impossible medicine

i want to be loved. i know i am, by many. i'm lucky to have good friends and parents. but that's not what i mean. that's not what i long for. i long to be someones everything. that special someone that the whole universe revolves around. the center of someones life. sounds pretty spoiled doesn't it? i know. but it's what i want. i want to be the most dear to someone. not second most. not third. *the most*.

i'm not the emperor's beloved, and sometimes i doubt i ever was. i know that can't be true. it was real, once. it was. but not now. now i tell him how very lonely and frightened i am and he changes the subject, having not really heard me. my pain just reminds him of his own and the conversation swings 'round to his own woes. my desperate needs for love annoy him and he's quick to move on from any obligation to dole out affection. most times it leaves me feeling even lonelier. nothing makes you feel more insignificant than a quick hug then being told there isn't time for you - something else more important needs doing.

the prince used to make me feel special. i realize now that the bulk of it was an illusion. i hold out hope, but i fear i shouldn't. i'm just one of the flock. special yes, but mostly in my risk factor, not in how much he cares. why else would he fail to call or write to me, when i know he has called and written to others? if i were the one, wouldn't i be at the top of his list?

maybe i expect too much. at least, that's what the voice in my head says. but do i really? shouldn't i expect to be treated as precious by the ones who claim to love me? shouldn't i expect to be a priority? i want someone who will be there for me without my asking. someone who will scoop me up, hold me tight, and tell me it will be alright - and then make it alright! i want a storybook. i want something i'm starting to believe doesn't exist. i want love. and i'm scared to death i'll never get it. a lot of things scare me these days...

i'm tired of this constant anxiety. i'm terrified. constantly. every time i stop to think i have a panic attack. i just want to be held by strong arms and taken care of. the small weak voice in me keeps sobbing 'i want my mommy', but my mother is one of the last people i want to see right now. yet the sentiment is real enough. that's how i want to feel. all warm and safe, as only a child can feel. totally shielded from the future and all things large, black, and consuming. i want that feeling of safety, love, and complete trust. and i'm genuinely concerned i'll never feel that way again.

i used to feel it with the emperor. i trusted him utterly. i put all my faith and love into him in a way i don't think i'm capable of anymore. i believed in him, in us. i don't think i could ever trust someone like that again. which means i always feel wary and alone. i'm so very broken and i'm not sure i can be mended. i feel as though all my tears and love were for nothing. i gave myself to someone, my special one, and he used me up and left me empty and alone. how can that be possible? it's cruel and unfair. but i suppose life is, no matter how much i wish it wasn't.

so here i am. wishing that someone was doing for me what i did for him for so many years. i want what i gave returned to me. i want that solace. someone holding me together, pouring all they had into me. someone brushing my hair out of my face, and holding me in their lap. someone saying to me, 'shh. it'll be alright, babe. i'm here. i'm right here. and i always will be. i love you. i love you.' i only want that which i once gave so freely. if i could have that, perhaps i could be at peace enough to heal.