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[personal profile] notesinblue
internet’s down and i feel somewhat isolated and crippled as a result. there were so many things I planned to do tonight, but most of them involved the web. write a holiday greeting in my public journal, update my photo blog with pictures from graduation, finish my year end lists, maybe search for the last couple holiday hatchlings on Facebook. stuff like that. instead I’ve spent the past hour futzing around my room cleaning things up somewhat.

i’m so rarely here anymore. i rarely spend the night in my own bed and it feels strange. it also means odds and ends pile up when all I ever do is stop by and get fresh clothes. i sort of miss my space, but i’m lonely. if i could teleport my guy here it would be perfect. wouldn’t it?

i’ve been forgetting to take time for myself and it has been wearing at me. i need to remember to be my own friend sometimes. i’ve been neglecting my relationship with myself. that may be contributing to my melancholy. and then there is the loss of Jasper. i miss him so much. it feels wrong that he isn’t here by my side. it heightens my loneliness. and graduation, the pressure of starting out on a new adventure, weighs on me heavily.

perhaps i am as melancholy as the hanged man says. i don’t want to be. not at all. and it makes me sad that he sees me that way (proof he’s right). i need to change it, both for myself and for our relationship. he worries about me and thinks i’m unhappy. that’s no way to live. i should know. so i need to meditate on what i need to do for myself.

right now i’m just hoping i get my period for Christmas. it’s late (stress does that) and it’s making me nervous (which probably isn’t helping). we’ve been careful, no accidents to speak of, but it scares me and makes me think. what if? i don’t want to be a mother, at least not right now. i’m just starting to remember how to be myself and how to be someone’s love. i have big important steps ahead of me in the coming months: finding work, moving out again. i can’t have anything complicating it right now. so dear holiday spirits, please bring me my period and a happy mood. i’m tired of feeling anxious when i should be happy. i have so many things to smile about.


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January 2013


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