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something is not right. this is not right. and futhermore, i am not alright.

he told me over and over again that every thing was okay. but it wasn't.
then he told me he was going to prove to me that this, us and him moving away, was going to be okay. he wrapped his pinkie in mine and swore it. but he hasn't.

i know. i know. it's only tuesday. but i've felt sick and wrong ever since friday night when we had our rift. since then he has been absent when i need him most. then he played a head game with me by "testing" me and not calling me. wanted to know if i was serious in my resolve and being truthful when i said i'd be okay if he didn't. well, what about his pledge to show me that he's still on board, all the way?

i've lost my faith and trust. when i think about him or us i feel like i'm going to throw up. i want to see him, hear from him, but the mere thought is giving me nervous bowels right now. and that can't be right.

others have told me that he's just being young. that i need to give him time and space. and they are probably right. but meanwhile i feel like i'm sitting and waiting for him to pull himself together while i suffer, tiptoe, and pray for a scrap of attention or assurance. this doesn't feel right. it feels very very wrong. and i don't know what to do. it's already been said that the thing to do is just focus on me and give him space, but it feels all wrong.

he broke things, he really did, and he broke me. and i want him to fucking fix it. i want him to uphold his end. i'm all alone up here giving him space. i sit by the phone waiting for him to call and i feel like a dog. and i don't feel like my needs are being tended to. but what are my needs?

i don't need any more words. i don't trust them anymore. i need actions. i need him to show me. and that's something he has to do on his own. i can't tell him how or it's meaningless. but i suppose i can tell him i feel like a damn neglected and pathetic dog begging at his table. but i don't see how that will help.

i feel like we broke up.
i feel like we broke up and we are both just pretending otherwise.
and it hurts so much. i feel sick. literally sick. and drained beyond belief. i've been living in a state of shock and dread for five days now. and i feel like i'm at my wit's end. and my god am i lonely.

i don't want this. i don't want to feel this way. part of me wants to cut and run just so i can have a solid reason to be in pain. so that i can be sure where i stand. it all feels like it's in his court. i feel powerless. i'll hear from him when he wants to hear from me. i'll see him when he wants to see me. we'll be together so long as he wishes it. i feel like i've been cut out of the equation. just waiting.

oh god i don't know what will be worse: if he calls in 40 minutes or if he doesn't. i don't know what to say. do i tell him all of this? i'm tired of arguing and crying. i'm tired of trying to hash things like this out on the phone when i need to be held. this isn't working for me. he wants me to be strong, but i gave him all the power in the relationship. i just gave it away. and now i'm just sitting here waiting to be told it's okay, and i won't believe it anyway.

i want my relationship back. i want the trust. i want to be held. i want to feel loved and wanted. i want us back. and what upsets me the most is that it may be impossible at this point. i've screwed things up, and so has he. and i don't know if this can be repaired.


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January 2013


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