untouched

i miss kissing. dancing close to someone. the feel of skin beneath my fingertips. i don't really miss being in a relationship. or sex. just the little thrill of electricity that comes with initiation. the flutter of excitement. those heated moments when one person reaches out and another person reaches back.

which is both why i've been flirting with the hanged man, and why i need to stop. i'd fucking break him. all i want is some spark. which is so uncool to pursue, even slightly, with a friend. and a fragile virgin friend at that. he's never been kissed. who the hell am i to wiggle my eyebrows at him when all i want is a bit of fun? i'm pissing myself off. it's just, there is no one, and i mean no one, else to flirt with.

i don't want a boyfriend, or even a fling. i just want to feel human again, if even for a moment. no one has touched me in nearly two years. sometimes i close my eyes and try to remember what it's like. and i can't. babies become retarded without human touch. i'm not becoming retarded intellectually, but i am emotionally. the longer it continues the more i feel like i'm becoming a machine, or undead.

i bought a pair of high heeled fuck-me boots. i cut my hair short and daring, and dyed it black. i feel like i'm fishing, even though i don't want to catch anything. i truly don't. i'm content with being single. my life is complex and full enough without being in a relationship. yet there is that yearning for contact. i want someone to run a hand through my new short hair. i want to be touched.