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that was then, this is now
May. 26th, 2007 03:13 ami don't really have anything to say, i just feel like i want to write. i can't seem to stop my brain long enough to sleep. and i'm sad and anxious even though all has been quiet the past two days. i live in constant apprehension that the phone will ring, or an email will be sent, and the abuse will begin anew. it makes me tired all the time. it's exhausting living in fear. and yet, i miss him. i keep remembering all the good times, the tender acts, kind words, and laughs shared. when things where good they were extraordinary. i miss those times, even though i know that they came tied with times equally bad. my memory is selective. it's painful.
i was just sitting by the fire in the dark with pop. he's home from work and we sat and talked briefly after he pulled off his cowboy boots. i mentioned that my brain is locked in a state of worry about the future and obsession with the past. he agreed that brains were silly like that, and that if we could only be in the moment our spirits wouldn't be so damn tired. he didn't word it quite like that, but that's the gist. it's true. it's something i've know for years, and revisit with intense epiphany quite often. but i can never seem to master it or get it to stick. i only seem to be able to be in the present for the barest of moments, and those moments are few and far between. it's times like these that i contemplate Buddhism with great intensity.
in an effort to focus on the good things i have right now, here is a list of today's blessings:
Miami Vice, specifically the super awesome evil Crockett episodes
a low orange half moon
the view out my window
my dog
hugging my pop when he came in the door
spending time with my mom on the deck
wild flowers and hummingbirds
a nice warm bed
pasta
watching What Not to Wear, my greatest guilty pleasure
the prince of sword's voice, smiling at me through the phone
weighing in at 139, even with PMS
i'm not on fire, nor is anyone or anything i care about
no negative contact with the emperor, or anyone else for that matter
starting FFX2, which may or may not make up for how depressed FFX made me
whistling
references to MIR falling out of the sky
i could, if i wanted, go see POTC3 tomorrow 'cause it's out and i have nada to do
having the free time to stay up and type lists like this
the fact i'm smiling now that i'm at the bottom of this entry
i was just sitting by the fire in the dark with pop. he's home from work and we sat and talked briefly after he pulled off his cowboy boots. i mentioned that my brain is locked in a state of worry about the future and obsession with the past. he agreed that brains were silly like that, and that if we could only be in the moment our spirits wouldn't be so damn tired. he didn't word it quite like that, but that's the gist. it's true. it's something i've know for years, and revisit with intense epiphany quite often. but i can never seem to master it or get it to stick. i only seem to be able to be in the present for the barest of moments, and those moments are few and far between. it's times like these that i contemplate Buddhism with great intensity.
in an effort to focus on the good things i have right now, here is a list of today's blessings:
Miami Vice, specifically the super awesome evil Crockett episodes
a low orange half moon
the view out my window
my dog
hugging my pop when he came in the door
spending time with my mom on the deck
wild flowers and hummingbirds
a nice warm bed
pasta
watching What Not to Wear, my greatest guilty pleasure
the prince of sword's voice, smiling at me through the phone
weighing in at 139, even with PMS
i'm not on fire, nor is anyone or anything i care about
no negative contact with the emperor, or anyone else for that matter
starting FFX2, which may or may not make up for how depressed FFX made me
whistling
references to MIR falling out of the sky
i could, if i wanted, go see POTC3 tomorrow 'cause it's out and i have nada to do
having the free time to stay up and type lists like this
the fact i'm smiling now that i'm at the bottom of this entry
