![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tarnished victory
Nov. 29th, 2006 04:22 ami haven't written in here in a long time, for good reason. i'd rather try and ignore how unhappy i am, not wallow in it by writing (and rereading) about it here. but i have to write something now. this cannot pass without comment.
i just finished my second novel...and i'm miserable. i remember finishing Icarus. it was the best feeling ever. i had never been so happy. the feeling was honestly indescribable. so why is it that i'm utterly miserable finishing this one? if i stop and think about it, there are a thousand reasons.
- i don't like it.
okay, well, that can be fixed with editing. you can make it work with some revising. even though it seems unbelievably ugly now you can still work it. relax.
- now i have to write my play and go back to work.
well, that's life kiddo so you better get used to it. i know it makes you unhappy and anxious, but there's not much to be done about it. best start learning to deal with it. or better yet, hammer out the play in the next few days so it's behind you and apply for a loan. you'll feel so much better.
- i can't stop thinking about all the shitty things the emperor has done.
ah. see, this one's the toughie. every time i start to heal, something happens to twist the knife. each time i start to get my feet under me he pulls out the rug, without fail. it's gotten to the point where i can predict badness just by my mood: oh, i feel okay, bet something shitty will happen within the next hour, and bam! i'm right. for example, here's the past eight days:
i start to feel alright, then i go to game and he doesn't even bother to get the door and say hello to me. he's insensitive to the point where i can barely drive home i'm so upset. i start to recover a few days later, the day before Thanksgiving, and he calls that night to tell me he's sleeping with the queen of wands, and he's sad because K is upset with him. i have a meltdown. it's the crappiest thing he could have ever done to me. i'm blown to bits. i begin to feel slightly human again, then go to game and get in a two hour discussion with him about how much of an asshole he is. i leave feeling empty, which is better than the sucking pit i felt a few days earlier, and decide i might be healing.
then the next day, today, i wake up sad again after processing all the ugliness in my sleep. i cry all the way down the mountain, but manage to cheer myself up throughout the afternoon. by the time i get home i'm genuinely happy. i got to enjoy that for about an hour. i'm halfway through my first celebratory cookie when he calls to tell me he totaled the car and can he please borrow mine. i hang up feeling like my heart is missing again. i realize it's not because he totaled my old car, which has enormous sentimental value to me, but because he was calling yet again because he needed something for me. he disguises it under other pretenses, but that's the real reason.
'K is upset with me and maybe screwing the village ho was a bad idea, boo-hoo. oh, but i didn't call for a shoulder to cry on, i called 'cause i thought you should know. not that i think it's any of your business.' or 'i need a car to drive cause i'm a shitty driver and totaled the one you gave me. i mean, gosh, i was in an accident, but i'm okay. thought you should know.' it's crap.
i was angry at him last thursday, and i managed to hold onto that all through monday. but today the anger fizzled out when i thought he might be hurt in a bad accident. he's not, and now i'm left feeling sad and used again. every time he does something like this it makes me want to call him. i get sucked back in. it's like heroin. i resist, but i jones for at least a couple days. it's just an indication of how sick our relationship was that it's the bad things that make me want to pay attention to him.
i really hate him at the moment. i hate that he does this to me. i hate that in a way i let him. i hate that i still miss him and care about him. i hate that he's fucking the one person in the world i can't handle him fucking. i hate that he seems to be happy. i hate that i give a shit. i hate feeling like this.
i'm sure i'll feel better in a few days, but i'm so tired of being sad. i thought finishing my book would lift me up, give me the confidence and joy i needed, but it didn't. if anything it did the opposite. i feel like this book is horrible. i feel like i've lost my touch, and worse, my passion. i feel so god damn empty inside. if writing a novel won't help fill and heal the hole, what the hell will? i know only time will heal this hurt, but i'm tired of waiting. i've been hurting for so long. when does it get easier? when will i wake up and be over all this grief? they say grief has five stages. i've been through them all multiple times and i'm not done yet. how many times do i have to spin around this wheel before i start feeling alive again? how much more do i have to take? how much more before i can say i'm over him and happy with me?
i just finished my second novel...and i'm miserable. i remember finishing Icarus. it was the best feeling ever. i had never been so happy. the feeling was honestly indescribable. so why is it that i'm utterly miserable finishing this one? if i stop and think about it, there are a thousand reasons.
- i don't like it.
okay, well, that can be fixed with editing. you can make it work with some revising. even though it seems unbelievably ugly now you can still work it. relax.
- now i have to write my play and go back to work.
well, that's life kiddo so you better get used to it. i know it makes you unhappy and anxious, but there's not much to be done about it. best start learning to deal with it. or better yet, hammer out the play in the next few days so it's behind you and apply for a loan. you'll feel so much better.
- i can't stop thinking about all the shitty things the emperor has done.
ah. see, this one's the toughie. every time i start to heal, something happens to twist the knife. each time i start to get my feet under me he pulls out the rug, without fail. it's gotten to the point where i can predict badness just by my mood: oh, i feel okay, bet something shitty will happen within the next hour, and bam! i'm right. for example, here's the past eight days:
i start to feel alright, then i go to game and he doesn't even bother to get the door and say hello to me. he's insensitive to the point where i can barely drive home i'm so upset. i start to recover a few days later, the day before Thanksgiving, and he calls that night to tell me he's sleeping with the queen of wands, and he's sad because K is upset with him. i have a meltdown. it's the crappiest thing he could have ever done to me. i'm blown to bits. i begin to feel slightly human again, then go to game and get in a two hour discussion with him about how much of an asshole he is. i leave feeling empty, which is better than the sucking pit i felt a few days earlier, and decide i might be healing.
then the next day, today, i wake up sad again after processing all the ugliness in my sleep. i cry all the way down the mountain, but manage to cheer myself up throughout the afternoon. by the time i get home i'm genuinely happy. i got to enjoy that for about an hour. i'm halfway through my first celebratory cookie when he calls to tell me he totaled the car and can he please borrow mine. i hang up feeling like my heart is missing again. i realize it's not because he totaled my old car, which has enormous sentimental value to me, but because he was calling yet again because he needed something for me. he disguises it under other pretenses, but that's the real reason.
'K is upset with me and maybe screwing the village ho was a bad idea, boo-hoo. oh, but i didn't call for a shoulder to cry on, i called 'cause i thought you should know. not that i think it's any of your business.' or 'i need a car to drive cause i'm a shitty driver and totaled the one you gave me. i mean, gosh, i was in an accident, but i'm okay. thought you should know.' it's crap.
i was angry at him last thursday, and i managed to hold onto that all through monday. but today the anger fizzled out when i thought he might be hurt in a bad accident. he's not, and now i'm left feeling sad and used again. every time he does something like this it makes me want to call him. i get sucked back in. it's like heroin. i resist, but i jones for at least a couple days. it's just an indication of how sick our relationship was that it's the bad things that make me want to pay attention to him.
i really hate him at the moment. i hate that he does this to me. i hate that in a way i let him. i hate that i still miss him and care about him. i hate that he's fucking the one person in the world i can't handle him fucking. i hate that he seems to be happy. i hate that i give a shit. i hate feeling like this.
i'm sure i'll feel better in a few days, but i'm so tired of being sad. i thought finishing my book would lift me up, give me the confidence and joy i needed, but it didn't. if anything it did the opposite. i feel like this book is horrible. i feel like i've lost my touch, and worse, my passion. i feel so god damn empty inside. if writing a novel won't help fill and heal the hole, what the hell will? i know only time will heal this hurt, but i'm tired of waiting. i've been hurting for so long. when does it get easier? when will i wake up and be over all this grief? they say grief has five stages. i've been through them all multiple times and i'm not done yet. how many times do i have to spin around this wheel before i start feeling alive again? how much more do i have to take? how much more before i can say i'm over him and happy with me?
