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"happy anniversary. i hate you."
Jul. 31st, 2006 03:06 ami've been good. i really have been. i haven't felt lonely or scared at all the past five days. i've kept busy and i've been in a surprisingly good mood. as i drove home from my folks house tonight i remember thinking, "i seem to be overcoming my greatest fear (loneliness), and now nothing seems to scare me anymore." it was a big moment. and i was happy and fearless. until now.
i'll admit it, the tears surprised me. one moment i was fine and the next i just started sobbing. i should have known. i should have known that even on the other side of the planet he would find a way to make me cry. i had asked him, before he left, to call on what would have been our anniversary. he refused. adamantly. when i tried to talk to him about it he was cruel, still refused, and generally made me feel like absolute crap for asking. needless to say, he hurt me deeply. the talk ended with me telling him not to. but he did. tonight. twice in a row. except i was driving down the mountain from my parents house so it didn't even ring through. he actually called, but i missed it. so he left a message.
he sounded tired, mean, and put out. unbelievably annoyed. he said that i had made a big deal of him calling on the 31st, so he was calling (it was still the 30th here by several hours). he also said he didn't know why he even bothered because i never pick up my phone anyway. he was passive aggressive and horrible. i listened to the message, hung up, and felt hollowed out. i kept the phone next to me for the next few hours thinking he'd try again. but he didn't.
i went on with my night feeling oddly numb and unable to write or focus on anything. i went and watered Charlie's plants. i ran into Kev and he talked about his fiance moving out. R called to chat and mentioned this fantastic girl he met. i hung up, looked at my phone, and it caught up with me.
why would he do that? why would he call and then be so mean? why? WHY?! now it's three in the morning and i can't stop crying. i'm crying so hard i have to keep stopping as i type. i'm crying so hard i can hear my sobs echoing in this big empty house. why would he do that to me? why would he treat me like some horrible burden? i just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was, to tell him about my week and how things are going. but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. i'm just an unpleasant remnant of an old life he hates. i'm nothing but yesterday's garbage.
i was happy dammit. i was happy. and now i'm nothing.
EDIT (one hour later): an unexpected email from an acquaintance, and a few pages of a fun book, have calmed me significantly. i resolve to wake up and have a good day tomorrow. i will not let this continue to weigh me down. i will not let one voicemail devastate me like this. i'm stronger than this goddammit. and if i'm not, then i really need to learn how to be.
i'll admit it, the tears surprised me. one moment i was fine and the next i just started sobbing. i should have known. i should have known that even on the other side of the planet he would find a way to make me cry. i had asked him, before he left, to call on what would have been our anniversary. he refused. adamantly. when i tried to talk to him about it he was cruel, still refused, and generally made me feel like absolute crap for asking. needless to say, he hurt me deeply. the talk ended with me telling him not to. but he did. tonight. twice in a row. except i was driving down the mountain from my parents house so it didn't even ring through. he actually called, but i missed it. so he left a message.
he sounded tired, mean, and put out. unbelievably annoyed. he said that i had made a big deal of him calling on the 31st, so he was calling (it was still the 30th here by several hours). he also said he didn't know why he even bothered because i never pick up my phone anyway. he was passive aggressive and horrible. i listened to the message, hung up, and felt hollowed out. i kept the phone next to me for the next few hours thinking he'd try again. but he didn't.
i went on with my night feeling oddly numb and unable to write or focus on anything. i went and watered Charlie's plants. i ran into Kev and he talked about his fiance moving out. R called to chat and mentioned this fantastic girl he met. i hung up, looked at my phone, and it caught up with me.
why would he do that? why would he call and then be so mean? why? WHY?! now it's three in the morning and i can't stop crying. i'm crying so hard i have to keep stopping as i type. i'm crying so hard i can hear my sobs echoing in this big empty house. why would he do that to me? why would he treat me like some horrible burden? i just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was, to tell him about my week and how things are going. but he doesn't care. he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. i'm just an unpleasant remnant of an old life he hates. i'm nothing but yesterday's garbage.
i was happy dammit. i was happy. and now i'm nothing.
EDIT (one hour later): an unexpected email from an acquaintance, and a few pages of a fun book, have calmed me significantly. i resolve to wake up and have a good day tomorrow. i will not let this continue to weigh me down. i will not let one voicemail devastate me like this. i'm stronger than this goddammit. and if i'm not, then i really need to learn how to be.
