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get thee behind me
Oct. 7th, 2007 08:50 pmi'm paralyzed by fear. every time i have an encounter with the emperor it throws me off balance, and this time i'm having trouble picking myself back up. i'm terrified and frozen. the shifting weather isn't helping. the grey clouds and cold remind me of last fall, last winter. every time i start thinking the beginnings of panic grab hold. and i don't have time to entertain this fear right now.
i have two really important papers due tomorrow and only a few hours to write them. i've been trying for days to get them done, but every time i sit down to start i can't focus, my pulse shoots through the roof, and i break into a cold sweat. i can't seem to write. i'm terrified. i spend my time trying to think up ways to avoid doing the work instead of doing it. i've put it all off too long already, yet part of me keeps insisting that I put it off until morning. which is ridiculous.
i need to do this. i need to accept that i need to do this, and more importantly that i can. i'm not certain why all of this has traumatized me academically on top of everything else, but it has. and there's no reason for it. i need to regain my confidence. i can do this. i can. it's not even that hard. i just have to make the decision, right now, to do it. he can't hurt me right now. i'm safe. i'm okay. i'm safe. it's all going to be alright. i'm alright. and now i'm rocking back and forth trying not to cry.
i feel like i'm trying to exorcise a demon. i need to get him out of me. get out! stop making me toxic and filling my head with doubt and fear! i can do this. i know i can. and i will. and i'll do a good job too. because i'm not stupid, or lazy, or any of he other things he says i am. he can't ruin me. he can't take this away from me unless i let him. am i going to give him this too? am i really going to lie down and give him school too? no. no damnit. he can't keep running me like this. this is my life, mine. and come hell or high water i will write these papers. and i will print them out and fall asleep feeling worlds better for having done it. because i'm not giving up. not now. not ever. even though it sounds tempting. simpler. it would be so easy to just let go, to give in. so much easier than fighting. just curl up and let my life be done. but i won't let you win. i gave you a decade i'll be damned if i give you more. bite me you fuck.
you can't make me feel this fear, only i can. and i refuse to give you what you want. i refuse to think about you all the time. i'm tired of every stray thought running in your direction. i have shit to do. shit like writing these papers and living my life. this isn't the end. this is the beginning. and you have no power over me. you hear me? you have no power over me. this is my life, not yours. and i'm going to write a couple brilliant papers, go to sleep, and dream of a world where i am free of you. a world where you aren't stalking me, hurting me, obsessed with ruining me. a world where you are far far away and where i never even have to hear your name again.
i have two really important papers due tomorrow and only a few hours to write them. i've been trying for days to get them done, but every time i sit down to start i can't focus, my pulse shoots through the roof, and i break into a cold sweat. i can't seem to write. i'm terrified. i spend my time trying to think up ways to avoid doing the work instead of doing it. i've put it all off too long already, yet part of me keeps insisting that I put it off until morning. which is ridiculous.
i need to do this. i need to accept that i need to do this, and more importantly that i can. i'm not certain why all of this has traumatized me academically on top of everything else, but it has. and there's no reason for it. i need to regain my confidence. i can do this. i can. it's not even that hard. i just have to make the decision, right now, to do it. he can't hurt me right now. i'm safe. i'm okay. i'm safe. it's all going to be alright. i'm alright. and now i'm rocking back and forth trying not to cry.
i feel like i'm trying to exorcise a demon. i need to get him out of me. get out! stop making me toxic and filling my head with doubt and fear! i can do this. i know i can. and i will. and i'll do a good job too. because i'm not stupid, or lazy, or any of he other things he says i am. he can't ruin me. he can't take this away from me unless i let him. am i going to give him this too? am i really going to lie down and give him school too? no. no damnit. he can't keep running me like this. this is my life, mine. and come hell or high water i will write these papers. and i will print them out and fall asleep feeling worlds better for having done it. because i'm not giving up. not now. not ever. even though it sounds tempting. simpler. it would be so easy to just let go, to give in. so much easier than fighting. just curl up and let my life be done. but i won't let you win. i gave you a decade i'll be damned if i give you more. bite me you fuck.
you can't make me feel this fear, only i can. and i refuse to give you what you want. i refuse to think about you all the time. i'm tired of every stray thought running in your direction. i have shit to do. shit like writing these papers and living my life. this isn't the end. this is the beginning. and you have no power over me. you hear me? you have no power over me. this is my life, not yours. and i'm going to write a couple brilliant papers, go to sleep, and dream of a world where i am free of you. a world where you aren't stalking me, hurting me, obsessed with ruining me. a world where you are far far away and where i never even have to hear your name again.
