notesinblue: (Default)
all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i find myself melancholy today and i'm not certain why. it's a bunch of little things i suppose. i just wish i could let them all go and enjoy my day. it's windy and cold, but the sun is out. i have the day off. i can do whatever i want. and yet... perhaps i need a nap. or to get out of the house. i'm not sure. all i know is that i feel low.

the prince of wands keeps popping into my head as well. it's not what's bothering me, but it doesn't help. the hierophant said that he seems him semi-often, and that the two of them bitch about my divorce. hard to imagine what they might say, since i haven't spoken to the prince since june, and i never discuss the divorce with the hierophant. they must simply rehash whatever trash the emperor is selling. it makes me sick. and hateful. which is so unlike me. i'm not accustomed to carrying so much bile. i just want to scream at the prince. scream and punch and spit at.

i'll be the first to admit that all of this has given me some abandonment issues. my husband abused me, then discarded me. my best friends left me. one, the princess, telling me i should just get over it all and that i was selfish. the other, the prince, telling me that i was never abused and that i was essentially full of crap. my biggest fears come to life. now i keep almost everyone at a distance for fear they may turn on me as well. because the people i loved didn't just leave, they kicked me on the way out. the people i don't keep at arm's length i feel like i cling to too tightly. the prince of swords and my parents. i hold onto them for dear life. i just hope i'm not smothering them. still, here i am, feeling lonely and melancholy, and i dare not reach out for help or comfort. if i didn't get it i'd be worse than i am now. so i carry on by myself. even though i know it's not healthy.

i think i should pack up and head to town. go shopping. sit in a coffee shop. anything other than sit here trapped in my own head. time to take this day by the scruff of the neck and shake it until it gives me what i want. which is to say, i need a little revitalization.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i had a good birthday today. well, technically yesterday. 7-7-07. lucky me - i turned thirty on the luckiest day of the millennium. let's hope that bodes well for my thirties.

pop made me pancakes before leaving for work, and mom was awesome for my mini-party. the prince of swords, princess of disks, and the hermit all came up, and we partook in much lasagna, cake, and card games. we played Munchkin (Fu & Bites) and Unexploded Cow (a new game from the princess). everyone got along great, and we laughed and had much fun. it really was a good day, better than my last several birthdays honestly. my grandfather even called to wish me happy birthday, something he hasn't done since i was a child. the whole day felt like the grande finale for a truly good week. i'm happy. mostly.

the emperor made no contact, and for that i am both glad/relieved, while also being foolishly disappointed. i suppose he really meant his good-bye. i wasn't wounded by it until now. even now the wound isn't deep, but it is there and i acknowledge it. his silence cuts just as his words do. what's worse is that the prince of wands didn't contact me either. not a peep. now that does cut deep, and it makes me angry too. last year all i wanted for my birthday was to kiss him. now i want to punch him. hell hath no fury...

i find myself deciding to cut him from my life. it may seem petty, "oh, cut him out just because he didn't call you on your birthday...grow up", but it's not that simple. the last time i saw him he really wounded me with the things he said. he unloaded a bunch of bs on me then vanished. i was disappointed when he didn't call for weeks, and i was hurt when he didn't call on the fourth. now i'm fed up. all i wanted was the tiniest consideration. the fuckin' heirophant called for shit's sake. and my grandfather, whom i haven't spoken to in the better part of a decade. but the prince can't pick up the phone? screw him. i don't need him. and what's even more distressing is i don't think i even want him anymore either. this time last year i was very much in love with both him and the emperor. now i find my heart broken and empty.

it's funny, the emperor refused to relinquish the PS2 in a settlement. i heard it broke two weeks ago. now, today, i got one from my parents for my birthday. it feels like karma. i got a PS1 when i turned 19, right after i moved out, and in with the emperor. all this year i've been saying i felt like i had gone back to being 18. now i feel 19 all over again. except this time i'll make different choices.

it felt strange hooking up the PS2, and my little tv, and having a complete living space here in my loft. it feels like i've made a home of my own, and there's no one else in it, so to speak. i've moved on, and even though i'm still here on the ridge with my folks, i feel like i'm alone for the first time. i'm single. i'm really single. i share my space and my heart with no one. all of that from hooking up my own damn tv. strange how the mind can work. strange how much this post has wandered, even though i think this is really what i set out to say even though i didn't really know it. strange how life spins.


for the records, my lootz:
grandma - $50
queen of disks & king of cups - PS2, White Knight by Jim Butcher, & $50 gift card to B&N
princess of disks - Buffy season 2 (so i don't have to get it back from the queen of wands since the emperor gave her my copy), Unexploded Cow, & three scratch tickets (i won $1!)
the hermit - a stack of burned music (should be fun to root through)
michael f - a paid Flickr account (weird that someone i hardly know got me something...)
notesinblue: (falling)
for better or worse, i pushed send this time.

Ne -

I was sitting in Clark watching it snow today and I was struck by a sudden spell of missing you intensely. I found myself thinking of a thousand things I wanted to tell you, show you, share with you, and I was nearly overcome with the sense of your absence. It seemed in that moment that you had been gone for years, decades. I suppose it surprised me in large part because it was so random and unprovoked. That and, strange as it may sound, I've gotten used to your absence.

I realized last week that I've gotten used to the absence of a great many things. My life no longer resembles its former self - the only remnant is Monday night, where I feel somewhat detached. It's not the same without you there. It's not the same in general. I've changed and no one seems to have noticed. I humor them by making the same old jokes and keeping my metamorphosis to myself.

The Emperor and I have been getting along well the past few weeks and I'm glad for it. He is unhappy and he seeks my advice and sympathy - I suppose some things remain ever the same. I would worry about him, but he seems determined to make things difficult for himself. I think it's what he needs to do right now. Not even his "distracting fling" with the Queen of Wands makes him happy (which makes me wonder what the point is). These days I sit quietly as he rests his head on my shoulder and tells me he is doomed to remain unhappy. I do all I can, which is to say I offer a kind word, a hug, and go on my way. It is all I can do. It's all I ever could do, except now I'm aware of my limitations.

Most of my other friendships have settled into near stagnation. Since I moved up here, and winter hit, I haven't seen much of anyone. We still have five feet of snow up here and it has snowed every week for two months. The weathermen are beside themselves, as is my poor father. I passed the stir crazy stage a month ago. I'm resigned now to living and breathing snow, textbooks, and solitude. I figure I'll dig myself out next spring.

The Prince of Swords has returned to school (woo!) and remains chained to S at the hip. I'm glad for him, but I miss him as well. I haven't seen him, just the two of us, since October. I only vaguely recollect what being around him without others is like. I miss the side of him that only comes out when there is no one around to impress.

The Prince of Disks and I, on the other hand, have been closer the past few months than we have been in a long time. I edited his book for him and he's excited about revisions. He seems happier than he has in a long time. I think he's finally coming to peace with himself. I think you'd be happy to see how much he's grown this past year.

The Princess of Cups and I have a bit of a falling out. After a couple months of snippy passive aggressive phone calls we finally had an ill-fated dinner that ended in shouting across the table in a busy restaurant. We've since reconciled but things aren't the same. I doubt they ever will be. And strangely I feel nothing for the loss. To much has been lost over the past year for me to care as deeply as I once did about such things. I'm afraid I've become cold. But Disney movies still make me cry, so all is not lost.

It's very dark out tonight, the snow clouds have blotted out the moon and the lights from town. I've lit my room with candles to take the chill off. (It's -7 degrees.) I'm supposed to be typing my paper for tomorrow's lecture on Byron, but as soon as I opened my laptop I found myself thinking about you again.

I've been meaning to write this letter for weeks. I'm not sure why I didn't. I suppose it's just because I have so much to say. And I don't just mean all of the crap I wrote above this. I mean so much more than that. Even now I can't find the words or inclination to write them. Suffice it to say that I have a lot I wish I could tell you. And there is a lot I wish I could hear. I want to hear you describe the ocean in New Zealand, or the cliffs of Ireland. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear your distinct way of speaking, and seeing the world. I suppose I just miss you, as I said at the beginning.

And I do, miss you. I love you, R. I'm not sure what that means anymore, if anything, but I'd be remiss not to say it. Don't worry. I expect nothing in return. I rarely even hope for anything anymore. But I do still feel something every time I hear certain songs or see familiar sights. I think to myself, "once upon a time me and a boy I loved were there, and I was happy", and I'm thinking of you. Strange that despite our lack of a romantic relationship I feel so connected. I'm not sure why I bring it up, except that it has been clinging in the back of my throat, something unsaid and heavy, for quite some time. I've been careful to tiptoe around the words, and I've grown weary with not saying what's on my mind (much to the chagrin of others). So please, forgive my candor just this once, and take it for what it is: an offer of honesty and affection.

I hope you are well. I hope New Zealand is the paradise it seems. I hope you are happy. I hope you dream wonderful dreams. I hope for a great many things, all of them good, for you. Know that somewhere on the other side of the world someone is watching a snowflake melt on a pane of glass and thinking of you. Know that you are, as always, loved.

Love, Me
notesinblue: (prose)
unsent letters... ever since that strange girl i once knew told me about them, i find myself composing them on occasion. the idea was like a virus. contagious. fortunately i'm not afflicted all that often. so here is a december installment, brought on by a sudden outbreak.


dear prince of wands,
what i didn't write in the letter, but really wanted to, was: do you miss me? are you looking forward to seeing me again? do you think about me from time to time? or should i forget about you as you may have forgotten about me?

dear king of disks,
why are we having lunch tomorrow? yeah, we're friends, but why are we really getting together? i've known you for nine years and we've never gone out to lunch. so tell me - what should i expect? what do you expect?

dear emperor,
i missed you today. it hurt, very deeply, and came out of the blue. but that's not the remarkable part. the remarkable part is that in missing you today i realized that i hadn't yesterday. either i'm finally healing thanks to your charming behavior, or i'm getting really really good at being detached and numb.

dear queen of wands,
i'm not surprised you're fucking him. not really. but honestly, truly, i don't think i could hate you more. emotions this strong are reserved for those you once truly loved. think about. and if the emperor gives you my number, don't call it. and if he invites you over when i'm there, don't show. 'cause, babe, i will choke the life out of you with my bare freaking hands. and you, who has looked into my heart in the past, should know that i'm dead serious.

dear prince of swords,
i'm really glad you called. i was stunned at how glad i was. i've missed you. and rather than being sore because you haven't been around, i find myself happy that you picked up the phone and called me for the first time since i moved away. please visit me before the year is over. please make things somewhat normal again by being my friend the way you used to be.

dear empress,
i'm sorry i haven't called. it's just, you scare me sometimes. you remind me a little of her, and with her shitting where i just slept she's on my mind. that and i know he's poisoned you against me to an extent. i don't blame you. he calls you back and i don't. he's charming and tells all, and i don't. but please, don't believe everything he says. he lies and he's delusional. and please, don't stick a sword through my back like she did. be different. be better.

dear princess of cups,
i miss you. i miss you and i feel left behind. it's not your fault. i'm not angry, except for possibly at myself. i haven't been around and you've had to fill up the hole i left. you've made new friends and kept busy. and i'm not a part of it. i picked up and left you all alone, and now i'm sad because i know you've moved on. i hate that in leaving him i might have broken things. i hate even more that i'm too weak to fix them properly right now. i just hope that you'll still be there, if even a little, when i come crawling home.

dear king of cups,
you really hurt me yesterday. badly. and i know you know it. things were stiff, uncomfortable, today. i'm not angry, just hurt. if you're actually sorry, and you want to make it better, just do what you're so good at - pretend nothing happened. i want to forget about it even more than you do. trust me on this one.

dear jasper,
i think you somehow intuitively know that i need you right now. when i couldn't stop crying yesterday you wouldn't leave my side. thank you for sleeping by my feet, and sitting with me on the deck. thank you for listening and offering nothing but unconditional love in return. well, sometimes it's conditional on food, but everyone has their vices. thank you for being exactly what i need right now even though we never really bonded before. we've bonded now. so thanks. or in terms you might better understand: good boy. good dog.

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January 2013

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