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notesinbluesitting on the loveseat watching my candles flicker and burn. full moon tonight, and it's officially christmas eve. i've felt very off since friday. i hate that the emperor always pulls his shit during holidays or exams. i had recaptured a tiny bit of my holiday spirit, and had been anxiety free, and then...wham, right in the gut. the fact that the queen of wands called doesn't help. yeah, it's kind of funny in a sick way. but on the other hand now i'm nervous around my phone again. i had finally gotten over that, and again, wham. i feel like this whole thing made me backslide. *sigh* and all i really want is to have a nice holiday.
i'm tired. i'm tired of dealing with this crap, day in and day out. i just want it to be done. i don't want to think about him, or any of it, ever again. i want to be allowed to move on with my life. it seems like every time i pull free i get pulled in again. i'm trying not to let it bother me, to not think about it, but unfortunately i sort of have to think about it. i don't have the luxury to sit back and do nothing until the trial because he keeps fucking shit up, and assuring that every cent i have goes to my lawyer. i'm tired of that too. i'm just so damn tired of all of it. I'm even tired of writing about it.
today is christmas eve. i think i'm going to turn off my phone and just close out the world. just hide away on the mountain for the holiday and try to forget that any of this exists. i want to be free from my anxiety again. i want to have a merry christmas. i want to be whole and happy. i want to be myself again.
i'm tired. i'm tired of dealing with this crap, day in and day out. i just want it to be done. i don't want to think about him, or any of it, ever again. i want to be allowed to move on with my life. it seems like every time i pull free i get pulled in again. i'm trying not to let it bother me, to not think about it, but unfortunately i sort of have to think about it. i don't have the luxury to sit back and do nothing until the trial because he keeps fucking shit up, and assuring that every cent i have goes to my lawyer. i'm tired of that too. i'm just so damn tired of all of it. I'm even tired of writing about it.
today is christmas eve. i think i'm going to turn off my phone and just close out the world. just hide away on the mountain for the holiday and try to forget that any of this exists. i want to be free from my anxiety again. i want to have a merry christmas. i want to be whole and happy. i want to be myself again.
