power less
Nov. 3rd, 2007 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
notesinbluei'm having trouble getting my word count in. i've spent all day "writing" and only have 2.2k to show for it. ordinarily that would be fine, but i need to step it up if i'm going to get through this and get my schoolwork done. I feel like I need constant validation, especially in this. i need to be told i can do it and get a pat on the head. the nano site is down and i can't see my progress, so i feel as though it's non-existent. i wanted to be able to crank out 4k on my weekend days so i have time for homework and friends, but i'm not sure i can. i'm worried. why can't i seem to get myself to go? i write a paragraph and stop. i write another, and stop again. it's slow and tedious. i'm anxious and frightened. i feel powerless.
i had an EMDR on friday at Maggie's. i could feel it starting to work, but i'm not there. we concentrated on my feelings of fear and anxiety, and i think a feeling of powerlessness is at the root of my issues. the emperor liked to keep me subservient, small, and powerless. he would bully me physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. he always made me feel vulnerable and weak. now i'm free, but i still believe the lies and feel helpless. i don't want to feel like that anymore. i want to feel strong.
when i dressed up as Dean on halloween i felt stronger than i had in years. it was amazing what a difference a coat and a shift in attitude made. i didn't even feel like i needed my mace on campus. i wasn't afraid. i felt like myself. i want to recapture the feeling, without feeling any of the fear or shame. when i'm myself i'm always afraid people will see what a weird-o i am. i wish i could stop caring. i wish i didn't have to deal with the emperor three times next week. i wish i could fucking write without this feeling of malaise. too bad these words don't add to my word count.
i'm frightened. and tired. perhaps i just need some sleep and i can write in the morning. except that's what i said yesterday. and i'm running out of time. i just wish i felt the way i did the first time i wrote, when i believed in myself and was in constant awe.
i had an EMDR on friday at Maggie's. i could feel it starting to work, but i'm not there. we concentrated on my feelings of fear and anxiety, and i think a feeling of powerlessness is at the root of my issues. the emperor liked to keep me subservient, small, and powerless. he would bully me physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. he always made me feel vulnerable and weak. now i'm free, but i still believe the lies and feel helpless. i don't want to feel like that anymore. i want to feel strong.
when i dressed up as Dean on halloween i felt stronger than i had in years. it was amazing what a difference a coat and a shift in attitude made. i didn't even feel like i needed my mace on campus. i wasn't afraid. i felt like myself. i want to recapture the feeling, without feeling any of the fear or shame. when i'm myself i'm always afraid people will see what a weird-o i am. i wish i could stop caring. i wish i didn't have to deal with the emperor three times next week. i wish i could fucking write without this feeling of malaise. too bad these words don't add to my word count.
i'm frightened. and tired. perhaps i just need some sleep and i can write in the morning. except that's what i said yesterday. and i'm running out of time. i just wish i felt the way i did the first time i wrote, when i believed in myself and was in constant awe.
