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the things we carry
Sep. 3rd, 2006 06:36 ami've been avoiding my more public journal. i just don't feel like i can face anyone right now. i'm not ready to put on a happy face and tell everyone how much better i'm doing. it's true, i'm doing worlds better, but i'm still not ready to put that under scrutiny. i also don't want congratulations on my new job. i'm dreading it's start. just a couple days now. it makes me feel ill. i start the same day the prince departs for New York. he begins his journey and i begin mine.
his party was today. it was wretched. i stayed as long as i could stand it, about three hours, then i went home to cry. i don't expect i'll get to see him again before he goes. i watched him kiss and hug each girl there. it didn't make me jealous, or surprised, just empty. i was no more special than the rest on the surface. less so even - i was barely regarded until i told him i was going. then he walked with me to my car. it only reinforced my suspicions that he doesn't want to be seen with me. i'd ask him about it, point it out, but there's no point. it's a non-issue now.
i gave him my grandfather's pocketwatch chain for luck, told him to return it when he came home. it may seem silly, but i truly believe that chain will keep him safe. it's very dear to me, one of only three things i have from my grandfather, but i knew it was the thing to give him. it felt right. and i felt no sense of worry or loss as i pressed it into his hand.
i also gave him a sealed note and told him to open it when he felt lonely. all it says inside is 'you are loved'. i hope it's not a disappointment. i hope it brings him warmth. i also gave him a single red rose, just opening. a cliche, to be sure, but symbolic nonetheless. it should last until he goes. i wonder whether he'll throw it in the garbage then, or if he will keep it out of sentiment. i've never loved a man that would do the later and my heart grieves to think of him tossing it in the dumpster as he departs.
i gave him the gifts and felt awkward. i said it wasn't much. he said it was perfect. he thanked me, three times, and meant it. he wound the chain around his brown wrist and held my hand a moment. then i took him on a quick errand that needed running, and returned him to his party. he gave me a quick peck goodbye, and i managed to hold in my tears until the door shut behind him. then i drove away. it was both extremely difficult and terribly easy at the same time. i drove home to my empty house and i tried my best to be distracted. television, video games, movies. it worked and it didn't. it took my mind off of things, but my heart still feels bruised and numb. part of me can't believe he won't be here on Monday, late as usual, and smiling.
i'm tired. i feel like i've been treading water for months, and my sleep is rarely restful anymore. i can't imagine how tired i will become once work begins and my writing becomes more demanding. intellectually i know i can do it. i can make it through all of this. it's just that i'm so very tired right now, and there is no end in sight. i need a break and i haven't even begun my climb. i would give almost anything to lie down next to him, feel his hand in my hair, and dream.
his party was today. it was wretched. i stayed as long as i could stand it, about three hours, then i went home to cry. i don't expect i'll get to see him again before he goes. i watched him kiss and hug each girl there. it didn't make me jealous, or surprised, just empty. i was no more special than the rest on the surface. less so even - i was barely regarded until i told him i was going. then he walked with me to my car. it only reinforced my suspicions that he doesn't want to be seen with me. i'd ask him about it, point it out, but there's no point. it's a non-issue now.
i gave him my grandfather's pocketwatch chain for luck, told him to return it when he came home. it may seem silly, but i truly believe that chain will keep him safe. it's very dear to me, one of only three things i have from my grandfather, but i knew it was the thing to give him. it felt right. and i felt no sense of worry or loss as i pressed it into his hand.
i also gave him a sealed note and told him to open it when he felt lonely. all it says inside is 'you are loved'. i hope it's not a disappointment. i hope it brings him warmth. i also gave him a single red rose, just opening. a cliche, to be sure, but symbolic nonetheless. it should last until he goes. i wonder whether he'll throw it in the garbage then, or if he will keep it out of sentiment. i've never loved a man that would do the later and my heart grieves to think of him tossing it in the dumpster as he departs.
i gave him the gifts and felt awkward. i said it wasn't much. he said it was perfect. he thanked me, three times, and meant it. he wound the chain around his brown wrist and held my hand a moment. then i took him on a quick errand that needed running, and returned him to his party. he gave me a quick peck goodbye, and i managed to hold in my tears until the door shut behind him. then i drove away. it was both extremely difficult and terribly easy at the same time. i drove home to my empty house and i tried my best to be distracted. television, video games, movies. it worked and it didn't. it took my mind off of things, but my heart still feels bruised and numb. part of me can't believe he won't be here on Monday, late as usual, and smiling.
i'm tired. i feel like i've been treading water for months, and my sleep is rarely restful anymore. i can't imagine how tired i will become once work begins and my writing becomes more demanding. intellectually i know i can do it. i can make it through all of this. it's just that i'm so very tired right now, and there is no end in sight. i need a break and i haven't even begun my climb. i would give almost anything to lie down next to him, feel his hand in my hair, and dream.
