ghost of christmas past

twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
except me and a mouse.


i'm trying. i'm trying so hard. too hard probably. but try as i might i can't shake the blue tint that colors everything this holiday. one year ago today the emperor told me he was leaving. how is it possible that an entire year has gone by? how can it be? *deep breath* it's a dull aching pain now. less sharp, but still persistent, a hollowness that has yet to fill. and the sensation has been worsening all day, try as i might to banish it.

shaking sprinkles onto christmas cookies. watching the snow swirl beyond the windows. staring at the lit and glowing tree. wrapping presents and tying ribbons. playing a hand of cards next to the fire. petting a dog at my feet. watching a favorite movie. all of these things should have brought me joy. and they did to a small extent, but there was also a great emptiness to it that i could not chase away.

i miss my old life. my love. my home. my optimism. my hope and my joy. i miss the feel of skin on my own. a gentle hand through my hair. a kiss on the forehead. a thumb across my cheek. and most of all i miss the trust i had in such things. and all the hugs in the world do not erase the need to feel loved in the way i now lack. i miss it all, and i'm lonely and sad in a way that i can't articulate.

i don't want them to see it. the sadness that makes me age more and more, day by day. i can see the creases next to my eyes deepening every time i confront the mirror. and there is a sorrow there, visible whenever my defenses crack even a little. i don't want them to see it, none of them. i don't want to be the cause of grief for anyone, especially not those i love. so i smile. and i laugh. and i cry alone in the dark of the night, only when i know no one else can see. even now, as i write this, i know that i will lock it from sight so as not to distress the princess of cups as she rises, smiling, christmas morning.

it's not all bad. it's not unbearable. it's getting easier. but it is still hard. really hard. and sad. even when it seems like it shouldn't be. and i know they don't really understand, by no fault of their own. how could they? i don't tell them, and they have never been where i am. how can they know? they can't. and i don't want them too. i don't want anyone dear to me to ever really understand what it's like, for to understand it is to live it. and i wish that on no one.

it's the reason that the end of Return of the King makes me depressed beyond words, while everyone else shrugs or smiles. it makes me cry every time (although i try to wait until i'm alone). when the four friends sit in the tavern, surrounded by merriment, and solemnly sip their ale. when Frodo says that the Shire is saved, but not for him. when he sits in his home, alone, holding his shoulder with his fingerless hand. "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep." it makes me weep. and i don't want to shed anymore tears. especially not this fine holiday morning.

so then what do i do to chase away the unhappiness and feel the spark of joy within my heart? how do i quicken myself and smile from the soul instead of from a strained corner of my consciousness? how do i quiet the ever babbling tirade of my uneasy mind? how do i turn off the pain and live in the moment, this moment, fully enough to not be haunted by the ghosts of christmas past and future? how do i learn to love life again? how do i save my Shire?