![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nine of swords
Aug. 26th, 2006 09:23 amwhen i laid down my cards the other day i pulled the nine of swords. i've always called it the nightmare card - the traditional image being that of someone crying out in the night, swords walling them in. it's called cruelty in my deck, a crying eye is underlined by two bloody lines, cutting across its cheek. i've never pulled this card for myself. not ever. i went pale as a sheet when i turned it over. pale enough that when A saw me turn it over and begin to shake, he ushered me to the kitchen and away from the image.
my dreams have indeed been dark. there are days when i believe none are as cruel to me as i am to myself. there are others where i feel very much abused. i look at the two deep gouges, causing the eye to weep, and i see two men who have recently cut me to the bone. there are other scratches marring that face, just as there have been other slights and pitfalls. but i do see their reflection in that crimson. heart's blood.
i spoke to one of those men today, the prince, and i felt somewhat cheered. i feel as though perhaps this entropy is not my making but his. it makes me feel better for myself, and worse for him. which in turn makes me feel ill all over again. i have decided to love him all the same, because it seems i have no other choice. it may be foolish, but as i said, i have little choice, and at least that love fills a small part of the void within me. this decision will either eat my heart out, bring me later joy, or follow its course to an anticlimactic non-end. no way of knowing. but i do know i am too tired to fight as mighty a foe as love. she makes a bitch of me every time. i might as well face her head on and try to weather the storm with as much dignity as i can manage.
my dismay is that the princess of cups does not believe i am trying. nor does the emperor for that matter, which he pointed out as soon as she departed. i, on the other hand, think i do nothing but try. if i weren't trying i wouldn't keep getting out of bed and plugging forward on my broken limbs. maybe i *don't* see any rainbows and happy endings right now. i admit it. i've been an optimist for a long long time, but i'm far from optimistic right now. optimism smells of naivete in my current state. and it has before. i'm sure it will engender my affection again in time. but not right now. right now i'm choking on my nine of swords.
i may see nothing but a dark and muddy road right now, but i *am* still walking. one day maybe i'll look up and see silver rain again rather than mud. but not right now. right now i'm beat to hell and it's making me angry. frankly i feel i have every right to be. yes, when life knocks the shit out of you, you do have to get up. but right now i want to bleed for awhile. i'm exhausted, and i want to feel a little sorry for myself after feeling sorry for others for so long.
i don't want that to mean i have to close myself away in order to do so. i don't want to have to be dishonest, to pretend to be that which i am not, but my rawness causes worry and discomfort in those around me. i find myself throwing up walls, which only worsens my foul temper. yes, i'm cynical, angry, and bitter right now. most people who have lost much are. the man watching his house burn is not a ray of sunshine. he's a hopeless miserable cuss, cursing life and luck. and he's probably going to continue to be like that until he has a new house, and a change of clothes. that's his right as far as i'm concerned, for better or worse.
i'm in need of so much right now, like that poor burned out man. some of it i can go out and get on my own. some of it is out of reach. and still some of it is beyond my sight. as i pull blankets around me, they will help smother my angry flames, and warm my chilled heart. it takes time. lots of it. and i may never be as happy as i was. part of me sincerely doubts i could be, for ignorance is truly bliss. i've lost much, seen more, and been changed because of it. but maybe happy isn't everything. maybe seeing the world around you, the whole world, in full color is more important. maybe being wiser, and stronger, can make up for some of that lost serenity. maybe sometimes the lovers have to wake up and be warriors, if even for a time. and i plan to be. as soon as i finish pulling these nine swords from my back.
my dreams have indeed been dark. there are days when i believe none are as cruel to me as i am to myself. there are others where i feel very much abused. i look at the two deep gouges, causing the eye to weep, and i see two men who have recently cut me to the bone. there are other scratches marring that face, just as there have been other slights and pitfalls. but i do see their reflection in that crimson. heart's blood.
i spoke to one of those men today, the prince, and i felt somewhat cheered. i feel as though perhaps this entropy is not my making but his. it makes me feel better for myself, and worse for him. which in turn makes me feel ill all over again. i have decided to love him all the same, because it seems i have no other choice. it may be foolish, but as i said, i have little choice, and at least that love fills a small part of the void within me. this decision will either eat my heart out, bring me later joy, or follow its course to an anticlimactic non-end. no way of knowing. but i do know i am too tired to fight as mighty a foe as love. she makes a bitch of me every time. i might as well face her head on and try to weather the storm with as much dignity as i can manage.
my dismay is that the princess of cups does not believe i am trying. nor does the emperor for that matter, which he pointed out as soon as she departed. i, on the other hand, think i do nothing but try. if i weren't trying i wouldn't keep getting out of bed and plugging forward on my broken limbs. maybe i *don't* see any rainbows and happy endings right now. i admit it. i've been an optimist for a long long time, but i'm far from optimistic right now. optimism smells of naivete in my current state. and it has before. i'm sure it will engender my affection again in time. but not right now. right now i'm choking on my nine of swords.
i may see nothing but a dark and muddy road right now, but i *am* still walking. one day maybe i'll look up and see silver rain again rather than mud. but not right now. right now i'm beat to hell and it's making me angry. frankly i feel i have every right to be. yes, when life knocks the shit out of you, you do have to get up. but right now i want to bleed for awhile. i'm exhausted, and i want to feel a little sorry for myself after feeling sorry for others for so long.
i don't want that to mean i have to close myself away in order to do so. i don't want to have to be dishonest, to pretend to be that which i am not, but my rawness causes worry and discomfort in those around me. i find myself throwing up walls, which only worsens my foul temper. yes, i'm cynical, angry, and bitter right now. most people who have lost much are. the man watching his house burn is not a ray of sunshine. he's a hopeless miserable cuss, cursing life and luck. and he's probably going to continue to be like that until he has a new house, and a change of clothes. that's his right as far as i'm concerned, for better or worse.
i'm in need of so much right now, like that poor burned out man. some of it i can go out and get on my own. some of it is out of reach. and still some of it is beyond my sight. as i pull blankets around me, they will help smother my angry flames, and warm my chilled heart. it takes time. lots of it. and i may never be as happy as i was. part of me sincerely doubts i could be, for ignorance is truly bliss. i've lost much, seen more, and been changed because of it. but maybe happy isn't everything. maybe seeing the world around you, the whole world, in full color is more important. maybe being wiser, and stronger, can make up for some of that lost serenity. maybe sometimes the lovers have to wake up and be warriors, if even for a time. and i plan to be. as soon as i finish pulling these nine swords from my back.
