last words

[notesinblue]

it wasn't a long conversation, nor was it short. it was good hearing your voice. the way you place your inflections, pose questions, mispronounce, tell stories, and laugh. i miss it already, your voice. it will most likely be well into next year before i hear it again. you're mailing your phone home tomorrow morning, before you hop on your plane and head across the pond. one of the first things you said, after hello & i had good timing, was that you were going to call me this evening. you were glad to hear from me. genuinely glad. and i was glad to hear you smile, even though i couldn't see it.

we caught up as much as we could. so much has already happened in just the short time you've been gone. i can't imagine how much more will happen before we talk again. yet it wasn't awkward, or painful. true, i cried after i hung up. i miss you. but what brought the tears wasn't longing so much as a release of pressure.

the conversation was ending and i could feel myself wanting, more than anything, for you to tell me you loved me. it was a romantic yearning, a fantasy. the kind i often have. it's things like this that have led to years consistent disappointment with the emperor. i honestly didn't think you would say it. so i decided i wouldn't say it either, no matter how much i wanted to. and i made a decision not to let it's absence trouble me. but then your voice became softer, more serious, and i was surprised. i could feel my breath stick in my throat and my heart change rhythms. maybe... just maybe...

Hold down the fort while I'm away.
*light laugh* i'll do what i can.
And take care of yourself.
i will. you too, okay?
I'll do my best. *pause* Hey...
yeah?
I love you.
i love you too.


i'll try not to forget, over-think, or doubt.
godspeed my sweet.
until next spring.