stream of conscience

i've been plagued with anxiety all day. i need to be working on my take home finals, but i'm paralyzed by my emotions. i'm feeling the sting of loss anew. the emperor has been pulling things, and i was angry, but now i'm back to missing him again. every time i think about how he can't be a part of my life anymore i get feverish. a rush of heat runs through me and i start to sweat. and i feel ill. right now, writing this, i'm in a cold sweat, my skin cool to the touch in some places but blistering in others. i need to regain my equilibrium. he canceled game for tomorrow. before that i was apprehensive about going, but i think i was looking forward to it. i should be relieved, but i'm not. i'm really not. i think i was looking forward to seeing him. which is screwed up. i feel like i need to be exorcised. i don't know how to push it all out of my head and system. i want to be present in the moment, but i can't seem to manage it. god, i'm burning up... maybe i should go stand outside for a minute. cool off and breathe fresh air. or at least open a window. i just stuck my head out the window, but it didn't help. i feel like i'm about to have a panic attack. i can't do this. i can't. i'm scared. and alone. i wanna go home. i don't want to be alone. i'm so scared. i'm just so scared. i dont' think i can do this alone. i want to be safe. and protected. i want to feel loved and secure. i wanna go home. oh god i wanna go home. *sobs* why is this all coming to the surface now? what is it? why am i falling apart right when i need to be strong? i don't have time for this. i have papers to write and logic to study. why am i so broken now of all times? he has no power over me, except that which i give him. yet i'm frightened. i'm afraid of him, but i'm also afraid of being without him. my heart aches. everything aches. yet, i can feel it subsiding. is it my writing this or the ignatia i just took, still sweet on my tongue? whatever the cause i'm thankful. it's not gone, but it's diminished a little. these emotions and thoughts, they don't feel like they're mine. that or everything else is the facade. i think that's what scares me most. what if i am nothing but the broken frightened part, and the rest is just a front that i manage to keep in place when i'm entrenched in denial? what if i'm lying to myself and i really am weak and trapped? no. no i'm not. i'm not. these feelings of panic, they're physical as much as anything else. i've been under a lot of stress, and my body is reacting. the stress brings the fear. it's from years of training. but there is nothing to be afraid of. i'm safe right now. i'm in a nice warm room, with a blanket, and a dog and family if i needed them. the ground is dry, and i could get in my car and go for a drive if i needed or wanted to. i'm not trapped. and i have lots of time to finish my projects. i finished my portfolio. that just leaves two more papers, three if i want that extra credit. four if i pull out all the stops. but i don't have to. i can sit down and hammer out something before getting a good night's rest. i will do well on my final in the morning. i know this stuff. and then i'll be out for the summer. which scares me a little. but it shouldn't. that fear of finding a job, and filing for divorce, and taxes, and moving. those things are things i can do. and i can do them on my timeline. mine. if i need some time to breathe and find my feet that's okay. and these are things i want to do. no really. i want to be free. i want to have money, and my things. i want this to be over, and no longer have it looming. and i can do it. i can do all of it. but right now i just need to focus on relaxing. breathe in. breathe out. just relax. and then write a paper or get some rest. your call. do what feels right. you'll feel better if you get something off your plate. but then again, maybe reading a bit and falling asleep may be just what the doctor ordered. whatever i decide it's alright. i'm taking care of me right now. and i can. i can take care of myself. i can. i know what i need, i'm just a little rusty at listening to myself. so what is it? what do you need right now T? rest? alright then. ask and ye shall receive. because you're safe here. and everything is alright. and everything will be alright. you're home.