homebody

something tells me i'm not getting up in the morning and hitting the highway. after discovering the theft of my vacation, by the princess of cups, i felt lower than low. then, to rub salt in the wound, the emperor told me he wouldn't be around on monday (which i had been planning my own trip around) because he's flying to Hawaii to visit the prince of wands. he told me that and i hated him threefold. i hated that he was ditching out on me on monday. i hated that he was blowing a grand on plane tickets after telling me he's too broke to make good on the money he owes me. and most of all, i hated that he was going to see the one person in this world i would visit if i could.

i've spent my day feeling depressed, anxious, and angry. needless to say it hasn't been fun. now i'm left feeling like i got hit by a bus. i'm tired, drained, and have a blinding headache. i wish i knew what i wanted. i feel so conflicted. i want to be the sort of person who isn't bothered by this sort of thing, that drives off into the desert on a whim and needs no one and nothing. but i'm not. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to step outside of my comfort zone. i'm afraid. and that makes me worry that i am, in fact, a terribly dull person at my core. i can no longer tell if i actually want to go on vacation, or if i just want to be the sort of person that wants to do such things. i feel like i don't know myself at all, and that distresses me.

what i really want is to crawl in a hole and do nothing for a week. which is precisely what i always do. i have so few experiences. i always seem to opt out. i don't want to get to the end of my days and realize my life has been forgettable. i don't want to lead a boring life - i want to lead an exceptional one. yet i think i need to acknowledge i'm not the carefree seat-of-the-pants type. maybe one day i will be. i'm not sure if that day will come or not. but today i'm feeling fragile. and this fragile homebody wants to stay where it's warm and safe. even if it means being dull. and even if it means having to face the fact that i'm not the person i wish i was.

the words i need to hear

moonlight sonata on repeat. the wind adding its own voice to the performance. candles in the windows. and no one is home. i'm waiting for the headlights to paint stripes across the walls. i'm waiting to be told it's alright.

hush now. everything is alright. you may drive into the dried heart of the land, or you may not. as it pleases you. it is your choice, and yours alone. and no matter what you choose that is alright. do what makes you happy. it's all about choosing the path that makes you happiest. if that means going, then go. and if that means staying, then stay. either way is fine.

this choice does not dictate you or your future. going on a grand adventure does not make you adventurous. conversely, staying home does not make you dull. you are you, and one decision will not strip that away. turn off your mind for a time. stop thinking, and worrying, and theorizing, and analyzing, and remembering, and projecting into the vast unknown of the future. follow your heart without regret, and you will be happy.

and although you may feel it, you are not as alone as you believe. reach out your hand and you will find a dozen warm embraces. even though they may not be the ones you seek, know that they are all the warmer for they are given freely and with great love. you are safe, and loved, and free. and no matter how torn you are, i assure you, that it's alright. and you're alright. and even though you may not believe it, everything is going to be alright.

relapse

i was doing so much better this morning. but ever since it got dark, and everyone went to bed, i've felt that tightness in my chest caused by grief. i think i'm going through another bout of depression. i'm feeling lost and abandon again. i hate that it keeps coming back, again and again. i want to be done with feeling like this. i want to be happy and stay that way. i want to stop missing my old life.

*pauses to listen to music*
wow. these lyrics are rather appropriate:

no more trust, I was betrayed
by a friend I thought I knew
I have lost so much more
don’t know what to do
and that single thought evoked
a pained look behind closed eyes
and I’ll always wonder why
my best friend would tell me lies
- A Dream, Funker Vogt