third time's a warning
Jun. 19th, 2006 05:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
it's a new day and a new perspective. and all i can think is: why?
why this animosity? why this rift? why the misperceptions and anger? for once, it's me who doesn't understand. did S feel this way before she left? confused? wounded? wondering what went wrong? somehow i doubt it, but now i find myself wondering all the same. i just don't understand what changed. one week i can blame on bad timing. two i can blame on outside sources. but three? all three weeks? no. no this isn't just a coincidence. i need to call. to talk. to ask. but i don't want to. i need her to do it. i need her to know how badly i'm hurt and make it up to me. it's not fair. it's expecting a lot, and that was what always got me in trouble with J, but it's what i need. these feelings aren't going to mend unless she steps forward and fixes this. but i don't think she knows that and it's not something i can tell her. so i'm afraid it won't happen. i'm afraid it will just get worse and i'll end up losing her. i'm afraid that somehow, for some reason, i've become S and i don't know why or how to stop it. or maybe i do know but i'm unwilling to take the first step. i have to wonder, because this is the first entry i'm locking from her eyes and she's the one that most needs to read it.
edit, a day later: unlocked, shared, and resolved.
why this animosity? why this rift? why the misperceptions and anger? for once, it's me who doesn't understand. did S feel this way before she left? confused? wounded? wondering what went wrong? somehow i doubt it, but now i find myself wondering all the same. i just don't understand what changed. one week i can blame on bad timing. two i can blame on outside sources. but three? all three weeks? no. no this isn't just a coincidence. i need to call. to talk. to ask. but i don't want to. i need her to do it. i need her to know how badly i'm hurt and make it up to me. it's not fair. it's expecting a lot, and that was what always got me in trouble with J, but it's what i need. these feelings aren't going to mend unless she steps forward and fixes this. but i don't think she knows that and it's not something i can tell her. so i'm afraid it won't happen. i'm afraid it will just get worse and i'll end up losing her. i'm afraid that somehow, for some reason, i've become S and i don't know why or how to stop it. or maybe i do know but i'm unwilling to take the first step. i have to wonder, because this is the first entry i'm locking from her eyes and she's the one that most needs to read it.
edit, a day later: unlocked, shared, and resolved.