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every time i see a short, fat girl on campus i think it’s the princess of cups for a split second. it doesn’t help that they are numerous, and that they all seem to have the same mousey brown hair she does. it’s gotten to the point where it happens about a dozen times a day. as a result I’ve gotten used to dismissing the phenomenon almost as soon as it arises. so, when i was sitting in the lounge and saw a girl meeting the requirements, not ten feet away, i dismissed the idea that it might be her. but after staring for a good five minutes i realized that it was.
she was reading a paper or short story, wearing the same thing she always wears, except with a beaded bracelet. she was drinking a trendy drink and i think she could feel someone watching her because she looked up several times. separated by a pane of glass, she only needed to look a bit over her shoulder to see me, sitting right there. but people outside never look in. so i was free to stare, and even snap two pictures, while i decided how to proceed.
she was in between me, and my next class. i decided to pretend to be on the phone and breezed by her. but once i got inside clark c, i had to get a peek and see if she had watched my passage. she had. and she looked troubled by it, which i'm embarrassed to admit pleased me.
i watched her from the breezeway, snapping pics of pigeons. she was restless, which made my spying risky since she was no longer engrossed in her reading. i’m not sure if she saw me or not. i hope not. i don’t want her to think i give a shit enough to watch her. and i wish i didn’t. i wish i could have ignored her entirely. alas, apparently not.
i thought i had come farther than this. i’m not sure if i’m disappointed in my interest or disappointed that i didn’t take it further. maybe both. either way, i’m unsettled. not depressed, or shaken to my core, as I would have been had this occurred two weeks ago, but unsettled nonetheless. i truly think less of her than any other person drawing breath, but a part of me still misses her. i wish i could let go entirely. i wish i was free of her.
she was reading a paper or short story, wearing the same thing she always wears, except with a beaded bracelet. she was drinking a trendy drink and i think she could feel someone watching her because she looked up several times. separated by a pane of glass, she only needed to look a bit over her shoulder to see me, sitting right there. but people outside never look in. so i was free to stare, and even snap two pictures, while i decided how to proceed.
she was in between me, and my next class. i decided to pretend to be on the phone and breezed by her. but once i got inside clark c, i had to get a peek and see if she had watched my passage. she had. and she looked troubled by it, which i'm embarrassed to admit pleased me.
i watched her from the breezeway, snapping pics of pigeons. she was restless, which made my spying risky since she was no longer engrossed in her reading. i’m not sure if she saw me or not. i hope not. i don’t want her to think i give a shit enough to watch her. and i wish i didn’t. i wish i could have ignored her entirely. alas, apparently not.
i thought i had come farther than this. i’m not sure if i’m disappointed in my interest or disappointed that i didn’t take it further. maybe both. either way, i’m unsettled. not depressed, or shaken to my core, as I would have been had this occurred two weeks ago, but unsettled nonetheless. i truly think less of her than any other person drawing breath, but a part of me still misses her. i wish i could let go entirely. i wish i was free of her.
