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i've got the poison. i've got the remedy.
Sep. 25th, 2007 11:18 pmdear emperor -
i'm sick of being afraid of you. i'm tired of looking over my shoulder. walking with my hand in my pocket so i can reach my mace. having to defend the same issue in court multiple times because you decided to twist something, or because you stalked my journal and emailed excerpts to the magistrate. i'm tired of spending thousands of dollars. missing exams for court dates. opening countless letters full of bile and legal jargon. hearing crazy bs rumors about me through the grapevine. hiding on campus for fear of seeing you. abandoning favorite restaurants and stores for the same reason. losing sleep. seeing a shrink for anxiety and self-esteem problems. wincing at things i shouldn't wince at. having emotional outbursts of rage or grief at the wrong times. watching my grades fall because i'm distracted. watching my bank account dwindle because you're spiteful. handing checks with hateful messages to bank tellers. wishing away chunks of my life. living in a constant state of worry and dread. and all around feeling fearful, unhappy, and abused.
all that stuff, i could do without. some of it i have control over. some of it i don't. but all of it has to do with you and how you make me feel. it's hard not to hate you. knowing you've lost your mind helps. get help. go commit yourself for a minimum of three months. then move away. or move away and then commit yourself. the order isn't important. what's important is that i want you far far away, and i want you to get help for your mental illness. in the meantime i'm going to do my best to stop being afraid of you. i may not be able to stop you from ruining my life, or even taking it, but i'll be damned if i let you run it. not now. not ever again.
- me
i'm sick of being afraid of you. i'm tired of looking over my shoulder. walking with my hand in my pocket so i can reach my mace. having to defend the same issue in court multiple times because you decided to twist something, or because you stalked my journal and emailed excerpts to the magistrate. i'm tired of spending thousands of dollars. missing exams for court dates. opening countless letters full of bile and legal jargon. hearing crazy bs rumors about me through the grapevine. hiding on campus for fear of seeing you. abandoning favorite restaurants and stores for the same reason. losing sleep. seeing a shrink for anxiety and self-esteem problems. wincing at things i shouldn't wince at. having emotional outbursts of rage or grief at the wrong times. watching my grades fall because i'm distracted. watching my bank account dwindle because you're spiteful. handing checks with hateful messages to bank tellers. wishing away chunks of my life. living in a constant state of worry and dread. and all around feeling fearful, unhappy, and abused.
all that stuff, i could do without. some of it i have control over. some of it i don't. but all of it has to do with you and how you make me feel. it's hard not to hate you. knowing you've lost your mind helps. get help. go commit yourself for a minimum of three months. then move away. or move away and then commit yourself. the order isn't important. what's important is that i want you far far away, and i want you to get help for your mental illness. in the meantime i'm going to do my best to stop being afraid of you. i may not be able to stop you from ruining my life, or even taking it, but i'll be damned if i let you run it. not now. not ever again.
- me
