sometimes, in october

feel the seasons change
unwavering like waves
october haunts me
we'd been allies all my life

cold autumn days
turn my mind back to a time
when i was alive

not unexpected
let alone stand lighting candles
and slowly drifting back
sometimes

sometimes
sometimes we're living so close to the answer
sometimes we're wasting our chance to the center, inside us
sometimes...in october
sometimes
sometimes
~ october song, seabound

that song has been haunting me lately. i've been listening to it non-stop. it's as though it were written for me, right now, especially since i've been dealing with the split. i left in october last year...but i'm only now starting to cut myself free.

the emperor has been abusing me via email (i'm not answering my phone anymore), and generally making my life miserable this week. right now he's trying to weasel out of our third agreement regarding division of property. i'm giving him the house, the money, the furniture...damn near everything. all i'm getting is my car and a payment i can't afford. yet he says i'm being unfair. i'm close to the breaking point. i don't know what to do. i just want to be done with this so badly, but he keeps breaking his word and turning everything into a battle. i really can't afford to take this to court, either emotionally or financially, and he knows it. i've moved an hour away and he's still finding ways to abuse, hurt, and manipulate me. and while it distresses me, makes me anxious, and depressed, it's starting to really piss me off too. which i'm hoping is a good sign.

he keeps telling me how selfish, greedy, mean, unethical, immoral, and untrustworthy i am - which is hilarious because that's him not me. he'll lie, and then his next sentence will be about how dishonest i am. i've never met someone with such projection issues. not to mention the fact he blames me for everything, no matter how far removed from something i am. (he blamed his car accident on me, citing it was because i had a nicer car. o_O) how the hell did i live with that for a decade?

to be fair he wasn't always this bad. but for the last several years, since his father died, he's been growing steadily more insane. he's always been a bit unstable, but at this point he's lost it altogether - between the projection, his utter lack of a grip on reality, and his depression, he's become downright psychotic. and the punchline is i have to negotiate a divorce with him.

financially and emotionally i'm worse off now than when i was a teenager just starting out. and you know what? it's not fair. i know life seldom is, but this isn't just life. life didn't hand me a raw deal, my husband did. the person i loved, trusted, and cared about the most, is screwing me. it's heart breaking to find that the person i always considered my biggest ally is, in fact, my worst enemy. i just don't understand. and i never will. the best i can do is acknowledge that he's mentally ill. i miss the person he used to be, but that man is gone, probably forever.

i can't keep playing by his rules, because his rules are based on a separate twisted reality. i can't explain myself to a delusional person. i can't fix our friendship, because he doesn't want me to. despite all his words to the contrary, his actions are quite clear: he doesn't want a friendship, he wants someone to abuse. as soon as i started standing up for myself he started being cruel beyond measure. he makes threats (usually veiled so that i worry what they might be), he plays on my emotions, and he makes appeals to my good nature. he uses my positive qualities against me, which is just sick. and i need to stop falling for it. i need to remember not to play his game because it's impossible to win. no matter how hard i try, or how reasonable my arguments are, it's all irrelevant because he's not operating in the same reality i am.

i'm seeing him on Monday. we're meeting at the courthouse to fill out paperwork, and then filing our taxes. i expect it to go poorly. i expect him to pull out all the stops and beat the hell out of me emotionally. i want to protect myself but i'm not sure how. i need chainmail. i need a shield system. i need full out battle armor with a force shield that repels everything within twenty feet. but i'll have to settle for a power tie. i don't pray. never have. but if there's some sort of cosmic force out there listening, i ask this: watch my back. i could really use a whole host of angels right about now.