notesinblue | Entries tagged with the emperor

all these years later it is worth noting that i am okay. i'm not sunshine and roses all the time, but i've finally overcome my Depression and Anxiety. therapy and lots of hard work. i've come such a long way. reading back through some of this reminds me of just how very far it has been.

the Hanged Man and i are still together, and far better and stronger than we were last i wrote. a year apart brought us back together strong as iron. all of the old issues are ancient history. now our only issue is not having the cash to get an apartment together.

the prince of swords is no longer my best friend. in fact, he's not even a friend. once i grew some self-esteem we fell apart. the princess of disks, however, has never been more true and wonderful.

today was the first time i have thought about the prince of wands in a long time. in fact, it was the reason i ended up over here. wandering through the old wounds. in many ways his betrayal was the worst, and still hurts the most. thankfully i rarely think of him.

after six years of legal BS, i finally freed myself from the emperor. to the best of my knowledge he moved out of state. i'm not afraid anymore. it's amazing.

my mom, however, (the queen of disks as i tag her) is still a right pain in my ass. but some things never change.

Current Mood: okay
Current Location: town

ok self. you've been consumed with anxiety this past week to the point where it feel like your heart has been ripped out. this is not okay. so here's what we are going to try tonight: write until something pulls loose or you feel better. now go.

i'm afraid and it all started with the hanged man. which makes me worry that it has to do with him. did he simply trigger it or is this a warning sign? i feel like it's the former but i'm petrified that it may be the second. what if i'm fooling myself? what if it's all a lie? what if i don't love him? i can't ask myself these questions without breaking into a sweat. which, again, worries me. when i think about it all logically i can see no problem though. i'm scared that i can no longer answer with confidence when i ask myself if i love him. do i love him or do i love what he does for me, what he represents? why wouldn't i love him? he's everything i want and need. ok, setting that aside for a moment, what if i don't? is that what's scaring me? maybe. i stand to lose a lot. or do i? yes, i stand to lose another new shiny future all built perfectly in my head in addition to losing him and being wrong. i really don't want to be wrong. i said he was the one and i can't take that back. can i? i don't know. this isn't making me feel any better though. am i mad at him? do i want to be away from him? my heart aches when i think that, but i don't know what that means. maybe i'm afraid i *should* get away from him and i know i don't want to, like with the emperor. maybe i'm afraid i'm going down the same road, and i'm going to be hurt. i do have the same trapped feeling. but that doesn't seem right either. lets try this, how would life be better without him? well, i'd have more free time. i'd have more time for me. i miss me. i feel like i never get time to be alone and just sit and think. i can't remember the last time i went out alone. but i could do that anyway. i already told him i wanted space and i have it. i don't feel better. i felt just as sick about coming home as i did going down to be with him. when i think about getting up tomorrow and spending all day here i feel ill. i likewise feel ill when i think about going down. either way i feel a rush of anxiety. so where do i want to be. a voice inside my head keeps saying "home". well we've been over this. there's no suck place. and typing that makes me sad, like i want to cry. home is gone. the wetlands, my house, my husband...all gone. i miss him. i don't know why all of a sudden but i do. i miss him so much and i don't know why. it's like he just left. i can feel his absence like a hole where my heart was. the hanged man is not him, for better or worse, and i didn't think i wanted him to be but maybe a part of me does. i miss J. there i said it. i miss him.

and now the tears have come. so many of them and they're coming from a place of grief, not fear. i thought i was done with this but i guess i still was holding on to something. in this moment i just miss him so much. and that may be the hanged man's only fault: he's not the emperor. he's so different, and mostly for the better, but he's not him. and now the anxiety is back. unexpected. i thought the tears were an indication that i had popped out a cork. but it looks like i'm wrong. there is something going on in my head and it has to do with the hanged man. do i want to leave him? do you want to leave him, T? if you could, would you leave him and run back to the emperor? a little voice in my head said yes and another recoiled and screamed no. conflicted. so which is it? who would you pick, the emperor or the hanged man? my instincts pull me toward the emperor. i miss him. my head tells me the hanged man. my heart...i can't tell. i can't tell where my heart is. i know that the emperor is gone forever no matter what choice my heart makes right this instant. but if i don't pick the hanged man i don't know if i should stay with him. he's not a surrogate. i love spending time with him. when i get upset it's because i look deep into his eyes and what, see it's not the emperor? was i pretending he was the emperor? he's better. a voice in my head cries out "no he's not!", but yes, yes he is. i feel like i'm fighting with myself. a battle is raging between my old self and the person i'm trying to become. i want to talk to someone about this without having to reassure them that i love the hanged man, because what if i don't? and that thought makes me feel sick, which again i don't know how to read. every time i ask myself if i love him i feel sick. you'd think that would mean no, but that's not always the case with me. am i rationalizing? do i not love him? god i feel ill. i also feel certain that i did love him before all of this happened, which leads me to believe that i still do.

i want to go home.

i keep almost calling the hanged man by the emperor's name. that feels important. it's been popping up a lot lately. let's go back a moment. let's go back to the grief if we can. ... i miss him. he's gone. and maybe he's not a monster. maybe he was the love of my life and he's gone. but that doesn't feel right. that makes me feel just as ill. i don't want this. any of it. when i picture the hanged man in my head my heart aches. it feels like i've lost him somehow. but i haven't. did i lose the illusion of him? what is it that makes my heart hurt so badly? what's going on with me? i'm going to go sit and think a little - this doesn't seem to be helping.

Current Mood: awful
Current Location: the forest

i'm blue. it's odd, i wasn't that upset when i left court today for once. but the past few hours i've been trying to play a video game to keep my mind off of things and it hasn't worked. not at all. i finally gave up. i think i figured out what's nagging at me, aside from all of the obvious.

today i sat in front of a room full of people and admitted that i'm afraid of the emperor. and that i never want to see him again under any circumstances.

and it's true. ... isn't it? it's true that i don't want him anywhere near me. that i'm fucking terrified of him. even that i was truly frightened walking out of the courthouse that he'd shoot me dead on the steps, even though he doesn't own a gun. i'm more afraid of him than i have been of anyone. he's unstable, cruel, and as emotionally destructive as an A bomb. and i don't want him in my life. at all.

and yet, it makes me sad.

i thought i was done mourning him. i truly did. i haven't missed him in months. i've felt very ready to be free of him. in fact, i've longed for it. but here i am, thinking about never seeing him again, about cutting him totally from my life, and i don't feel relieved or glad. i feel fucking awful. it was the look he had on his face. throughout all of this all i've seen is malice and hatred. but for an instant i saw it: he was hurt. after every thing he has said and done, i finally got to see a glimmer of the man i once loved under all of it. and i think, for a split second, he was sorry.

and it doesn't mean anything.

as soon as i wrote that i just wept stronger and deeper tears than i have in a long time. it was like the ocean pouring out of me for about five minutes. then i got up, blew my nose and dried my tears, pitched the kleenex in the fire and returned to the keys, where i am now, no longer feeling the same sick feeling and instead just feeling tired and somewhat sad.

it doesn't make a difference that he was wounded, or perhaps sorry. it doesn't matter. it's far too late to mean anything. he is no longer a part of my life, and he never will be again.

i've said all of this before, and i've known it for a while, but i think i just finally knew it in my heart today. and it hurts. it hurts to know that the person i loved, wanted to spend my life with, *did* spend twelve years with, is gone. in many ways that man was murdered by the insanity that overtook him. the man i married is dead, and he is never coming back. only the sickness remains. we will never have a tentative conversation in a coffeeshop in a year or so. there won't be a half-smile, then another in return, across a room. we won't talk a bit during a party. and we won't mend our fences very slowly over the years so that one day, many years from now, we are family again.

i feel hollow when i write it all. like maybe, perhaps, there is still a chance. and i hate that i cling to that on some level while the rest of me spends hours on end praying for him to leave the country and never return. i don't know why i would ever even want to have him in my life again, if even for a day. he has been a toxin, slowly killing me, for years. why would i ever want to recapture that? because i want to be loved? because i don't want the past twelve years of my life to be nothing but a horrible mistake? no. it's something else. it's because i don't want that person to be gone.

i loved him for a reason. and i don't want him to be gone forever. no one who loses a loved one wants that. i bet they fantasize about seeing them one day on a crowded street too. except that fantasy is much more obviously just that: a fantasy. my fantasy is more mundane, but just as impossible. the whole thing is exhausting beyond measure. i truly thought i'd be relieved equally beyond measure, and i'm disappointed that instead i feel loss for something that has been gone for a long time. i'm tired of grieving for him. i don't want him back. i suppose part of me just wishes for the power of resurrection because i miss the man he was. even while i hate the man he is.

i hope this is the end of my mourning. i hope this was the last step. it feels like it, but it has before. still, this time it's a bit different. this time i said it outloud. in his presence.

"i never, under any circumstances, want any contact with him again."

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: The wind through pines

in twelve hours i will be in the courthouse facing down one of the most agonizing events of my life: my divorce. it's taken a long time to get here. fifteen months since i left. eleven since divorce was proposed. eight since we filed. five since i hired the lawyer and we had our first temporary orders hearing. one since our last hearing. can't believe it's taken this long to get to final orders. and even after all this time, will it actually be over tomorrow? will i finally be free? i want to believe i will be, but my gut tells me there will be more.

i'm trying to be strong, to not be afraid. the anxiety is intensified knowing that i'll have to hear the queen of wands spout slander about me, as with the emperor himself and his puppet. then there is taking the stand myself and undergoing the bombardment from the emperor's morally bankrupt sleazeball lawyer. i never really got lawyer jokes until i met this man. waste of carbon doesn't cover it. more like the corruption and defilement of carbon.

i'm worried about the settlement. i'm worried i'll lose. everyone else seems so damn sure, beyond optimistic, and i'm trying to see it, but i don't. i'm worried that all this pain and suffering will be for nothing. but i can't afford to think like that. i need to relax. to believe. to believe in myself, my decisions, my attorney, and the law. to believe that no matter what happens tomorrow i will survive it and i will continue to go forward. to believe in my own strength, resilience, and power. and to believe that not only can i do this, but that i can do it and succeed. because i have to.

there is no sense in worrying about the inevitable. tomorrow will come, and i will go to court, and it will be awful, and i will come home. that's that. nothing more, nothing less. and if i'm very very lucky i will get my ruling swiftly and it will be favorable. right now i just need to breathe in, and breathe out. in, and out. and to try my best to fall asleep. when i wake up i'll be in the thick of it. and this time tomorrow it will be another bad day behind me instead of in front of me.

i can do this. i am able to do this. i am capable of doing this. and i will do this.
because it's time to do this. and i am ready.

it's time to end the emperor's long reign.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: i'm trying to remember all the words to "I will survive"

i'm watching Lost in another tiny window. my interest has somewhat waned, but i don't think it's the fault of the show. i feel somewhat discontent. i think it's because my vacation is nearly over and i haven't done a damn thing. i still have plenty i'd like to do, but time is short. worse, court is creeping closer and i have such a sick feeling in my stomach everytime i think about it, it's unreal. i want to be done, but i no longer believe this will be the end. there will be more. sometimes i'm afraid it will never be done, that i will be trapped in this cycle of hell forever. of course i know it's not true. one day it will be over. i just wish i knew that day was going to be soon.

lord am i tired of writing that over and over again. the same shit, just a different day. if only there was something i could do about it. i suppose i could try to focus on something else, like all those things i want to do that i mentioned. maybe i could write a list. hmm. okay. let's try it. who knows, maybe it will invigorate me. i could use some inspiration right about now.

~~finish watching Lost~~
~~take down X-mas decorations~~
~~cook up a story for monday~~
start the travel journal
edit
finish reading fortune
happiness scrapbook
~~photoblog~~ (ongoing)
~~register~~
clean and decorate the loft
~~play a game~~ (Shadow Hearts, ongoing)
~~mix two/three supernatural playlists~~
~~burn disks for friends~~
get things ready for next semester
call dentist

Current Mood: discontent
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: season three of Lost

i've had a sick feeling in my gut since yesterday afternoon. i started out the year so optimistic, but now i feel quite the opposite. i think the emperor must be concentrating on me pretty hard - i feel as though the evil eye is fixed upon me. divorce fears actually woke me up this morning, pulled me right out of sleep. i feel as though i personally am on trial, instead of this being a divorce. i'm tired of my character being attacked, hell, of me being attacked.

the emperor has submitted his evidence list and it's all designed to tear out my throat. it most likely won't do much to help his case, but it will be awful. i'm starting to fear that this will never be done. that even if final orders are handed down on the 17th that i'll be dealing with him for months and months afterwards. he didn't honor the temporary orders, why would final ones be different? if i'm awarded money he won't pay it. if i'm awarded property he won't release it. the house is going into foreclosure and the attorney's fees keep piling up. he is hell bent on bankrupting me and i see no defense against it. i'm worried i may have to leave the university with only one semester left to go. i just feel so trapped. i feel the way i did when i was still with him - a slave to his malice and control.

i'm just so damn tired of all of this. i've never been one to regret. i believe that i am who i am only because of how i got here. i've learned so much, and grown. but still, if i could go back in time and avoid all of this, i would. i want free of him so badly. i want him out of my life. i just want to build a new life, a good one. i feel so optimistic when i think about a future that he isn't a part of. how much longer must i wait? how much more must i endure? when do i get to live my own life instead of his?

Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: nothing...

it's time for my annual "year according to lj" post. to play take the first line (or two) from the first entry of each month and repost it. let's see what 2007 looked like...

jan: "driving through snow, so thick i could only see five feet in front of me, i had a familiar conversation with myself with unfamiliar results."
feb: "for better or worse, i pushed send this time."
march: "i deleted all the entries out of my old journal and converted it into a photography and writing journal."
april: "right now i'm not very happy. i don't know why. i was fine, and then all of a sudden i was overcome with a case of the blues."
may: "i've been plagued with anxiety all day. i need to be working on my take home finals, but i'm paralyzed by my emotions."
june: "At World's End broke my heart."
july: "i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been."
aug: "last night i had a long vivid dream that i was some sort of undead ghoul."
sept: "this past year i can't shake the feeling that my life, my situation, is a work in progress."
oct: "every time i have an encounter with the emperor it throws me off balance, and this time i'm having trouble picking myself back up."
nov: "i'm having trouble getting my word count in. i've spent all day "writing" and only have 2.2k to show for it."
dec: "i'm so fucking tired of his bullshit and i'm tired of this divorce."

lord i hope next year is cheerier, or, at the very least, free from the emperor's influence. he's the most toxic person i've ever encountered. and i had the misfortune of marrying him. i remember being so afraid of growing old alone, or of being alone in general. not anymore. not the way i used to be. i used to think even the wrong person was better than no one. i sure as shit don't think that now. when i think about living out the rest of my life single i feel a certain calm acceptance. so what if i'm single? so what if i never have a family? it's better than being in the abusive hell cycle i was in before. thinking of it that way, being alone seems like a blessing, not a curse.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: Stormy Weather - Etta James

it's a true holiday miracle: i had a merry christmas. Now i'm basking in the post-holiday glow, feeling happy. what a contrast to the past several years. yet more proof that life without the emperor is not only okay, it's better.

and now, a list of my loot. recorded for posterity.

chrysta - card, cookies, & a mix cd
sage - card
andrea - woven hand warmers
princess of disks - cookies
grandma - chocolates, & $50 Target card
folks - seasons 1-5 of X-Files, $30 Barnes & Noble card, chocolate, "I Am America & So Can You" - Colbert, Sega games for the PS2, Covenant - Skyshaper, VNV Nation - Judgement, T-Shirt (Careful or you'll end up in my novel.), gloves, socks, draft-dodgers for my leaky antique windows, & pineapple candles.

quite the haul! i have a feeling the princess got me a gift too, but i won't see her until thursday. i actually have a tin of cookies for her, the only person outside my family i'm actually exchanging gifts with. watching the folks open their gifts was the best part though. i did good. and now that the holiday has passed i can safely go pick up a few things i've been wanting, like Lost season 3 and a new hard-drive. i'm just so damn happy to have spent the holiday without bullshit, drama, or hurt. i used to mourn the loss of the emperor as a part of my family, but now i realize he never was family. family is so much more. the people i have left are my real family, and they're amazing.

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: Frozen Angels - Zoe Keating

sitting on the loveseat watching my candles flicker and burn. full moon tonight, and it's officially christmas eve. i've felt very off since friday. i hate that the emperor always pulls his shit during holidays or exams. i had recaptured a tiny bit of my holiday spirit, and had been anxiety free, and then...wham, right in the gut. the fact that the queen of wands called doesn't help. yeah, it's kind of funny in a sick way. but on the other hand now i'm nervous around my phone again. i had finally gotten over that, and again, wham. i feel like this whole thing made me backslide. *sigh* and all i really want is to have a nice holiday.

i'm tired. i'm tired of dealing with this crap, day in and day out. i just want it to be done. i don't want to think about him, or any of it, ever again. i want to be allowed to move on with my life. it seems like every time i pull free i get pulled in again. i'm trying not to let it bother me, to not think about it, but unfortunately i sort of have to think about it. i don't have the luxury to sit back and do nothing until the trial because he keeps fucking shit up, and assuring that every cent i have goes to my lawyer. i'm tired of that too. i'm just so damn tired of all of it. I'm even tired of writing about it.

today is christmas eve. i think i'm going to turn off my phone and just close out the world. just hide away on the mountain for the holiday and try to forget that any of this exists. i want to be free from my anxiety again. i want to have a merry christmas. i want to be whole and happy. i want to be myself again.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: the forest

two more finals tomorrow, and i'm so demotivated to study. i really need to get on it, but yikes. so tired... just one more day. must focus.

cut a tree this morning and helped put the lights on. i'm trying to not be a scrooge and to recapture the holiday spirit i used to have. it's hard. after everything the emperor has done the past few years to destroy the holidays i sort of cringe in the face of all the cheer. i should make an icon or something, spruce up my lj, try to get in the spirit. i used to love christmas. i want that back.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: the forest

i'm so fucking tired of his bullshit and i'm tired of this divorce. i don't understand how he can get away with half the shit he gets away with. he hasn't obeyed court orders, he has stopped paying maintenance as well as the mortgage and who knows what else, his tactics are clearly meant to accomplish nothing but harass and upset me, and he is once again pulling bs during finals. i'm sick of it. it's time for him to get bitchslapped for this sort of stuff. i'm tired of paying my lawyer every cent i have just to defend against his latest stall tactic or attempt at vengeance. when is the court going to fucking do something about this? never? it's crap. it's fucking crap. i do not need this right now. hell, i don't need it ever. but i especially don't need it now. i am too fucking tired and too fucking busy to play his games. at this point i don't gave a shit if i walk away from all of this without a dime, so long as he has to stay the fuck away from me. forever.

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: the wind is really blowing out there

shot the 9 for the first time today. winged the bottle i was aiming for on the fifth of six shots. not bad. not bad at all. my shoulder is still a bit sore from shooting the shotgun. but all in all, i think i've decided something: i want to learn to shoot. i may not be a ninja like the emperor, but i can be a motherfuckin' cowboy. and i've always liked cowboys better than ninjas anyway.

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: The Stroke - Billy Squier

one hour later i've managed to fix it. yay! now i'm going to pass the fuck out. getting up at six am to deal with the emperor is taking a serious toll. need sleep. i hope i dream.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: More More More - Kylie Minogue

today was the emperor's birthday. i was the victim of his malice in court last thursday and have to see him this tuesday and thursday as well. i'm saturated in his hatred. but i'm living. been pouring all my energy into writing. haven't done a single iota of homework in two weeks. no reading. no papers. to say i'm behind is an understatement. but i don't care. i'm just trying to survive. and so far, i'm making it. i'm tuned out from everything right now, except writing. even though the constant writing is exhausting it's sustaining me like oxygen. every step i take toward a finished novel is a step away from my fear of him and the future. nothing can take this away from me. not school. not court. and certainly not him. so long as i have my pen i'll survive. fuck the rest.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: Hear Me Out - Frou Frou

i'm having trouble getting my word count in. i've spent all day "writing" and only have 2.2k to show for it. ordinarily that would be fine, but i need to step it up if i'm going to get through this and get my schoolwork done. I feel like I need constant validation, especially in this. i need to be told i can do it and get a pat on the head. the nano site is down and i can't see my progress, so i feel as though it's non-existent. i wanted to be able to crank out 4k on my weekend days so i have time for homework and friends, but i'm not sure i can. i'm worried. why can't i seem to get myself to go? i write a paragraph and stop. i write another, and stop again. it's slow and tedious. i'm anxious and frightened. i feel powerless.

i had an EMDR on friday at Maggie's. i could feel it starting to work, but i'm not there. we concentrated on my feelings of fear and anxiety, and i think a feeling of powerlessness is at the root of my issues. the emperor liked to keep me subservient, small, and powerless. he would bully me physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. he always made me feel vulnerable and weak. now i'm free, but i still believe the lies and feel helpless. i don't want to feel like that anymore. i want to feel strong.

when i dressed up as Dean on halloween i felt stronger than i had in years. it was amazing what a difference a coat and a shift in attitude made. i didn't even feel like i needed my mace on campus. i wasn't afraid. i felt like myself. i want to recapture the feeling, without feeling any of the fear or shame. when i'm myself i'm always afraid people will see what a weird-o i am. i wish i could stop caring. i wish i didn't have to deal with the emperor three times next week. i wish i could fucking write without this feeling of malaise. too bad these words don't add to my word count.

i'm frightened. and tired. perhaps i just need some sleep and i can write in the morning. except that's what i said yesterday. and i'm running out of time. i just wish i felt the way i did the first time i wrote, when i believed in myself and was in constant awe.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: the forest

i'm on edge and discontent. it snowed today and it brought up a lot of baggage and bad feelings, but honestly i've felt off since Thursday. i had a long talk about recent divorce schwag and i've been nervous and unhappy ever since. i think i need a new shrink - M is super nice, and i like her, but she's not helping. i need someone who can give me tools for dealing with the anxiety and malaise i'm dealing with. i need more than an ear. i need help. i hear divorce is the second most stressful thing a person can go through. now add in the fact that my ex is a borderline psychotic, an abusive son of a bitch, and actively attempting to cause me as much pain as possible, and let the fun begin.

i type all of that and i'm angry. i'm sick of dealing with this. it's bullshit and i shouldn't have to. i just want to move on with my life. i've been trapped in this state of constant anxiety for so long i'm not certain i even know how to function anymore. and it's killing me. it really is. my blood pressure and heart-rate are through the roof all the time. the human body isn't meant to stay in a state of constant stress. i'm worried that months are ticking off of my life, that i'm using up my allotment of heartbeats. but i don't know how to make it stop.

i don't know how to stop feeling the way i feel. sometimes it stops for awhile but it always returns with a vengeance. the only time i seem to be truly happy is when i'm watching Supernatural with the gang. which i'm out of btw. i need to find a way to let go of these feelings. to look them straight in the eye, tell them they're crap, and dismiss them. but every time i tell myself there's no reason to be afraid my mind takes off and lists about a hundred reasons why i *should* be.

i feel like i'm in hell. don't get me wrong, i'm a lot happier than i was this time last year, but my god i wish this was all a memory instead of the present. why won't he just let me go? why can't i be allowed to move on? why can't i just put all of this behind me and be happy? why do i keep coming back to this point, brooding over my situation, losing sleep, and sitting alone in the dark? why did i ever let myself fall so damn far?

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Location: the forest

i'm paralyzed by fear. every time i have an encounter with the emperor it throws me off balance, and this time i'm having trouble picking myself back up. i'm terrified and frozen. the shifting weather isn't helping. the grey clouds and cold remind me of last fall, last winter. every time i start thinking the beginnings of panic grab hold. and i don't have time to entertain this fear right now.

i have two really important papers due tomorrow and only a few hours to write them. i've been trying for days to get them done, but every time i sit down to start i can't focus, my pulse shoots through the roof, and i break into a cold sweat. i can't seem to write. i'm terrified. i spend my time trying to think up ways to avoid doing the work instead of doing it. i've put it all off too long already, yet part of me keeps insisting that I put it off until morning. which is ridiculous.

i need to do this. i need to accept that i need to do this, and more importantly that i can. i'm not certain why all of this has traumatized me academically on top of everything else, but it has. and there's no reason for it. i need to regain my confidence. i can do this. i can. it's not even that hard. i just have to make the decision, right now, to do it. he can't hurt me right now. i'm safe. i'm okay. i'm safe. it's all going to be alright. i'm alright. and now i'm rocking back and forth trying not to cry.

i feel like i'm trying to exorcise a demon. i need to get him out of me. get out! stop making me toxic and filling my head with doubt and fear! i can do this. i know i can. and i will. and i'll do a good job too. because i'm not stupid, or lazy, or any of he other things he says i am. he can't ruin me. he can't take this away from me unless i let him. am i going to give him this too? am i really going to lie down and give him school too? no. no damnit. he can't keep running me like this. this is my life, mine. and come hell or high water i will write these papers. and i will print them out and fall asleep feeling worlds better for having done it. because i'm not giving up. not now. not ever. even though it sounds tempting. simpler. it would be so easy to just let go, to give in. so much easier than fighting. just curl up and let my life be done. but i won't let you win. i gave you a decade i'll be damned if i give you more. bite me you fuck.

you can't make me feel this fear, only i can. and i refuse to give you what you want. i refuse to think about you all the time. i'm tired of every stray thought running in your direction. i have shit to do. shit like writing these papers and living my life. this isn't the end. this is the beginning. and you have no power over me. you hear me? you have no power over me. this is my life, not yours. and i'm going to write a couple brilliant papers, go to sleep, and dream of a world where i am free of you. a world where you aren't stalking me, hurting me, obsessed with ruining me. a world where you are far far away and where i never even have to hear your name again.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: the forest
Current Music: Call the Ships to Port - Covenant

dear emperor -

i'm sick of being afraid of you. i'm tired of looking over my shoulder. walking with my hand in my pocket so i can reach my mace. having to defend the same issue in court multiple times because you decided to twist something, or because you stalked my journal and emailed excerpts to the magistrate. i'm tired of spending thousands of dollars. missing exams for court dates. opening countless letters full of bile and legal jargon. hearing crazy bs rumors about me through the grapevine. hiding on campus for fear of seeing you. abandoning favorite restaurants and stores for the same reason. losing sleep. seeing a shrink for anxiety and self-esteem problems. wincing at things i shouldn't wince at. having emotional outbursts of rage or grief at the wrong times. watching my grades fall because i'm distracted. watching my bank account dwindle because you're spiteful. handing checks with hateful messages to bank tellers. wishing away chunks of my life. living in a constant state of worry and dread. and all around feeling fearful, unhappy, and abused.

all that stuff, i could do without. some of it i have control over. some of it i don't. but all of it has to do with you and how you make me feel. it's hard not to hate you. knowing you've lost your mind helps. get help. go commit yourself for a minimum of three months. then move away. or move away and then commit yourself. the order isn't important. what's important is that i want you far far away, and i want you to get help for your mental illness. in the meantime i'm going to do my best to stop being afraid of you. i may not be able to stop you from ruining my life, or even taking it, but i'll be damned if i let you run it. not now. not ever again.

- me

Current Mood: determined
Current Location: the forest

this past year i can't shake the feeling that my life, my situation, is a work in progress.

moved in more of my things and my loft is in disarray. i want to organize, nest, but there are papers to write.

mom is painting the guest room. i joked about painting mine. she said i could. it stopped me. possibility. now i'm strongly considering it. i was never allowed to paint the walls in my own house. the emperor preferred clean white walls. i wanted to paint vivid colors. but he liked everything cold and sterile. so white it stayed. maybe i'll paint their walls instead. maybe that makes this place more of a home than my own house ever was. maybe that's what family means. maybe family means paint chips, fumes, and that sticky sound of rollers across walls.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: The Ridge
Current Music: That's what I need...music.

i don't want to face my abuser tomorrow. walking into that house and seeing him. having to exchange words. i hope this is the last time. i hope that after this the court will take my situation into account and arrange things so that i don't have to see him. ever again.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: the forest

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notesinblue

January 2013

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Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 09:04 am

Musings in the Key of Blue

~ adagio sostenuto ~

Entries tagged with the emperor

several years later...

crisis

auf nimmerweidersehen

time

a matter of days

still stuck

year in review

very merry indeed

relapse

in the spirit

it's finals. must be time for the emperor to pull a stunt.

gun beats fist

woot

word therapy

power less

the hell of purgatory

get thee behind me

i've got the poison. i've got the remedy.

construction time again

shields up