than when i lived with them as a teenager. on about a million levels. one of them is that i notice their flaws more. we fought a lot when i was younger, and barely ever now, but i can see their neurotic tendencies and shortcomings clear as day now whereas they were invisible before. maybe that's *why* we don't fight - i see why they act the way they do even when it's unreasonable.

i've noticed how immature and stubborn my father can be. and that he drinks more than i ever remembered, which makes me sad. i know he does it because he's tired. i hope he can finally get out of his job this winter because it's killing him. more than anything though i notice my mother's unhealthy attitudes.

she worries. all the time. about everything. and when there is nothing to worry about, she invents something. she's terribly negative, but she cites everyone else as being the negative ones. she's condescending and bossy when she's tired, which seems to be much more often than in the past. she nags and criticizes, but rarely does much herself. and i loath how she speaks to my father sometimes. i know she has no idea how she sounds. if she knew she'd feel awful. it's just awful though. and i'm terrified that's how i might be.

the nervous tendencies didn't manifest in me until a steady stream of abuse had been poured up me over the years, but they did manifest. and now they won't leave. and the rest, well, i don't think i'm like that, but i'm sure she doesn't either. the emperor said i was like that, but he said a lot of awful and untrue things about me. he projected his own ugliness onto me, and he shares many qualities with my mother - perhaps it was him not me. still, i worry i may be an awful bitch to those that care about me (read as: those that let me get away with it, and i know will let me get away with it). i worry. heh. and there it is again.

i used to say that i wouldn't mind turning into my parents too much, because as far as folks go they're pretty awesome. and they are. but they're no longer flawless and in their faults i see some of myself. i wouldn't mind retaining their finer qualities, but i'll be damned if i'll end up so critical and negative without a fight. i don't want to be that way. the past decade has beaten me down, but i refuse to be tainted by it. i refuse to see the glass as half empty rather than half full. or too big.
notesinblue: (daydream)
i'm watching Lost in another tiny window. my interest has somewhat waned, but i don't think it's the fault of the show. i feel somewhat discontent. i think it's because my vacation is nearly over and i haven't done a damn thing. i still have plenty i'd like to do, but time is short. worse, court is creeping closer and i have such a sick feeling in my stomach everytime i think about it, it's unreal. i want to be done, but i no longer believe this will be the end. there will be more. sometimes i'm afraid it will never be done, that i will be trapped in this cycle of hell forever. of course i know it's not true. one day it will be over. i just wish i knew that day was going to be soon.

lord am i tired of writing that over and over again. the same shit, just a different day. if only there was something i could do about it. i suppose i could try to focus on something else, like all those things i want to do that i mentioned. maybe i could write a list. hmm. okay. let's try it. who knows, maybe it will invigorate me. i could use some inspiration right about now.

finish watching Lost
take down X-mas decorations
cook up a story for monday
start the travel journal
edit
finish reading fortune
happiness scrapbook
photoblog (ongoing)
register
clean and decorate the loft
play a game (Shadow Hearts, ongoing)
mix two/three supernatural playlists
burn disks for friends
get things ready for next semester
call dentist

still stuck

Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:55 pm
notesinblue: (profile)
i've had a sick feeling in my gut since yesterday afternoon. i started out the year so optimistic, but now i feel quite the opposite. i think the emperor must be concentrating on me pretty hard - i feel as though the evil eye is fixed upon me. divorce fears actually woke me up this morning, pulled me right out of sleep. i feel as though i personally am on trial, instead of this being a divorce. i'm tired of my character being attacked, hell, of me being attacked.

the emperor has submitted his evidence list and it's all designed to tear out my throat. it most likely won't do much to help his case, but it will be awful. i'm starting to fear that this will never be done. that even if final orders are handed down on the 17th that i'll be dealing with him for months and months afterwards. he didn't honor the temporary orders, why would final ones be different? if i'm awarded money he won't pay it. if i'm awarded property he won't release it. the house is going into foreclosure and the attorney's fees keep piling up. he is hell bent on bankrupting me and i see no defense against it. i'm worried i may have to leave the university with only one semester left to go. i just feel so trapped. i feel the way i did when i was still with him - a slave to his malice and control.

i'm just so damn tired of all of this. i've never been one to regret. i believe that i am who i am only because of how i got here. i've learned so much, and grown. but still, if i could go back in time and avoid all of this, i would. i want free of him so badly. i want him out of my life. i just want to build a new life, a good one. i feel so optimistic when i think about a future that he isn't a part of. how much longer must i wait? how much more must i endure? when do i get to live my own life instead of his?
notesinblue: (daydream)
it's time for my annual "year according to lj" post. to play take the first line (or two) from the first entry of each month and repost it. let's see what 2007 looked like...

jan: "driving through snow, so thick i could only see five feet in front of me, i had a familiar conversation with myself with unfamiliar results."
feb: "for better or worse, i pushed send this time."
march: "i deleted all the entries out of my old journal and converted it into a photography and writing journal."
april: "right now i'm not very happy. i don't know why. i was fine, and then all of a sudden i was overcome with a case of the blues."
may: "i've been plagued with anxiety all day. i need to be working on my take home finals, but i'm paralyzed by my emotions."
june: "At World's End broke my heart."
july: "i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been."
aug: "last night i had a long vivid dream that i was some sort of undead ghoul."
sept: "this past year i can't shake the feeling that my life, my situation, is a work in progress."
oct: "every time i have an encounter with the emperor it throws me off balance, and this time i'm having trouble picking myself back up."
nov: "i'm having trouble getting my word count in. i've spent all day "writing" and only have 2.2k to show for it."
dec: "i'm so fucking tired of his bullshit and i'm tired of this divorce."

lord i hope next year is cheerier, or, at the very least, free from the emperor's influence. he's the most toxic person i've ever encountered. and i had the misfortune of marrying him. i remember being so afraid of growing old alone, or of being alone in general. not anymore. not the way i used to be. i used to think even the wrong person was better than no one. i sure as shit don't think that now. when i think about living out the rest of my life single i feel a certain calm acceptance. so what if i'm single? so what if i never have a family? it's better than being in the abusive hell cycle i was in before. thinking of it that way, being alone seems like a blessing, not a curse.
notesinblue: (smokin')
i think i'm...bored. can't remember the last time that happened. i have plenty of things to do, but none of them are really blowing my skirt up at the moment. i'm snowed in, and while i have books, tv, puzzles, and videogames galore, i also have cabin fever. blarg. i could edit, write, scrapbook, or any other number of creative endeavors, but i'm not feeling a real spark. i was rewatching Lost, but i'm just a few episodes from season three and, like i said, i'm snowed in. maybe i should finish it off anyway. never know, i might be more inspired tomorrow night. what an odd situation. it's been a long time since i was disenchanted with loafing. how unlike me. maybe this is a good time to do some cleaning. ... nah.
notesinblue: (glee)
it's a true holiday miracle: i had a merry christmas. Now i'm basking in the post-holiday glow, feeling happy. what a contrast to the past several years. yet more proof that life without the emperor is not only okay, it's better.

and now, a list of my loot. recorded for posterity.

chrysta - card, cookies, & a mix cd
sage - card
andrea - woven hand warmers
princess of disks - cookies
grandma - chocolates, & $50 Target card
folks - seasons 1-5 of X-Files, $30 Barnes & Noble card, chocolate, "I Am America & So Can You" - Colbert, Sega games for the PS2, Covenant - Skyshaper, VNV Nation - Judgement, T-Shirt (Careful or you'll end up in my novel.), gloves, socks, draft-dodgers for my leaky antique windows, & pineapple candles.

quite the haul! i have a feeling the princess got me a gift too, but i won't see her until thursday. i actually have a tin of cookies for her, the only person outside my family i'm actually exchanging gifts with. watching the folks open their gifts was the best part though. i did good. and now that the holiday has passed i can safely go pick up a few things i've been wanting, like Lost season 3 and a new hard-drive. i'm just so damn happy to have spent the holiday without bullshit, drama, or hurt. i used to mourn the loss of the emperor as a part of my family, but now i realize he never was family. family is so much more. the people i have left are my real family, and they're amazing.

relapse

Dec. 24th, 2007 02:57 am
notesinblue: (destiny)
sitting on the loveseat watching my candles flicker and burn. full moon tonight, and it's officially christmas eve. i've felt very off since friday. i hate that the emperor always pulls his shit during holidays or exams. i had recaptured a tiny bit of my holiday spirit, and had been anxiety free, and then...wham, right in the gut. the fact that the queen of wands called doesn't help. yeah, it's kind of funny in a sick way. but on the other hand now i'm nervous around my phone again. i had finally gotten over that, and again, wham. i feel like this whole thing made me backslide. *sigh* and all i really want is to have a nice holiday.

i'm tired. i'm tired of dealing with this crap, day in and day out. i just want it to be done. i don't want to think about him, or any of it, ever again. i want to be allowed to move on with my life. it seems like every time i pull free i get pulled in again. i'm trying not to let it bother me, to not think about it, but unfortunately i sort of have to think about it. i don't have the luxury to sit back and do nothing until the trial because he keeps fucking shit up, and assuring that every cent i have goes to my lawyer. i'm tired of that too. i'm just so damn tired of all of it. I'm even tired of writing about it.

today is christmas eve. i think i'm going to turn off my phone and just close out the world. just hide away on the mountain for the holiday and try to forget that any of this exists. i want to be free from my anxiety again. i want to have a merry christmas. i want to be whole and happy. i want to be myself again.
notesinblue: (blue sex)
it seems worth noting that it's been the better part of a week and i'm still anxiety free. i just finished cleaning the loft and i'm laying on the loveseat watching a couple candles burn down. i was going to watch tv, or read a book, but i'm bored with those ideas. i'm not sure what i want to do, but i'm pretty sure i'm too tired to figure it out.

i was trying to remember the last time i danced with someone, and i can't. the last time i even felt skin beneath my fingertips, or hair between my fingers, was the summer before last. the prince of wands. i haven't spoken to him since june. in a way i hate him more than the emperor. the emperor is insane, what's the prince's damn excuse? idiocy i suppose. not really the point though. the point is i'm afraid i've lost my sense of touch. or the ability to be close to another human being on a physical level. i lay in my bed alone every night, and it rarely bothers me anymore. i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if my passion is drying up and wilting. i don't want to see anyone right now. but i wouldn't mind a little closeness. just so i can remember what it's like to feel.
notesinblue: (virgin state)
staying at the princess of disks' house for the night. she's not here. just me and the fish. and her rat. it's eerie. i don't like being away from home. never have. never will. it makes me uneasy. normally i'd be having a big damn panic attack right about now. away from home and all alone. but i'm not. i'm uneasy, but not triggered the way i would expect. it's...okay if not ideal.

as soon as i'm done typing this i'm going to go try to get comfortable in someone else's bed (something i'm having trouble imagining) and maybe even get some sleep. barring sleep i'll read the book i brought or watch some tv. i'm glad i decided to come here instead of staying at the prince of sword's house. i may be all alone, but at least i don't feel awkward. and i don't have to sleep on a stiff futon that has been peed on by cats numerous times. yeah. so, uneasy, but okay. maybe the emdr really did fix me. cause if this hasn't sent me screaming then i think i might be a-okay.

free

Dec. 16th, 2007 12:15 am
notesinblue: (optimistic)
i don't want to jinx myself, but i think my EMDR worked. i haven't had an anxiety attack since my appointment on friday. i've felt relaxed, like myself. i hope it sticks, because it's amazing to live without the fear chained around my heart.
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