the hell of purgatory
Oct. 22nd, 2007 01:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
notesinbluei'm on edge and discontent. it snowed today and it brought up a lot of baggage and bad feelings, but honestly i've felt off since Thursday. i had a long talk about recent divorce schwag and i've been nervous and unhappy ever since. i think i need a new shrink - M is super nice, and i like her, but she's not helping. i need someone who can give me tools for dealing with the anxiety and malaise i'm dealing with. i need more than an ear. i need help. i hear divorce is the second most stressful thing a person can go through. now add in the fact that my ex is a borderline psychotic, an abusive son of a bitch, and actively attempting to cause me as much pain as possible, and let the fun begin.
i type all of that and i'm angry. i'm sick of dealing with this. it's bullshit and i shouldn't have to. i just want to move on with my life. i've been trapped in this state of constant anxiety for so long i'm not certain i even know how to function anymore. and it's killing me. it really is. my blood pressure and heart-rate are through the roof all the time. the human body isn't meant to stay in a state of constant stress. i'm worried that months are ticking off of my life, that i'm using up my allotment of heartbeats. but i don't know how to make it stop.
i don't know how to stop feeling the way i feel. sometimes it stops for awhile but it always returns with a vengeance. the only time i seem to be truly happy is when i'm watching Supernatural with the gang. which i'm out of btw. i need to find a way to let go of these feelings. to look them straight in the eye, tell them they're crap, and dismiss them. but every time i tell myself there's no reason to be afraid my mind takes off and lists about a hundred reasons why i *should* be.
i feel like i'm in hell. don't get me wrong, i'm a lot happier than i was this time last year, but my god i wish this was all a memory instead of the present. why won't he just let me go? why can't i be allowed to move on? why can't i just put all of this behind me and be happy? why do i keep coming back to this point, brooding over my situation, losing sleep, and sitting alone in the dark? why did i ever let myself fall so damn far?
i type all of that and i'm angry. i'm sick of dealing with this. it's bullshit and i shouldn't have to. i just want to move on with my life. i've been trapped in this state of constant anxiety for so long i'm not certain i even know how to function anymore. and it's killing me. it really is. my blood pressure and heart-rate are through the roof all the time. the human body isn't meant to stay in a state of constant stress. i'm worried that months are ticking off of my life, that i'm using up my allotment of heartbeats. but i don't know how to make it stop.
i don't know how to stop feeling the way i feel. sometimes it stops for awhile but it always returns with a vengeance. the only time i seem to be truly happy is when i'm watching Supernatural with the gang. which i'm out of btw. i need to find a way to let go of these feelings. to look them straight in the eye, tell them they're crap, and dismiss them. but every time i tell myself there's no reason to be afraid my mind takes off and lists about a hundred reasons why i *should* be.
i feel like i'm in hell. don't get me wrong, i'm a lot happier than i was this time last year, but my god i wish this was all a memory instead of the present. why won't he just let me go? why can't i be allowed to move on? why can't i just put all of this behind me and be happy? why do i keep coming back to this point, brooding over my situation, losing sleep, and sitting alone in the dark? why did i ever let myself fall so damn far?
