Musings in the Key of Blue

all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.

it seems worth noting that it's been the better part of a week and i'm still anxiety free. i just finished cleaning the loft and i'm laying on the loveseat watching a couple candles burn down. i was going to watch tv, or read a book, but i'm bored with those ideas. i'm not sure what i want to do, but i'm pretty sure i'm too tired to figure it out.

i was trying to remember the last time i danced with someone, and i can't. the last time i even felt skin beneath my fingertips, or hair between my fingers, was the summer before last. the prince of wands. i haven't spoken to him since june. in a way i hate him more than the emperor. the emperor is insane, what's the prince's damn excuse? idiocy i suppose. not really the point though. the point is i'm afraid i've lost my sense of touch. or the ability to be close to another human being on a physical level. i lay in my bed alone every night, and it rarely bothers me anymore. i can't decide if that's a good thing, or if my passion is drying up and wilting. i don't want to see anyone right now. but i wouldn't mind a little closeness. just so i can remember what it's like to feel.

i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been. sure, there have been times when i've felt very alone, but they haven't been as frequent as i had feared. in fact, i've been pretty together and happy. especially considering the contact i've had with the emperor. his last letter accused me of being greedy, backstabbing, manipulative, and all around awful. it ended with "good-bye". it made me feel sick. and then i moved on. at least, as much as i could.

i stayed home for the fourth tonight. the princess of disks came up and we had a great day. we went for a walk, played in the rain, snapped photos, pet the dog, chatted, ate cookies, and watched Buffy. it was healing, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. part of me feels strange knowing that i missed out on festivities down in town, that things proceeded without me, but i didn't want to see him. or his slut. or the prince. or any of them really.

the wounds are rawest on holidays. there are too many memories that bubble to the surface. i find myself unable to escape a decade of memories, each and every fourth of july, halloween, new years, what have you...all of them playing in an endless loop inside my tireless brain. i didn't want to subject myself to it. so i stayed here and had a great day. but now i'm left wondering: what did i miss? was *i* missed? did they talk about me? did they have a good time? what did they do? part of me is slightly bitter that no one called, especially the prince. but i'm relieved at the same time. my emotions confuse me, but i try to acknowledge them all the same.

i'm not sure why i'm writing all of this. i had intended to write about my day. my week. or possibly to rant about the letter the emperor sent, and post my response. the response i've decided not to send. i wrote it, but i didn't send it. he doesn't get any more words from me. not even angry ones. none. not anymore. and that's a tragedy. i loved him more than anyone or anything, and now we'll probably never share a kind word with one another again. it breaks my heart. it was so needless. it *is* so needless. but it's done. he's broken things beyond repair. no amount of apologies can mend it at this point, and he wouldn't offer them anyway.

we'll never share another fourth of july. never again will we smile at one another as fireworks ignite the sky. we'll never rebuild our bonds. this was the first of many fourths without him. and it leaves me feeling blue. but not undone. i'm not obliterated, frightened, or lost. i'm not even angry. i just feel sad. a gentle sadness, like soft rain through trees. this too will pass. but now i take a moment to reflect on this passing. i contemplate the loss before laying it to rest. he said good-bye to me. now it's my turn to say good-bye to him.

the letter i just sent to the prince of wands sums it up pretty well. i don't have strength to write anymore.


R -

I'm still not sure if I can type the words, but I want to try. I need to talk to someone about this and I really really need someone to understand and believe me. I'm going out on a limb here, and I need you to truly believe what I am going to tell you. I need your support and understanding. I can't stress it enough, how important this is to me. Part of me is afraid to talk to you about this, but you're one of my very dearest friends. So I'm going to trust you, as I would hope you would trust me were our roles reversed.

I should start by telling you that up until the 1st, when everything fell apart, I was doing well. I wasn't exploding with joy, but I was starting to feel sane again. It was amazing. The anxiety (which I never talk about, but has been debilitating) that I had been suffering from for nearly two years, was all but gone. I was sleeping, smiling, and even laughing again. I was starting to feel like myself again. And then everything was blown apart.

He didn't want me to tell you about it, but if I'm going to talk to you about this there is no way around it. Were you here you would have found out anyway, I have no doubt. I don't want to betray his confidence, I really don't. But like I said, I need to talk to someone. So please understand how sensitive all of this is and don't mention it, especially to him. He doesn't want you to worry. Nor do I. I just need your friendship right now. God I'm babbling. I'm sorry. This is just really hard for me to accept, and writing it out makes it real. *takes a deep breath*

Okay, here's the thing... when J came home from Hawaii he was back to his moody, depressive, and mean ways. I'm certain you know what I'm talking about. I'm not sure why he was so bad, but he was more cruel than usual. (more on that later) I've been seeing him on Tuesdays and Thursdays for lunch, and through much effort on my behalf we had been getting along. I had strong hopes that we could be friends, and I worked very very hard to that ends. Harder than I've ever worked before, even when he made it very difficult.

Then I got a phone call from S on Sunday night, the 1st, telling me that he was in Mountaincrest. He had been suicidal and she did what I had been afraid to do in the past, she had him taken in. He was alright (he still is), but they were keeping him for three days. And he was angry about it.

Naturally I was freaked and very upset. The thought of him dying was... It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I visited him every day he was there, and was super supportive and kind. I was the best friend I could be, as he deserved. I dropped everything, including class, to be Wonderwoman. And my anxiety came back, I couldn't sleep or eat. I was so shaken by his attempt, but at the same time I was really glad he was alright and getting some help. I was frightened but hopeful. And then he got out last Thursday.

Here is the part I really really need you to understand and believe, and also to not repeat, especially to Jason. It would be beyond horrible if this got back to him in this form. It's really important that he does not have this conversation with anyone for awhile. He needs to come to his own conclusions, and examine things from inside. Otherwise he will lash out, become stubborn, and be destructive to me and whomever brings it up. And it really isn't about choosing sides, so please don't feel like that's my intent. It's not. I haven't spoken to anyone (aside from my folks) since Thursday, and I have been a wreck. I haven't been to school or even read LJ. I feel as though my heart has been torn out - that's why I'm telling you this.

When I saw him on Thursday he tore me apart. Deliberately and carefully.
He told me that his depression was in large part my fault. That I was to blame for his suicidal wishes. That I needed to think long and hard about how to fix him. That I've never given a damn about him, all I've ever cared about was his money. That I'm a bad friend. That I've never tried. That I only care about my self. That I'm too wrapped up in myself to care about him, or do anything for him. And he went on and on. I was obliterated. I swear, and I would hope that you already know, none of it could have been further from the truth. And here is the thing I need you to believe and understand: he has done this in varying degrees for a long long time.

J is emotionally abusive to me. God...I can't even say it out loud. It's too horrible. I wish I could tell you how hard this is to admit. I'm so embarrassed and deeply hurt. I don't want you to think ill of him, that's not why I'm telling you this. Lord help me, but I don't think ill of him. I still love him and care about him. I would still do anything in the world for him. But in that moment I had to face the cold hard fact that my relationship with him is highly abusive. It's been killing me (I'm not being melodramatic, my doctor has been beyond concerned about my health), and it was that sort of abuse that led to me leaving the house last October. And so, after some counseling, I told him that it would be better for both of us (and I really believe this) if we no longer saw each other, at least for a while.

I miss him so much. So so much. He's been my best friend for nearly as long as you've known me. But I know that as long as I let him use me as an emotional punching bag he will stay sick and I will continue to stay a wreck. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it out of great love. I did it out of hopes that he'll get better, and out of friendship. I care so much about his happiness and well-being. It's the truth, but he'll never believe it. I need you to believe it though.

And I need you to believe that for the past few years, when I've said that everything was alright, and I've defended him, and I've pretended that all was well... it wasn't. I've been covering up how bad things were, because I didn't want to admit it. I've been hiding things from my friends, and myself. I never told anyone. And now that I've finally faced things I need someone to believe me. I'm so afraid that no one will believe me. I can't explain why it's so vital that they do, that you do, I only know that I need to be heard and believed. I have no visible bruises, but the emotional ones are severe. I've been hurting for a long time in silence. And now I need the ones I love to know the truth.

Right now I'm feeling very alone and confused. It's hard not to pick up the phone and call him, but I know that I can't. Acknowledging how bad things were has blasted me apart. All this time I've been fighting to keep him in my life and to build a friendship with him, but all the while he has continued to hurt me. So long as I leave myself open to him, he will continue to do so. I don't think he can help it. Maybe one day we can be friends again. I hope for that so much. But right now it's out of reach. I'm worried about him. I'm scared that I've left him vulnerable. But I've been assured that this is the best way to help him, and I believe it. And it's also the best way to help me. Although lately I feel beyond help. I know I'm not, but I feel that way.

I don't know if I've worded any of this well. Sleep, food, and well put together thought processes have all eluded me lately. I don't even know if I should send this. I don't want you to worry, or to misunderstand. And like I said, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. And I'm not sure if sending this to you will help me heal or send me deeper. Please tell me that you believe me, that you're still my friend, that I will survive this. We both love J, I'm certain, but I need you see what I see - That he's very sick, and that he's been hurting me. I don't want you to turn away from him, quite the opposite, but my god I need someone to understand how badly he's injured me. It's not a normal case where you hear both sides of the story and meet somewhere in the middle. He's been lying about me, because he believes the lies he says. And I've believed them for too long as well. So please trust me R. Please believe me. Please be my friend right now, because I swear to god, I'm very much in need right now. More than I ever have been. I don't think I've ever needed understanding and a hug as much as I do right now.

Your dear friend, T

first of all, here are a couple memes:

You Are 40% Feminine, 60% Masculine

You are in touch with your masculine side. You are not overly sensitive and not easily moved. Occasionally, though, something will get through and touch your heart!

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

i find it interesting that they both say the same thing in different words.

in other news i'm feeling very 'over' everyone today. the princess of cups, the emperor, and even the prince of wands. i didn't even bother to call the emperor and ask about his trip when he came home two nights ago. i think i'm ready to move on, and away, from all of them. i hope it lasts.

today is the last day of spring break and i still have two papers to write. but bugger me if i'd rather sit on the deck and soak up the last few hours of relaxation until May. i think i've earned it.

sometimes it's what isn't said that says the most. scratch that. often it's what isn't said that says the most. i've been reminded of this a lot as of late. today i was reminded while checking my inbox.

Miss you,
R

when you write someone a three page letter, pour your heart out onto the page, and get back only three little words (and not THE three little words i might add), it speaks volumes. at least now i know where i stand. honestly it's kind of a relief.

can't sleep - clowns will eat me.


initiating brain dump in three, two, one...

i have more than one song stuck in my head at the same time. the score from the Vice movie is fighting with numerous dance hits. right now it's Filthy Gorgeous vs. Strict Machine. i think the Scissor Sisters will win, 'cause hey, they have scissors and Goldfrapp just has disco. maybe i'll squash them both and listen to the blues.

the scene in the Vice movie where they salsa dance is the single-most sexy thing i have ever seen. period. and i've seen some sexy shit.

i want to watch more American Gothic. but there isn't anymore. it was canceled over ten years ago. fuckers. i'm not sure what pisses me off more: that the show got the axe, or that they dismissed my favorite character halfway through. right now i'm leaning toward the later. at least he got locked in a looney bin. most people would consider that a bad thing, but i consider it ten shades of awesome. it was fitting. i know i for one would probably end up in a rubber room if i accidentally killed my family and the devil was my arch-nemesis. i think i'm going to convert good ol' Doc Crower for game. i need a new character and he speaks to me (which says quite a bit, probably none of it good).

i've been angry lately. really angry. which seems like an improvement over depression or anxiety. still, i'm a bit concerned that i'll break someones face when i rejoin society on Tuesday. all it will take is someone saying something about how grand the weather is. or how fantastic the president's new Iraq plan is. or how rich, happy, in love, whatever they are. or anything really. "hi. i just looove American Idol, don't you?" pow! crunch! "sorry about your nose, pal." maybe i should just wear dark glasses and a hat so no one speaks to me. might be for the best. not that it will save me from stupid meet and greet name game BS. fucking liberal arts profs. and i want to join their ranks? bwahaha. i can't decide if that's funny or sad. doesn't that make it a parody? somehow i've become a satire.

i wonder who would play me if my life became a movie. Jake Weber comes to mind, but only because i've got AG on the brain. he's not right. not by a long shot. oddly enough, quite a few actors spring to mind, but not a single actresses. typical.

i really need to cut my hair. it's pissing me off. the question is, how long? or rather, how short? my father said i looked like a giraffe when i wore my hair short. gee. thanks. this is me not caring and taking scissors to my head anyway.

15 credits in one day, ten hours, forty-seven minutes. i'd say more, but i'd rather not give it any more attention today. god knows it will have plenty over the next few months.

it's cold. the pipes in my bathroom are frozen. i miss showering downstairs. at night. in a room with working heat. christ. negative fifteen degrees and five feet of snow. i wasn't kidding when i mentioned an ice age. we'll see how funny everyone thinks it is in ten years. haha. no, you can't borrow my parka. shouldn't have laughed at me when i was talking about global warming trends, ass. that'll learn 'em. see - told you i was angry.

the prince of disk's book is really amateur. untrained, shaky, and executed with the finesse of a sitcom writer trying their hand at greek tragedy. but buried in there, he has something. i mean, he really may have something. which is pretty damn cool for a first attempt. now it's just a matter of whether or not he has the patience and ability to chop and polish until it's more diamond than coal. it's worlds better than the queen of sword's first nano attempt. let's just hope he can take constructive criticism for once. i held up my end of the bargain - now it's his turn. if only i had time to work on my books. meh. i'll make time. eventually. i know what my priorities are, even if i am a procrastinating, self-critical fuck right now. it'll pass. all i need is a good pair of sunglasses and a smoke. not sure why, but i'm dead certain both would help the process more than is rational.

i got approved for my financial aid. 6k of federal casheesh. yay. it made my day. i was grinnin' like a monkey. then i looked at how long i'll be paying off my loans and the shine came right off. to regain a slice of joy i'm buying a goddamn digital camera. i've wanted one for a long long time and there's no time like the present. besides, why borrow money if you aren't going to enjoy it at least a little? debt is supposed to be fun, right? right? err...yeah. so watch as i blow cash on shit i don't need. whoosh. click.

i lost my ring shoveling snow. the next day my finger turned red where the band used to be, as if in angry protest. it's still red. it looks like a burn. i can't explain it, nor can my parents. all i can think is that my skin is expressing my displeasure for me, since i seem to be incapable of mourning another loss right now. somehow i think i would miss the ring less if my eye wasn't drawn to the redness, or if my thumb didn't keep looking for the missing silver. my body keeps reminding my mind. my heart has yet to get the memo.

*sings Choke by Hybrid* i miss dancing. i miss driving. i miss driving fast around the reservoir singing at the top of my lungs. sixty miles an hour, tires straining on the blacktop. praying, praying a deer doesn't come smashing through my windshield, filling my open mouth with glass. yeah. i miss that. the slippery crawl of icebound roads isn't quite exhilarating in the same way. not by a long shot.

the tealights are winking out. one by one. i'm down to one, nestled deep within the belly of a faceless copper bird. that distinct tang of smoke keeps filling the air as they run out of fuel and die of sputtering hunger. fire. heat. smoke. light. i wish i had thrown more logs in the woodstove before coming up here. it's cold. baby, it's cold outside. and so am i.

unsent letters... ever since that strange girl i once knew told me about them, i find myself composing them on occasion. the idea was like a virus. contagious. fortunately i'm not afflicted all that often. so here is a december installment, brought on by a sudden outbreak.


dear prince of wands,
what i didn't write in the letter, but really wanted to, was: do you miss me? are you looking forward to seeing me again? do you think about me from time to time? or should i forget about you as you may have forgotten about me?

dear king of disks,
why are we having lunch tomorrow? yeah, we're friends, but why are we really getting together? i've known you for nine years and we've never gone out to lunch. so tell me - what should i expect? what do you expect?

dear emperor,
i missed you today. it hurt, very deeply, and came out of the blue. but that's not the remarkable part. the remarkable part is that in missing you today i realized that i hadn't yesterday. either i'm finally healing thanks to your charming behavior, or i'm getting really really good at being detached and numb.

dear queen of wands,
i'm not surprised you're fucking him. not really. but honestly, truly, i don't think i could hate you more. emotions this strong are reserved for those you once truly loved. think about. and if the emperor gives you my number, don't call it. and if he invites you over when i'm there, don't show. 'cause, babe, i will choke the life out of you with my bare freaking hands. and you, who has looked into my heart in the past, should know that i'm dead serious.

dear prince of swords,
i'm really glad you called. i was stunned at how glad i was. i've missed you. and rather than being sore because you haven't been around, i find myself happy that you picked up the phone and called me for the first time since i moved away. please visit me before the year is over. please make things somewhat normal again by being my friend the way you used to be.

dear empress,
i'm sorry i haven't called. it's just, you scare me sometimes. you remind me a little of her, and with her shitting where i just slept she's on my mind. that and i know he's poisoned you against me to an extent. i don't blame you. he calls you back and i don't. he's charming and tells all, and i don't. but please, don't believe everything he says. he lies and he's delusional. and please, don't stick a sword through my back like she did. be different. be better.

dear princess of cups,
i miss you. i miss you and i feel left behind. it's not your fault. i'm not angry, except for possibly at myself. i haven't been around and you've had to fill up the hole i left. you've made new friends and kept busy. and i'm not a part of it. i picked up and left you all alone, and now i'm sad because i know you've moved on. i hate that in leaving him i might have broken things. i hate even more that i'm too weak to fix them properly right now. i just hope that you'll still be there, if even a little, when i come crawling home.

dear king of cups,
you really hurt me yesterday. badly. and i know you know it. things were stiff, uncomfortable, today. i'm not angry, just hurt. if you're actually sorry, and you want to make it better, just do what you're so good at - pretend nothing happened. i want to forget about it even more than you do. trust me on this one.

dear jasper,
i think you somehow intuitively know that i need you right now. when i couldn't stop crying yesterday you wouldn't leave my side. thank you for sleeping by my feet, and sitting with me on the deck. thank you for listening and offering nothing but unconditional love in return. well, sometimes it's conditional on food, but everyone has their vices. thank you for being exactly what i need right now even though we never really bonded before. we've bonded now. so thanks. or in terms you might better understand: good boy. good dog.

it wasn't a long conversation, nor was it short. it was good hearing your voice. the way you place your inflections, pose questions, mispronounce, tell stories, and laugh. i miss it already, your voice. it will most likely be well into next year before i hear it again. you're mailing your phone home tomorrow morning, before you hop on your plane and head across the pond. one of the first things you said, after hello & i had good timing, was that you were going to call me this evening. you were glad to hear from me. genuinely glad. and i was glad to hear you smile, even though i couldn't see it.

we caught up as much as we could. so much has already happened in just the short time you've been gone. i can't imagine how much more will happen before we talk again. yet it wasn't awkward, or painful. true, i cried after i hung up. i miss you. but what brought the tears wasn't longing so much as a release of pressure.

the conversation was ending and i could feel myself wanting, more than anything, for you to tell me you loved me. it was a romantic yearning, a fantasy. the kind i often have. it's things like this that have led to years consistent disappointment with the emperor. i honestly didn't think you would say it. so i decided i wouldn't say it either, no matter how much i wanted to. and i made a decision not to let it's absence trouble me. but then your voice became softer, more serious, and i was surprised. i could feel my breath stick in my throat and my heart change rhythms. maybe... just maybe...

Hold down the fort while I'm away.
*light laugh* i'll do what i can.
And take care of yourself.
i will. you too, okay?
I'll do my best. *pause* Hey...
yeah?
I love you.
i love you too.


i'll try not to forget, over-think, or doubt.
godspeed my sweet.
until next spring.

i find myself missing the prince a lot this evening. maybe it was the music i was listening too, or the tv that was on. maybe it was just my heart. no matter the reason, i checked his journal and found that he had updated. the following picture was posted and it made me miss him terribly. i like the way he sees the world. it never ceases to intrigue and captivate me. i find myself wondering if he misses me at all. if he misses the way i see the world, or how i run my thumb across his knuckles when i hold his hand. selfish as it may be, i hope he does.

i had a very vivid dream last night that he visited me in my sleep. it was realistic enough that it made me wonder if it had been real, if he dreamed it too. maybe we really did see each other last night, our unconscious minds meeting up for a quiet stroll. true or not i find myself thinking of him. i wish i knew for certain how he felt, or what the future might hold. i don't want to wait for someone who isn't coming back, or doesn't want me. but i'm not sure i can help it. i suppose time is the only one who can say for certain, and time always keeps his secrets until the end of the game. for now i will turn out the lights, go to sleep, and hope i catch a glimpse of him again. he's on his way to Niagara Falls today. perhaps i will visit him there, overlooking the raw ferocity of water as it fights itself, gravity, and stone. as it spills forth, crashing outward and flooding into deep pools. as it pours out in an endless wave. it seems fitting - my own emotions resemble a waterfall more and more often these days.