dream life

Apr. 5th, 2009 01:00 pm
notesinblue: (glee)
i just had the most wonderful dream. i’ve woken up smiling. i’d go back to sleep and catch some more comfy bed, snuggly, nap time, but i wanted to write it down.

i dreamed the hanged man and i were both graduating. it was from the university in the spring, but it felt like high school. everything was warm and breezy, and it was filled with flowers. we sat on bleachers and there were maybe only fifty of us all total. a woman called him up first, and there was thunderous applause. i was so proud of him, and he was well recognized and lauded. i went second, and again, applause. and i did it right this time, because i felt right. i grinned from ear to ear and felt like i had accomplished something. (later that night i spied a black and white close up of me in a frame - i'm laughing in my mortarboard and holding my diploma up to my face, radiant with glee.) then we both walked off the stage together and met my folks who gave us huge hugs and congratulated us. it felt wonderful and momentous. we walked out into the sunshine hand in hand smiling and happy.

then the dream changed. again, this was all the present but it felt like high school. it was summer, but not long after the ceremony, maybe a month, and i was attending the university swim meet with the hanged man and my parents (though my mother never appears in this dream). the meet was a big deal, and a lot of people’s graduation or success depended on it. the princess of cups was there, and her eyes were swollen and red, infected by pool water from not wearing goggles like everyone else. she never saw me. she looked miserable and defeated. i found out, from my father, that over the course of the weeklong tournament she had fallen from third place to seventeenth. she was a failure. she was never going to amount to anything, and she knew it. i witnessed her defeat, shook my head, and felt a little sorry for her. then i left her behind without much thought, got some shaved ice, and enjoyed the rest of the summer festival with the hanged man.

then it changed again. i was picking out tulips from bins and the hanged man was no longer at my side, but my father was. i wanted the perfect lavender tulip to keep forever and cherish, to remember the past day by. there were yellow tulips and purple ones, and they were all amazing. i knew exactly which one i wanted, but i had to find it - i knew it was there because i had sen it earlier without getting it. it was just the right shade and shape. my father pulled one in particular from the box and asked me if it was the one i wanted, in a “please say no” sort of tone. it was tiny. the color was an amazing rich purple, but it had yet to open and it was itty bitty. it was a seedling. even though the color appealed to me i shook my head. maybe i could press it in a book or something, it was a nice shade, but it wasn’t what i wanted. he smiled and i kept looking. i found the one i was looking for and was happy. then my father showed me something else. it was a Tiffany lamp on a swing arm. it reminded me of the tulip. it was lavender, pink, and orange. i didn’t like the orange, it wasn’t quite right, but it was a gift and the more i looked at it the more i liked it. he offered to clamp it to my wing back chair in my room, and just like that we were there, as happens in dreams. it was my old room back at Larkbunting, but it was a bit different and i don’t think it was attached to their house. the wing back chair was in my closet as a reading place, and my father hooked the lamp up and i fell in love with it. i knew it would be so cozy there, reading at night. i felt peaceful and happy. this was my life and i felt content.

i woke up smiling and haven't stopped. it's clear to me what my subconscious was talking about, and i truly believe today that i can build the life i want. i will heal my wounds, get over my obstacles, and put my old life behind me. i will love the hanged man without pause, stop dwelling on those that tried to destroy me, and the negative feelings that go with them, and i will find a nice job and home. i will be whole, healthy, and happy. i believe it. just as i believe in the sunshine melting all the snow beyond the windows. warm days are ahead.

inheritance

Jan. 7th, 2008 01:51 am
notesinblue: (blue mind)
a thousand generations
the soil on which we walk
a mountain of mistakes
for us to climb for pleasure

a hundred clocks are ticking
the line becomes a circle
spin the wheel of fortune
or learn to navigate
~covenant


living with my parents again, now that i'm a thirty-something, is very different than when i lived with them as a teenager. on about a million levels. one of them is that i notice their flaws more. we fought a lot when i was younger, and barely ever now, but i can see their neurotic tendencies and shortcomings clear as day now whereas they were invisible before. maybe that's *why* we don't fight - i see why they act the way they do even when it's unreasonable.

i've noticed how immature and stubborn my father can be. and that he drinks more than i ever remembered, which makes me sad. i know he does it because he's tired. i hope he can finally get out of his job this winter because it's killing him. more than anything though i notice my mother's unhealthy attitudes.

she worries. all the time. about everything. and when there is nothing to worry about, she invents something. she's terribly negative, but she cites everyone else as being the negative ones. she's condescending and bossy when she's tired, which seems to be much more often than in the past. she nags and criticizes, but rarely does much herself. and i loath how she speaks to my father sometimes. i know she has no idea how she sounds. if she knew she'd feel awful. it's just awful though. and i'm terrified that's how i might be.

the nervous tendencies didn't manifest in me until a steady stream of abuse had been poured up me over the years, but they did manifest. and now they won't leave. and the rest, well, i don't think i'm like that, but i'm sure she doesn't either. the emperor said i was like that, but he said a lot of awful and untrue things about me. he projected his own ugliness onto me, and he shares many qualities with my mother - perhaps it was him not me. still, i worry i may be an awful bitch to those that care about me (read as: those that let me get away with it, and i know will let me get away with it). i worry. heh. and there it is again.

i used to say that i wouldn't mind turning into my parents too much, because as far as folks go they're pretty awesome. and they are. but they're no longer flawless and in their faults i see some of myself. i wouldn't mind retaining their finer qualities, but i'll be damned if i'll end up so critical and negative without a fight. i don't want to be that way. the past decade has beaten me down, but i refuse to be tainted by it. i refuse to see the glass as half empty rather than half full. or too big.
notesinblue: (walk alone)
i had a good birthday today. well, technically yesterday. 7-7-07. lucky me - i turned thirty on the luckiest day of the millennium. let's hope that bodes well for my thirties.

pop made me pancakes before leaving for work, and mom was awesome for my mini-party. the prince of swords, princess of disks, and the hermit all came up, and we partook in much lasagna, cake, and card games. we played Munchkin (Fu & Bites) and Unexploded Cow (a new game from the princess). everyone got along great, and we laughed and had much fun. it really was a good day, better than my last several birthdays honestly. my grandfather even called to wish me happy birthday, something he hasn't done since i was a child. the whole day felt like the grande finale for a truly good week. i'm happy. mostly.

the emperor made no contact, and for that i am both glad/relieved, while also being foolishly disappointed. i suppose he really meant his good-bye. i wasn't wounded by it until now. even now the wound isn't deep, but it is there and i acknowledge it. his silence cuts just as his words do. what's worse is that the prince of wands didn't contact me either. not a peep. now that does cut deep, and it makes me angry too. last year all i wanted for my birthday was to kiss him. now i want to punch him. hell hath no fury...

i find myself deciding to cut him from my life. it may seem petty, "oh, cut him out just because he didn't call you on your birthday...grow up", but it's not that simple. the last time i saw him he really wounded me with the things he said. he unloaded a bunch of bs on me then vanished. i was disappointed when he didn't call for weeks, and i was hurt when he didn't call on the fourth. now i'm fed up. all i wanted was the tiniest consideration. the fuckin' heirophant called for shit's sake. and my grandfather, whom i haven't spoken to in the better part of a decade. but the prince can't pick up the phone? screw him. i don't need him. and what's even more distressing is i don't think i even want him anymore either. this time last year i was very much in love with both him and the emperor. now i find my heart broken and empty.

it's funny, the emperor refused to relinquish the PS2 in a settlement. i heard it broke two weeks ago. now, today, i got one from my parents for my birthday. it feels like karma. i got a PS1 when i turned 19, right after i moved out, and in with the emperor. all this year i've been saying i felt like i had gone back to being 18. now i feel 19 all over again. except this time i'll make different choices.

it felt strange hooking up the PS2, and my little tv, and having a complete living space here in my loft. it feels like i've made a home of my own, and there's no one else in it, so to speak. i've moved on, and even though i'm still here on the ridge with my folks, i feel like i'm alone for the first time. i'm single. i'm really single. i share my space and my heart with no one. all of that from hooking up my own damn tv. strange how the mind can work. strange how much this post has wandered, even though i think this is really what i set out to say even though i didn't really know it. strange how life spins.


for the records, my lootz:
grandma - $50
queen of disks & king of cups - PS2, White Knight by Jim Butcher, & $50 gift card to B&N
princess of disks - Buffy season 2 (so i don't have to get it back from the queen of wands since the emperor gave her my copy), Unexploded Cow, & three scratch tickets (i won $1!)
the hermit - a stack of burned music (should be fun to root through)
michael f - a paid Flickr account (weird that someone i hardly know got me something...)
notesinblue: (blue mind)
i don't really have anything to say, i just feel like i want to write. i can't seem to stop my brain long enough to sleep. and i'm sad and anxious even though all has been quiet the past two days. i live in constant apprehension that the phone will ring, or an email will be sent, and the abuse will begin anew. it makes me tired all the time. it's exhausting living in fear. and yet, i miss him. i keep remembering all the good times, the tender acts, kind words, and laughs shared. when things where good they were extraordinary. i miss those times, even though i know that they came tied with times equally bad. my memory is selective. it's painful.

i was just sitting by the fire in the dark with pop. he's home from work and we sat and talked briefly after he pulled off his cowboy boots. i mentioned that my brain is locked in a state of worry about the future and obsession with the past. he agreed that brains were silly like that, and that if we could only be in the moment our spirits wouldn't be so damn tired. he didn't word it quite like that, but that's the gist. it's true. it's something i've know for years, and revisit with intense epiphany quite often. but i can never seem to master it or get it to stick. i only seem to be able to be in the present for the barest of moments, and those moments are few and far between. it's times like these that i contemplate Buddhism with great intensity.

in an effort to focus on the good things i have right now, here is a list of today's blessings:
Miami Vice, specifically the super awesome evil Crockett episodes
a low orange half moon
the view out my window
my dog
hugging my pop when he came in the door
spending time with my mom on the deck
wild flowers and hummingbirds
a nice warm bed
pasta
watching What Not to Wear, my greatest guilty pleasure
the prince of sword's voice, smiling at me through the phone
weighing in at 139, even with PMS
i'm not on fire, nor is anyone or anything i care about
no negative contact with the emperor, or anyone else for that matter
starting FFX2, which may or may not make up for how depressed FFX made me
whistling
references to MIR falling out of the sky
i could, if i wanted, go see POTC3 tomorrow 'cause it's out and i have nada to do
having the free time to stay up and type lists like this
the fact i'm smiling now that i'm at the bottom of this entry
notesinblue: (sitting alone)
i'm trying to focus on what i have, rather than what i don't. but it's hard. especially when i feel so consumed by loss. i feel like a brat. a spoiled ungrateful child. but i can't help feeling disappointed. when my parents said the snow tires they got me for my car last november were my christmas present i thought they were joking. i mean, the only reason i had to get the damn tires in the first place is because they live in BFE. and they were the ones that insisted i get them. i would have made due. so surely they were kidding, right? wrong.

i bought them car stereos, video games, and board games. i spent more than usual, and far more than i had. and in return i got a puzzle, a cheap throw blanket i suspect they got somewhere for free, and a DVD i was going to buy myself anyway. i didn't get any gift cards like i always do. and i certainly didn't get the digital camera i was hoping for. i can't recall ever having such a barren holiday. it only worsened my feelings of loss, and i'll admit it made me feel a little bitter. i don't regret spending the money on them, but it does make me a little grumpy to know that i spent my camera money on them and got a $5 blanket in return.

and then there is the matter of the prince of wands. i wrote him a month ago and he never wrote back. i wrote him again for the holiday, and still no response. i've been checking my email and LJ at least twice a day - nothing. until just now. he posted in his LJ. he's having a fantastic christmas in australia. and i hate him for it. i hate him for not writing me back, for not caring enough to even return my holiday well wishes. i hate that he is happy while i am not. most of all i hate that he doesn't miss me. i saw the effort and glee he put into his post and decided i wasn't writing him again, not even a comment, unless he writes me back first. childish or wise? probably some of both.

and the emperor didn't call me either. our first holiday apart, and he doesn't appear to miss me either. and it fills me with heartbreak and rage.

then the weather report came on. more snow. i've been up here for weeks, so lonely, and with the plow broken and more snow on the way it looks like it will be a couple more. i wanted to have a good new years, but now it looks like i'll spend it alone. and the thought of that makes me sadder than i can express. i need this new years to be good. i need it like i've needed so many other things i haven't gotten, and this looks to be no exception. and i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling so utterly disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. i'm holding my head, crying, and the words "it's not fair" just floated through my mind. yeah, i know, since when is life fair. it's such a stupid thing to think. but i can't help but feel it anyway.

i'm so full of tears and bile. i'm angry at everyone who is happy, including my loved ones, and that makes me disgusted with myself. i just hate that it's christmas night and i'm sitting alone in a cold room weeping. i hate that i can't stop. i hate that it's these things that i can't stop thinking about when there are so many other happier things. like sledding, and games of dragonology, and a nice steak dinner. like the utter delight my father had when he opened his gift, or the group hug in front of the tree. why are these things overshadowed by what i didn't get? i suppose i needed to feel pampered, missed, loved. and i'm not. i'm on my own, and it's never felt clearer. i'm an adult, all alone in the world. and that's the one thing i've never wanted to be.
notesinblue: (prose)
unsent letters... ever since that strange girl i once knew told me about them, i find myself composing them on occasion. the idea was like a virus. contagious. fortunately i'm not afflicted all that often. so here is a december installment, brought on by a sudden outbreak.


dear prince of wands,
what i didn't write in the letter, but really wanted to, was: do you miss me? are you looking forward to seeing me again? do you think about me from time to time? or should i forget about you as you may have forgotten about me?

dear king of disks,
why are we having lunch tomorrow? yeah, we're friends, but why are we really getting together? i've known you for nine years and we've never gone out to lunch. so tell me - what should i expect? what do you expect?

dear emperor,
i missed you today. it hurt, very deeply, and came out of the blue. but that's not the remarkable part. the remarkable part is that in missing you today i realized that i hadn't yesterday. either i'm finally healing thanks to your charming behavior, or i'm getting really really good at being detached and numb.

dear queen of wands,
i'm not surprised you're fucking him. not really. but honestly, truly, i don't think i could hate you more. emotions this strong are reserved for those you once truly loved. think about. and if the emperor gives you my number, don't call it. and if he invites you over when i'm there, don't show. 'cause, babe, i will choke the life out of you with my bare freaking hands. and you, who has looked into my heart in the past, should know that i'm dead serious.

dear prince of swords,
i'm really glad you called. i was stunned at how glad i was. i've missed you. and rather than being sore because you haven't been around, i find myself happy that you picked up the phone and called me for the first time since i moved away. please visit me before the year is over. please make things somewhat normal again by being my friend the way you used to be.

dear empress,
i'm sorry i haven't called. it's just, you scare me sometimes. you remind me a little of her, and with her shitting where i just slept she's on my mind. that and i know he's poisoned you against me to an extent. i don't blame you. he calls you back and i don't. he's charming and tells all, and i don't. but please, don't believe everything he says. he lies and he's delusional. and please, don't stick a sword through my back like she did. be different. be better.

dear princess of cups,
i miss you. i miss you and i feel left behind. it's not your fault. i'm not angry, except for possibly at myself. i haven't been around and you've had to fill up the hole i left. you've made new friends and kept busy. and i'm not a part of it. i picked up and left you all alone, and now i'm sad because i know you've moved on. i hate that in leaving him i might have broken things. i hate even more that i'm too weak to fix them properly right now. i just hope that you'll still be there, if even a little, when i come crawling home.

dear king of cups,
you really hurt me yesterday. badly. and i know you know it. things were stiff, uncomfortable, today. i'm not angry, just hurt. if you're actually sorry, and you want to make it better, just do what you're so good at - pretend nothing happened. i want to forget about it even more than you do. trust me on this one.

dear jasper,
i think you somehow intuitively know that i need you right now. when i couldn't stop crying yesterday you wouldn't leave my side. thank you for sleeping by my feet, and sitting with me on the deck. thank you for listening and offering nothing but unconditional love in return. well, sometimes it's conditional on food, but everyone has their vices. thank you for being exactly what i need right now even though we never really bonded before. we've bonded now. so thanks. or in terms you might better understand: good boy. good dog.

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January 2013

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