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what i didn't get
Dec. 26th, 2006 03:41 ami'm trying to focus on what i have, rather than what i don't. but it's hard. especially when i feel so consumed by loss. i feel like a brat. a spoiled ungrateful child. but i can't help feeling disappointed. when my parents said the snow tires they got me for my car last november were my christmas present i thought they were joking. i mean, the only reason i had to get the damn tires in the first place is because they live in BFE. and they were the ones that insisted i get them. i would have made due. so surely they were kidding, right? wrong.
i bought them car stereos, video games, and board games. i spent more than usual, and far more than i had. and in return i got a puzzle, a cheap throw blanket i suspect they got somewhere for free, and a DVD i was going to buy myself anyway. i didn't get any gift cards like i always do. and i certainly didn't get the digital camera i was hoping for. i can't recall ever having such a barren holiday. it only worsened my feelings of loss, and i'll admit it made me feel a little bitter. i don't regret spending the money on them, but it does make me a little grumpy to know that i spent my camera money on them and got a $5 blanket in return.
and then there is the matter of the prince of wands. i wrote him a month ago and he never wrote back. i wrote him again for the holiday, and still no response. i've been checking my email and LJ at least twice a day - nothing. until just now. he posted in his LJ. he's having a fantastic christmas in australia. and i hate him for it. i hate him for not writing me back, for not caring enough to even return my holiday well wishes. i hate that he is happy while i am not. most of all i hate that he doesn't miss me. i saw the effort and glee he put into his post and decided i wasn't writing him again, not even a comment, unless he writes me back first. childish or wise? probably some of both.
and the emperor didn't call me either. our first holiday apart, and he doesn't appear to miss me either. and it fills me with heartbreak and rage.
then the weather report came on. more snow. i've been up here for weeks, so lonely, and with the plow broken and more snow on the way it looks like it will be a couple more. i wanted to have a good new years, but now it looks like i'll spend it alone. and the thought of that makes me sadder than i can express. i need this new years to be good. i need it like i've needed so many other things i haven't gotten, and this looks to be no exception. and i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling so utterly disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. i'm holding my head, crying, and the words "it's not fair" just floated through my mind. yeah, i know, since when is life fair. it's such a stupid thing to think. but i can't help but feel it anyway.
i'm so full of tears and bile. i'm angry at everyone who is happy, including my loved ones, and that makes me disgusted with myself. i just hate that it's christmas night and i'm sitting alone in a cold room weeping. i hate that i can't stop. i hate that it's these things that i can't stop thinking about when there are so many other happier things. like sledding, and games of dragonology, and a nice steak dinner. like the utter delight my father had when he opened his gift, or the group hug in front of the tree. why are these things overshadowed by what i didn't get? i suppose i needed to feel pampered, missed, loved. and i'm not. i'm on my own, and it's never felt clearer. i'm an adult, all alone in the world. and that's the one thing i've never wanted to be.
i bought them car stereos, video games, and board games. i spent more than usual, and far more than i had. and in return i got a puzzle, a cheap throw blanket i suspect they got somewhere for free, and a DVD i was going to buy myself anyway. i didn't get any gift cards like i always do. and i certainly didn't get the digital camera i was hoping for. i can't recall ever having such a barren holiday. it only worsened my feelings of loss, and i'll admit it made me feel a little bitter. i don't regret spending the money on them, but it does make me a little grumpy to know that i spent my camera money on them and got a $5 blanket in return.
and then there is the matter of the prince of wands. i wrote him a month ago and he never wrote back. i wrote him again for the holiday, and still no response. i've been checking my email and LJ at least twice a day - nothing. until just now. he posted in his LJ. he's having a fantastic christmas in australia. and i hate him for it. i hate him for not writing me back, for not caring enough to even return my holiday well wishes. i hate that he is happy while i am not. most of all i hate that he doesn't miss me. i saw the effort and glee he put into his post and decided i wasn't writing him again, not even a comment, unless he writes me back first. childish or wise? probably some of both.
and the emperor didn't call me either. our first holiday apart, and he doesn't appear to miss me either. and it fills me with heartbreak and rage.
then the weather report came on. more snow. i've been up here for weeks, so lonely, and with the plow broken and more snow on the way it looks like it will be a couple more. i wanted to have a good new years, but now it looks like i'll spend it alone. and the thought of that makes me sadder than i can express. i need this new years to be good. i need it like i've needed so many other things i haven't gotten, and this looks to be no exception. and i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling so utterly disappointed, lonely, frustrated, and depressed. i'm holding my head, crying, and the words "it's not fair" just floated through my mind. yeah, i know, since when is life fair. it's such a stupid thing to think. but i can't help but feel it anyway.
i'm so full of tears and bile. i'm angry at everyone who is happy, including my loved ones, and that makes me disgusted with myself. i just hate that it's christmas night and i'm sitting alone in a cold room weeping. i hate that i can't stop. i hate that it's these things that i can't stop thinking about when there are so many other happier things. like sledding, and games of dragonology, and a nice steak dinner. like the utter delight my father had when he opened his gift, or the group hug in front of the tree. why are these things overshadowed by what i didn't get? i suppose i needed to feel pampered, missed, loved. and i'm not. i'm on my own, and it's never felt clearer. i'm an adult, all alone in the world. and that's the one thing i've never wanted to be.
