Musings in the Key of Blue

i swore i'd never be the person who reposted other people's entries, but this is for me and one other:

I'm really wondering if this whole WG thing has caused me to lose two friends. Ever since i left the Rorschach Project, i have heard nothing from them. No livejournal comments, no emails, no phone calls. I haven't even run into them on WOW.
Its been over a month and I wonder if i'm pariah now, or if they've just been busy. I wonder if they haven't called because i haven't called. I don't know what to do. I fear that calling them will just confirm my ostracization. I mean, i guess it's ok if they don't want me in their lives anymore. It just would have been nice to be able to say goodbye.
Maybe i've pissed them off, made enemies of too many of their friends.
Maybe i'm just a social reject.
Whatever the case, i would have been nice to know.
Now i'm in a limbo, and i'm not really sure what to do.
-NM
I Feel...: disappointed

i almost feel guilty now. except that she hasn't left me any comments, emails, or phone calls either. it was her decisions and attitudes that brought her to this place. and then there is the fact that she posted this where i could see it. was it an accident or a passive aggressive ploy? i did see it the moment she posted, and perhaps she has since gone back and changed the security. hard to say. i must admit i find it interesting. i also find the comments she is receiving interesting. i can't help but wonder, does she really mourn the loss of us, or does she just want sympathy and the moral high ground? i wish i knew. it affects whether or not i will bother to respond.

EDIT (one day later): it's still visible, which means she wants me to see it. i've yet to decide whether or not to respond.

i can't do this anymore.

it's not because i'm in a hurry.
it's not because i'm stubborn.
it's not because i'm blocked.
it's not because i'm unwilling to put in the work.
it's not because i can't or won't re-imagine and change things.
it's not because i backpedal or flee when the going gets tough.
it's because i'm miserable.

i haven't been sleeping.
every time i eat my stomach turns sour.
i spend all my time trying not to think about it,
and when my distractions falter i break down.

this used to be my passion, my greatest accomplishment.
it was the answer to a question i didn't realize i asked.
it used to lift me up. it filled in the empty spots, made me whole.
when i thought i lost everything it gave me new focus and hope.
now it's dragging me down. tearing me open. killing me.

and i wish to god i could live without ever lifting a pen again.
i'd burn it all. tear it to pieces. shred it apart and bury it.
every last story, chapter, paragraph, sentence, word, syllable.
perhaps that was what the universe was trying to tell me
when every pen in my bag, some quite sentimental, vanished without a trace.
pack it in.
give up.
cease.
desist.
halt.
stop.
quit.