Jun. 3rd, 2006

notesinblue: (profile)
it was a hit in the gut. i knew she existed. i knew she would be there. but i wasn't ready for it. i was weak, tired, and emotionally drained. i thought i was over it. but i couldn't handle it. not today. maybe not ever. i couldn't handle meeting his girlfriend. playing his games.

watching them hold hands next to the apples, fingers laced together unconsciously. the way they talked, touched. the fact that i knew her before we were introduced - a half remembered classmate in a class i resented. i wanted to backhand her in the checkout lane. i've never been jealous like that in my whole life. never. but watching them together, all while my ex stood a few feet away, out of reach. it was too painful. it welled up in me until i thought i would vomit up bile. so i left. i made an excuse and i left. but before i did he pulled me close in an embrace. held me tight. ran his hands up and down my back and said he missed me. kissed my cheek, a lingering kiss where his slightly scratchy cheek rubbed against mine. he gave me that parting kiss and i bolted.

i cried the whole way home. once i started i couldn't stop. i cried so hard i couldn't see the road, just blurry headlights and wavering double yellows. i cried so hard i really did spit up bile. i cried so hard i thought i would shake apart. i cried like the world had fallen apart. and it had. at least a part of it. and when i got home the house was empty and i thought i would cry until i died. so i called the only person i thought might understand. she was ill. i felt bad that she was ill and i hadn't known. i felt even worse that i needed to lean on her, just for a few hours, until i could glue myself back together. but she understood. and she insisted i let her. so i did. i went back out, turned up on her doorstep, and sat by her, crumbling. and she held me together. and i am so grateful. even empty and raw as i am, i'm grateful. because thank god, thank god, i have a friend who can look me in the eye and tell me that days like this would make her cry too.

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notesinblue

January 2013

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