charlie

i need to say something. but i can't for the life of me figure out how to say it.

the emperor and i are going through one of our rough patches. i'm not sure our friendship is going to survive. and i'm not sure i can trust him anymore. he insists he needs to tell the Queen of Wands about my gender identity. he's already told her everything else. i feel violated.

school is frightening and frustrating. i can't get into any of my classes and it's stressing me out. if i can't make this work i won't be out in three semesters. i can't afford to go into debt for four. i feel trapped and i'm scared. i'm scared i can't pay for this and i'm scared i can't cut it. everything feels so wrong. i haven't felt this unsteady about school since i dropped out last time.

i had to leave my car at the gate again. the snow drifted over the road and made it impassible. i'm tired of having clipped wings. i'm even more tired of no one understanding the situation or thinking i'm being silly or lying. i'm not sure what stresses me out more: being stuck up here or everyone thinking i'm not really stuck.

all of these things are eating me alive. but not nearly as much as the knowledge that something is wrong, desperately wrong, with our friendship. i need a friend, now more than ever. i have so much i need to talk about and share. i need reassurance, love, and understanding. i need joy, laughter, and distraction. i need long nights of watching movies and walks around campus. i need unsmoked cigarettes, hugs, and fresh baked cookies. i need someone to talk to about writing, and this new life and self i'm trying to build. i need a friend, and i thought that friend was you.

i know i've needed a lot these days, but i never thought it was more than you were happy to give. perhaps that was foolish of me, even naive, but it's the truth. i've tried not to be a high maintenance friend, but i seem to have fallen on a time of great weakness and disrepair, a pity for us both. and i know i've been a mess for awhile, longer than you've had patience for, but if you look closely you'll see how far i've come. i'm not going to lie - i still have low days and hard times, and i probably will for awhile. but they are fewer and fewer.

i also know i've been away, but there were reasons. and i know i've been a drag, but again, there were reasons. i didn't know my friendship with you was so fragile that it couldn't survive an absence and some heartache. it's obvious you've run out of patience, but i'm wounded that you say nothing and instead snap at me or treat me coolly. i feel barely tolerated, even loathed at times. we don't talk anymore, and when we do it feels strained. i feel as though i am on trial, being judged, every time i speak. and like somehow i keep misstepping. i can't help but feel vastly misunderstood, which i find unnerving since i feel like i've been very honest. was it a mistake to be honest when you asked how i was? was it a mistake to be so truthful and bare with my feelings? was it a mistake to think we were close enough that i didn't need to have any walls up between us? was it an abuse to you and our friendship somehow, to be so truthful that i hid nothing?

i'll be honest once more: it's been frustrating. and it's made me angry on more than one occasion. but lately it just hurts. i thought we'd be friends for a long long time. i thought we had a connection. i thought we were close. but i can tell by the tightness in your face and the harshness of your words that it isn't so. at least not anymore. the truth is that lately i feel sick every time i talk to you, like i've been hit in the gut. the irony is that i think you left because i was sad, and what makes me saddest lately is you. i've shed more tears this last month over the loss of you than i have over anything else. and i know we need to talk. whether we mend this or go our separate ways, i know there are too many words unsaid.

i have something to say. but i don't know how to say it.

i suppose the closest i can get is: why aren't we friends anymore? when did you stop loving me?