dream life

Apr. 5th, 2009 01:00 pm
notesinblue: (glee)
[personal profile] notesinblue
i just had the most wonderful dream. i’ve woken up smiling. i’d go back to sleep and catch some more comfy bed, snuggly, nap time, but i wanted to write it down.

i dreamed the hanged man and i were both graduating. it was from the university in the spring, but it felt like high school. everything was warm and breezy, and it was filled with flowers. we sat on bleachers and there were maybe only fifty of us all total. a woman called him up first, and there was thunderous applause. i was so proud of him, and he was well recognized and lauded. i went second, and again, applause. and i did it right this time, because i felt right. i grinned from ear to ear and felt like i had accomplished something. (later that night i spied a black and white close up of me in a frame - i'm laughing in my mortarboard and holding my diploma up to my face, radiant with glee.) then we both walked off the stage together and met my folks who gave us huge hugs and congratulated us. it felt wonderful and momentous. we walked out into the sunshine hand in hand smiling and happy.

then the dream changed. again, this was all the present but it felt like high school. it was summer, but not long after the ceremony, maybe a month, and i was attending the university swim meet with the hanged man and my parents (though my mother never appears in this dream). the meet was a big deal, and a lot of people’s graduation or success depended on it. the princess of cups was there, and her eyes were swollen and red, infected by pool water from not wearing goggles like everyone else. she never saw me. she looked miserable and defeated. i found out, from my father, that over the course of the weeklong tournament she had fallen from third place to seventeenth. she was a failure. she was never going to amount to anything, and she knew it. i witnessed her defeat, shook my head, and felt a little sorry for her. then i left her behind without much thought, got some shaved ice, and enjoyed the rest of the summer festival with the hanged man.

then it changed again. i was picking out tulips from bins and the hanged man was no longer at my side, but my father was. i wanted the perfect lavender tulip to keep forever and cherish, to remember the past day by. there were yellow tulips and purple ones, and they were all amazing. i knew exactly which one i wanted, but i had to find it - i knew it was there because i had sen it earlier without getting it. it was just the right shade and shape. my father pulled one in particular from the box and asked me if it was the one i wanted, in a “please say no” sort of tone. it was tiny. the color was an amazing rich purple, but it had yet to open and it was itty bitty. it was a seedling. even though the color appealed to me i shook my head. maybe i could press it in a book or something, it was a nice shade, but it wasn’t what i wanted. he smiled and i kept looking. i found the one i was looking for and was happy. then my father showed me something else. it was a Tiffany lamp on a swing arm. it reminded me of the tulip. it was lavender, pink, and orange. i didn’t like the orange, it wasn’t quite right, but it was a gift and the more i looked at it the more i liked it. he offered to clamp it to my wing back chair in my room, and just like that we were there, as happens in dreams. it was my old room back at Larkbunting, but it was a bit different and i don’t think it was attached to their house. the wing back chair was in my closet as a reading place, and my father hooked the lamp up and i fell in love with it. i knew it would be so cozy there, reading at night. i felt peaceful and happy. this was my life and i felt content.

i woke up smiling and haven't stopped. it's clear to me what my subconscious was talking about, and i truly believe today that i can build the life i want. i will heal my wounds, get over my obstacles, and put my old life behind me. i will love the hanged man without pause, stop dwelling on those that tried to destroy me, and the negative feelings that go with them, and i will find a nice job and home. i will be whole, healthy, and happy. i believe it. just as i believe in the sunshine melting all the snow beyond the windows. warm days are ahead.
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January 2013

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