notesinblue (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
notesinblue) wrote2006-06-03 02:36 am
notesinblue) wrote2006-06-03 02:36 am
Entry tags:
birthday surprise
it was a hit in the gut. i knew she existed. i knew she would be there. but i wasn't ready for it. i was weak, tired, and emotionally drained. i thought i was over it. but i couldn't handle it. not today. maybe not ever. i couldn't handle meeting his girlfriend. playing his games.
watching them hold hands next to the apples, fingers laced together unconsciously. the way they talked, touched. the fact that i knew her before we were introduced - a half remembered classmate in a class i resented. i wanted to backhand her in the checkout lane. i've never been jealous like that in my whole life. never. but watching them together, all while my ex stood a few feet away, out of reach. it was too painful. it welled up in me until i thought i would vomit up bile. so i left. i made an excuse and i left. but before i did he pulled me close in an embrace. held me tight. ran his hands up and down my back and said he missed me. kissed my cheek, a lingering kiss where his slightly scratchy cheek rubbed against mine. he gave me that parting kiss and i bolted.
i cried the whole way home. once i started i couldn't stop. i cried so hard i couldn't see the road, just blurry headlights and wavering double yellows. i cried so hard i really did spit up bile. i cried so hard i thought i would shake apart. i cried like the world had fallen apart. and it had. at least a part of it. and when i got home the house was empty and i thought i would cry until i died. so i called the only person i thought might understand. she was ill. i felt bad that she was ill and i hadn't known. i felt even worse that i needed to lean on her, just for a few hours, until i could glue myself back together. but she understood. and she insisted i let her. so i did. i went back out, turned up on her doorstep, and sat by her, crumbling. and she held me together. and i am so grateful. even empty and raw as i am, i'm grateful. because thank god, thank god, i have a friend who can look me in the eye and tell me that days like this would make her cry too.
watching them hold hands next to the apples, fingers laced together unconsciously. the way they talked, touched. the fact that i knew her before we were introduced - a half remembered classmate in a class i resented. i wanted to backhand her in the checkout lane. i've never been jealous like that in my whole life. never. but watching them together, all while my ex stood a few feet away, out of reach. it was too painful. it welled up in me until i thought i would vomit up bile. so i left. i made an excuse and i left. but before i did he pulled me close in an embrace. held me tight. ran his hands up and down my back and said he missed me. kissed my cheek, a lingering kiss where his slightly scratchy cheek rubbed against mine. he gave me that parting kiss and i bolted.
i cried the whole way home. once i started i couldn't stop. i cried so hard i couldn't see the road, just blurry headlights and wavering double yellows. i cried so hard i really did spit up bile. i cried so hard i thought i would shake apart. i cried like the world had fallen apart. and it had. at least a part of it. and when i got home the house was empty and i thought i would cry until i died. so i called the only person i thought might understand. she was ill. i felt bad that she was ill and i hadn't known. i felt even worse that i needed to lean on her, just for a few hours, until i could glue myself back together. but she understood. and she insisted i let her. so i did. i went back out, turned up on her doorstep, and sat by her, crumbling. and she held me together. and i am so grateful. even empty and raw as i am, i'm grateful. because thank god, thank god, i have a friend who can look me in the eye and tell me that days like this would make her cry too.