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the lover i never had
Apr. 25th, 2006 04:50 ami'm sitting in his car telling him about the story i wrote about Judas Iscariot. it's dark, cold, more like autumn than April. i went along because i wanted to be close to him, even if it was only for a few blocks. i miss him. i miss being near him and feeling my heart quicken every time he leans closer to talk or brushes against me in passing. he turns a corner and the topic shifts.
Are you kidding? I've always thought you were hot. Couldn't you tell?
my breath catches. i pull my suede jacket tighter. there it is - the answer to a question that has been plaguing me for more than seven years. the one question i've always wanted an answer to. the only question i've ever obsessed over. i had nearly gone mad thinking it was in my head, the heat. he had always denied it. but now he's talking. he keeps talking. and now he's saying there is a fire between us, an attraction. he's saying he never crossed that line because i was his best friend's lover, about how i was unattainable. my pulse quickens and i turn to look at him as we turn into the parking lot. my voice is wistful, almost cautious.
I'm not anymore.
he looks at me as though he's never seen me before. i've been someone else's for as long as he's known me, just as i've wanted him as long as i've known him. and i see for the first time possibility crossing behind his eyes, mirroring the daydreams i've held onto for so long. we both get out of the car and the air is clearer, crisper, sweeter, than it has been in years.
Are you kidding? I've always thought you were hot. Couldn't you tell?
my breath catches. i pull my suede jacket tighter. there it is - the answer to a question that has been plaguing me for more than seven years. the one question i've always wanted an answer to. the only question i've ever obsessed over. i had nearly gone mad thinking it was in my head, the heat. he had always denied it. but now he's talking. he keeps talking. and now he's saying there is a fire between us, an attraction. he's saying he never crossed that line because i was his best friend's lover, about how i was unattainable. my pulse quickens and i turn to look at him as we turn into the parking lot. my voice is wistful, almost cautious.
I'm not anymore.
he looks at me as though he's never seen me before. i've been someone else's for as long as he's known me, just as i've wanted him as long as i've known him. and i see for the first time possibility crossing behind his eyes, mirroring the daydreams i've held onto for so long. we both get out of the car and the air is clearer, crisper, sweeter, than it has been in years.
