relapse of blue

god damn it. why now? why did my parents have to beat the hell out of me now? i was just starting to bounce back from one of the worst weekends i've had all year. i seriously wanted to curl up and die. then Robin got bitten by that rattlesnake and almost died, which ripped my heart out. i'm fragile as a teacup and then they smash the hell out of me. and now i'm back where i was, wishing i was dead. yeah, it's true. i feel that bad. and somehow knowing i won't actually do anything drastic makes the pain even worse. i don't feel like i can face another day. not one. but i will. and in the meantime i'm desperate for human contact. but no one is out there. my guy is hanging out late with his buddies and didn't text me back. my bestfriend blew off calling me, even after several desperate messages. and there isn't anyone else. i'm this close to calling the Hopeline just to hear a human voice. i don't know if i can make it through tonight like this. i feel like i'll die of sadness, by no intervention of my own. i hate this. i hate it up here. i hate my fucking life, or lack thereof. the only thing i love is my guy, and i'm losing him. the depression and the distance is pulling us farther and farther apart, which just makes me more and more depressed. soon i'm afraid i won't have anything anymore. hell, the fact that i only have two people i feel like i can call when i'm so low i want to throw myself off a balcony is pretty sad in itself. and i'm upset that i'm this low again. i thought i was getting better. i even thought i didn't need this journal anymore. but i guess i was wrong. because here i am. typing away just to keep myself company in an otherwise empty world. i might as well be the Omega man. just talking to the walls, waiting for the night to finally overtake me. pathetic.